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When I lived in the south, younger people would refer to an adult as "Miss Mary" even though Miss Mary was really Mrs. Mary Smith. If you feel her calling you by your first name is too informal and calling you Mrs. Whatever is too formal, try that.
Where I live if you call most women age 70 or 75 or younger "ma'am" it is a very, very clear insult.
Heck, I'm a "young looking" 65 but needed to use a walker after my surgery for cancer and absolutely hated it the few times that someone called me ma'am. At 65 I am far too young to be a ma'am.
My daughter is a beautiful, 30 year old female and was called ma'am by a young man (probably in his early/mid twenties) and she went to her car to cry in private. To her, and to other females her age,in our area, that clearly meant that she was "an old hag, unattractive, well beyond her prime years".
I honestly have a hard time wrapping my brain around what you've written. To me, the young man was being polite and respectful when he called your daughter "ma'am." I cannot even begin to fathom that he would have intended any kind of insult by it. And it would have never occurred to me to take any kind of offense by it, much less to the point of crying.
I prefer living in a more genteel area, where terms of respect are intended to convey respect, not insult.
I honestly have a hard time wrapping my brain around what you've written. To me, the young man was being polite and respectful when he called your daughter "ma'am." I cannot even begin to fathom that he would have intended any kind of insult by it. And it would have never occurred to me to take any kind of offense by it, much less to the point of crying.
I prefer living in a more genteel area, where terms of respect are intended to convey respect, not insult.
Different regions have different customs. What's so difficult to grasp? Don't kid yourself. Living in a genteel area doesn't mean respect is always conveyed. Insults and rudeness exists everywhere.
Where I live if you call most women age 70 or 75 or younger "ma'am" it is a very, very clear insult.
Heck, I'm a "young looking" 65 but needed to use a walker after my surgery for cancer and absolutely hated it the few times that someone called me ma'am. At 65 I am far too young to be a ma'am.
My daughter is a beautiful, 30 year old female and was called ma'am by a young man (probably in his early/mid twenties) and she went to her car to cry in private. To her, and to other females her age,in our area, that clearly meant that she was "an old hag, unattractive, well beyond her prime years".
Quote:
Originally Posted by bus man
I honestly have a hard time wrapping my brain around what you've written. To me, the young man was being polite and respectful when he called your daughter "ma'am." I cannot even begin to fathom that he would have intended any kind of insult by it. And it would have never occurred to me to take any kind of offense by it, much less to the point of crying.
I prefer living in a more genteel area, where terms of respect are intended to convey respect, not insult.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ss20ts
Different regions have different customs. What's so difficult to grasp? Don't kid yourself. Living in a genteel area doesn't mean respect is always conveyed. Insults and rudeness exists everywhere.
In my area, calling a woman, who is not elderly, "ma'am" is an insult, even when it is done with a straight face and a smile.
The only thing that I can compare it to is addressing a 40 or 50 year old African-American man as "boy" or calling any person of color a "n******" or other highly, racially offensive terms. Bus man, can you "wrap your brain around" that?
Yes, being called ma'am is that offensive to women, in my area. But, sometimes, we just have to "shrug it off" or ignore it, I suppose like an adult black male being called "boy" or "n*******" had to/has to do.
Just thinking about this topic, and writing this post, has raised my blood pressure so high that I need to take a break from CD.
Last edited by germaine2626; 01-24-2018 at 12:12 PM..
In my area, calling a woman, who is not elderly, "ma'am" is an insult, even when it is done with a straight face and a smile.
The only thing that I can compare it to is addressing a 40 or 50 year old African-American man as "boy" or calling any person of color a "n******" or other highly, racially offensive terms. Bus man, can you "wrap your brain around" that?
Yes, being called ma'am is that offensive to women, in my area. But, sometimes, we just have to "shrug it off" or ignore it, I suppose like an adult black male being called "boy" or "n*******" had to/has to do.
Just thinking about this topic, and writing this post, has raised my blood pressure so high that I need to take a break from CD.
What the.. I moved to NC when I was in my late 20s, and supermarket baggers called me ma'am. Their parents had taught them how to be polite. Sometimes polite people get tips.
I was always glad to hear that my teenager got a tip because he went above and beyond. He didn't expect one, which was the biggest deal to me.
In my culture calling by the first name is more respectful/ personal. Basically if I wasn't sure about a guy I was dating I'd call his mother Mrs. lastname but if I was really really fond of him and his family and picturing myself at the family barbecue next year I'd start calling her by her first name. However, a lot of my friends are from different cultures where formality and rules dictate. Without rules though it falls to comfort. Rules are actually kind of nice in that way- they take the guesswork out of it.
If your name is Gloria Manherhammen Vandervilhousen and you want to be addressed that way- go for it. If you prefer people to call you Gi-Gi or simply Mrs. V or even Mamma V- go for it. It's your call ultimately. If she is serious about your son and wants to fit in with the family she will call you whatever you say you prefer her to. If your son develops a serious relationship with her you will basically be taking on a daughter. There are so many more important things that are going to come up in following years.
Do you hug her? Should she give you gifts during holidays? Do you give gifts during holidays?
We (and I'm not exception) make things way more complicated than they need to be.
What the.. I moved to NC when I was in my late 20s, and supermarket baggers called me ma'am. Their parents had taught them how to be polite. Sometimes polite people get tips.
I was always glad to hear that my teenager got a tip because he went above and beyond. He didn't expect one, which was the biggest deal to me.
I don't live in NC. I know that calling a young or middle aged woman ma'am is different in the south and different if you are in the military.
When you were in your late 20s what would you have done if the supermarket baggers had said to you "Here are your groceries, you disgusting, smelly old hag." Hmmm, I bet you wouldn't have given them a tip, even if they said it politely.
My entire point is that words can mean different things in different places and what is acceptable in one region of the country or one part of a state may not be acceptable some place else and people need to be aware of that. CD is read by people all of the US, and to a lesser degree English speaking people from all over the world. Just because YOU were pleased to be caused "ma'am" in your late 20s, in NC, does not mean that it is acceptable to call other young adult women "ma'am"everyplace in the country or world.
It is similar to how certain common gestures in the US may mean something completely different, even something quite offensive, in another country.
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626
In my area, calling a woman, who is not elderly, "ma'am" is an insult, even when it is done with a straight face and a smile.
The only thing that I can compare it to is addressing a 40 or 50 year old African-American man as "boy" or calling any person of color a "n******" or other highly, racially offensive terms. Bus man, can you "wrap your brain around" that?
Yes, being called ma'am is that offensive to women, in my area. But, sometimes, we just have to "shrug it off" or ignore it, I suppose like an adult black male being called "boy" or "n*******" had to/has to do.
Just thinking about this topic, and writing this post, has raised my blood pressure so high that I need to take a break from CD.
I called my neighbors Miss or Mrs, first or last name. The younger people got called by their first name, the seniors by their last. It was Mr. Randall, or Mr. Parsons.
My mother taught me manners, but there was a whole different thing going on in the South.
In my area, calling a woman, who is not elderly, "ma'am" is an insult, even when it is done with a straight face and a smile.
The only thing that I can compare it to is addressing a 40 or 50 year old African-American man as "boy" or calling any person of color a "n******" or other highly, racially offensive terms. Bus man, can you "wrap your brain around" that?
Yes, being called ma'am is that offensive to women, in my area. But, sometimes, we just have to "shrug it off" or ignore it, I suppose like an adult black male being called "boy" or "n*******" had to/has to do.
Just thinking about this topic, and writing this post, has raised my blood pressure so high that I need to take a break from CD.
Jeez. I'm from the North, too (I've always thought "ma'am" was more of a Southern thing), and also consider it a term to be used on older women but no one here gets that worked up about being called it. Sounds dramatic to me TBCH.
Jeez. I'm from the North, too (I've always thought "ma'am" was more of a Southern thing), and also consider it a term to be used on older women but no one here gets that worked up about being called it. Sounds dramatic to me TBCH.
I'm from the Northeast and calling women ma'am doesn't go over well with most women. One of my grandmothers HATED being called ma'am. She said that was for old ladies. She passed away in her late 80's and still hated it.
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Sounds dramatic to me TBCH.
