Attend funeral for ex-spouse? (college, wife, girlfriend, father)
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I'm not in this situation now, but it's something I likely face at some point in the future. I've been divorced for 10 years, not at all on friendly terms with my ex, our three sons are all grown. If my ex dies before me, I don't know if I should attend or stay away from his funeral. I would want to be there to support my sons, but considering my ex did not want me to attend the memorial services for either of his parents when they passed, I think he would not want me there. Most likely I will try to be supportive of my sons in other ways. But I can just imagine some of his family saying, "Can you believe it? Kayanne didn't even bother to be here for her sons."
Anyway, I just was wondering what others have done (or plan to do).
Really? Anything can happen between now and then; ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING! Don't give it a second thought, it is a complete waste of your brain cells and time so direct your energies elsewhere. Work harder at developing and maintaining sincere respect and friendlier terms with you ex. Concentrate on bettering yourself and the lives of your 3 sons.
Been there, done that and many years prior I had never given it a thought. Never, ever thought about it!
When the time came I pulled my kids out of school, flew over 5,000 miles, stayed 4 months to accommodate palliative care, bathing, hanging out, conversation, going out to see friends and once a week (80 miles/3 hours one way) to receive medical care, stay for a week or so, return 'home' for a week or so...and start all over again.
Picked out his casket and with my children by my side I received friends and family at the church where the services took place. Buried my beloved and eventually returned to America where we picked up the pieces and resumed our lives, it wasn't always comfortable and it certainly wasn't easy.
Don't waste your time Kayanne it will never transpire the way you think it will, never!
“If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.” Woody Allen
It is 100% acceptable and often expected that the surviving former spouse will attend the funeral of the deceased former spouse. My grandfather attended my grandmother's funeral. He was the father of their two daughters, and they were married for more than 20 years. They were both also mentioned in each other's obituaries, despite the fact that my grandfather had remarried, and was survived by his second wife.
Don't overthink it just follow your intuition. I didn't go to my ex's funeral, and I loved him very much. My daughter and I did not go. We have very good memories of him, and him and I talked everyday for seven years. We saw each other about three times a month. We were closer as friends than we were as a couple.. Go figure.
His funeral was for his side of the family. My daughter and I cleaned out his apartment when he died. We communed with him, and we had closure.
I'm not in this situation now, but it's something I likely face at some point in the future. I've been divorced for 10 years, not at all on friendly terms with my ex, our three sons are all grown. If my ex dies before me, I don't know if I should attend or stay away from his funeral. I would want to be there to support my sons, but considering my ex did not want me to attend the memorial services for either of his parents when they passed, I think he would not want me there. Most likely I will try to be supportive of my sons in other ways. But I can just imagine some of his family saying, "Can you believe it? Kayanne didn't even bother to be here for her sons."
Anyway, I just was wondering what others have done (or plan to do).
Wouldn't the best move be to ask whether or not you should come from the person who is in charge of this?
I think it would very much depend on if he was married at the time of his death (wife could die first, or they could separate). At that point, it would be up to your children if they wanted you to be there.
Things change. Who knows, perhaps you and he will be friendlier down the road. And if you find yourselves as grandparents later on, it may be that running into him at grandchildren events will mellow everyone concerned.
It is 100% acceptable and often expected that the surviving former spouse will attend the funeral of the deceased former spouse. My grandfather attended my grandmother's funeral. He was the father of their two daughters, and they were married for more than 20 years. They were both also mentioned in each other's obituaries, despite the fact that my grandfather had remarried, and was survived by his second wife.
My father did not attend my mother's funeral. He was also not mentioned in the obituary. They had a very acrimonious relationship and never had any real contact with each other after the divorce. Each of them built a new life after the divorce and that was that.
I can tell you this much - if my husband's ex wife shows up at his funeral, she better not try to sit with the family, and I would suggest she lay low and stay out of my line of vision as much as possible. I can understand that she might say "I'm there for my son," but he's a grown man and doesn't really "need" her there, and he is literally the ONLY thing that she ever played a part in that brought my husband any joy. Her presence there would only bring me, the wife, additional stress on an already difficult day. I can understand "paying respects" but that could be accomplished by going to a visitation and signing a guest book, maybe giving a donation to a charitable cause (not holding my breath on that one) in his name.
Of course, when their son was younger (he's in his mid twenties now and he and I have a good relationship that we've built over the 12 years I've been married to his dad), I could have seen her feeling it necessary to be there with her young son, but now - not so much, and if that day ever comes I am going to tell their son that I'd prefer her not attend the funeral. I believe that the son is enough "his own person" now to be able to attend the funeral without having his mommy along. She and my husband have not had a good relationship since their divorce, and she has tried repeatedly to defraud him, she's talked smack about him for decades, tried to undermine his relationship with his immediate family, and she has undermined his relationship with his son since the day the child was born.
So she's not welcome to show up at his funeral and act like a grieving widow, which is what she'd do. I promise you, she'd march right up to the front of the church and try to sit next to her son with the family. I won't have it. And I assure you, I will have the presence of mind on that day to tell her directly (if he doesn't listen to her son) that she needs to get out of that pew and sit elsewhere.
For the record, I played no part in their divorce - I met my husband at least five years after they were divorced. And unlike their acrimonious marriage and subsequent divorce, he and I have had a happy marriage and built a great life together so far.
OP, I doubt you are like that. I'm just saying that in my book it's those types of ex spouses who shouldn't bother showing up but who aren't even contemplating the question you are, because they don't care whether or not something is appropriate.
My advice to you is that if your ex husband is remarried and your sons are adults, ask someone like a sibling, or aunt or someone like that where you should sit if your sons want you to go. If your sons don't need you there, my advice if he's remarried is to skip the funeral and just go pop in at the visitation for a bit.
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Funeral of ex ❤
