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OP I can totally relate to everything you wrote. I put a lot of energy into maintaining my friendships, only to have these people I call my "friends" flake out on me frequently, and yet I still kept giving them second chances, making excuses for them time and time again.
It all came to a head when I was moving 1,000+ miles away. My best friend threw me a going away party. I invited my good friends to the party, even rearranging the party start time to accommodate my one friend being able to come, she had a family birthday party to attend so I pushed pack my going away party so she could do both.
Well the day of the going away party I started getting calls and texts that my friends were sick and couldn't make it. Finally the friend that I had rearranged the party time for texted and said she wasn't coming either, that she was still at the birthday party and she couldn't get away. The friend who hosted my birthday party is my only friend I had there. And yes I realize people get sick, however none of these sick people called or texted and offered to see me a different day before I left, they just didn't come to the party, and then let me leave without saying goodbye.
I'll tell you what when I left town for good I was fuming at these people that I thought were my friends. It turns out that once I left and stopped initiating there were zero girls nights out, or coffee breaks at Starbucks etc. Without me there to plan everything it all just stopped happening. Once I stopped initiating the conversations, they stopped also, except for a Merry Christmas by text this year.
I'm done. I decided that 2018 is the year that I am finished busting my hump to go the extra mile for people who just don't give a rip about me. Yeah maybe I won't have any many friends, but at least the couple I do still have are genuine. I'm done putting in all the effort and getting little to nothing in return. My advice is to do the same. Get rid of the dead weight and focus on the real friends that you have left.
I agree with Crazy4Chickens. Moving is an eye opener to who your real friends are. I have moved several times in my adult life and only a few people have kept in touch, surprisingly, not the people I thought were my closest friends.
I will say when I go back to visit, there are friends that I can drop in on to see and it is like no time has passed. They are terrible about keeping in touch, but fabulous when I see them.
Yup, OP, it happened to me almost every time I attempted to befriend someone or maintain "friendships" or carry on conversations. Notice I use past tense, because I'm done.
I'm happy for you that you are seeing that doing so is not healthy or satisfying. For too many years I was willing to do this.
I actually saw it as my mission---trying to befriend people who didn't have anyone else and who seemed to need a friend or at least another friend.
Instead of resenting their lack of reciprocation, I focused on being grateful that I Bryce Lapisa the time and energy to do all the initiation---and that I had the listening skills and curiosity to want to hear all about them. I figured I was helping make the world a better place by offering friendship while helping myself have friends. But eventually I realized these weren't friends. After initiating 20 times, if I pulled back and stopped, I never heard from them again!
Confusion and perhaps projection going here?
Missions are altruistic; satisfying in and of itself.
I struggled with this problem for many years and finally decided a friendship shouldn't be work. I was the one who planned outings, invited everyone, planned movie trips, dinners, etc and people would show up.... but no one else would take the step to start. I finally stopped and it took several months for them to reach out to me. I simply said, It's too much work to keep this friendship going. If you want to see me - call me, I'm not doing all the work.
A current friend is next on the list.... I keep getting texts "we need to have lunch, we need to go shopping" but when I reach out it's always "I don't know what Husband has planned" "ask him?" then crickets.... stopped asking. Then I get a text when she sees I've done something with another friend "I would have loved to go" .... I respond, well whenever I ask you - you can't. I'm not going to keep asking - I'm moving on.
I sympathize, OP. Like others, I've become aware of this behaviour and have trimmed my "friends" list to people who don't make me feel like I have to do all the work. Don't worry about it, just get rid of people like that and save your energy for people who are more equitable with their efforts.
I agree with most of what people have written. For years I had reached to people and I finally got fed up of one way street relationships. So even now when I meet new people if I reach a few times and nothing works out and then I simply let go as i don't have patience to invest new one way relationships.
OP I can totally relate to everything you wrote. I put a lot of energy into maintaining my friendships, only to have these people I call my "friends" flake out on me frequently, and yet I still kept giving them second chances, making excuses for them time and time again.
It all came to a head when I was moving 1,000+ miles away. My best friend threw me a going away party. I invited my good friends to the party, even rearranging the party start time to accommodate my one friend being able to come, she had a family birthday party to attend so I pushed pack my going away party so she could do both.
Well the day of the going away party I started getting calls and texts that my friends were sick and couldn't make it. Finally the friend that I had rearranged the party time for texted and said she wasn't coming either, that she was still at the birthday party and she couldn't get away. The friend who hosted my birthday party is my only friend I had there. And yes I realize people get sick, however none of these sick people called or texted and offered to see me a different day before I left, they just didn't come to the party, and then let me leave without saying goodbye.
I'll tell you what when I left town for good I was fuming at these people that I thought were my friends. It turns out that once I left and stopped initiating there were zero girls nights out, or coffee breaks at Starbucks etc. Without me there to plan everything it all just stopped happening. Once I stopped initiating the conversations, they stopped also, except for a Merry Christmas by text this year.
I'm done. I decided that 2018 is the year that I am finished busting my hump to go the extra mile for people who just don't give a rip about me. Yeah maybe I won't have any many friends, but at least the couple I do still have are genuine. I'm done putting in all the effort and getting little to nothing in return. My advice is to do the same. Get rid of the dead weight and focus on the real friends that you have left.
Couldn't agree more. The reality is you're very lucky in life if you have one or two true friends. Most people are just acquaintances.
I agree with most of what people have written. For years I had reached to people and I finally got fed up of one way street relationships. So even now when I meet new people if I reach a few times and nothing works out and then I simply let go as i don't have patience to invest new one way relationships.
I think also as we get older we have less patience for nonsense and flaky behavior.
I struggled with this problem for many years and finally decided a friendship shouldn't be work. I was the one who planned outings, invited everyone, planned movie trips, dinners, etc and people would show up.... but no one else would take the step to start. I finally stopped and it took several months for them to reach out to me. I simply said, It's too much work to keep this friendship going. If you want to see me - call me, I'm not doing all the work.
A current friend is next on the list.... I keep getting texts "we need to have lunch, we need to go shopping" but when I reach out it's always "I don't know what Husband has planned" "ask him?" then crickets.... stopped asking. Then I get a text when she sees I've done something with another friend "I would have loved to go" .... I respond, well whenever I ask you - you can't. I'm not going to keep asking - I'm moving on.
Part of the problem could be the two options of having lunch and/or shopping. I wouldn't want to do either with a female friend. They are also two stereotypical activities geared to what women are thought to be interested in, especially the shopping suggestion. I don't believe in gender-based activity like shopping, which men would never suggest to each other as a shared activity. Just meeting for coffee/tea is more appealing. (for me)
In the case of the friend who texts saying she'd like to get together for lunch and/or shopping. Obviously, the 'idea' of this is much more appealing to her than the actually doing. She probably keeps hoping that she will be in the mood to get together sometime, but the mood never ends up striking her.
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