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I'm so sorry that you're going through this.You need to understand that it's not anything that you've done.He is allowing his relationship to dictate how he is reacting with you and that's not cool.He doesn't have a healthy balance between your friendship and his relationship and that is sad ESPECIALLY since he has known you a lot longer then his 'relationship'.What you need to do...you have already done and he STILL isn't respecting you.You have already told him how he's treating you isn't cool..he's stated that he knows his actions hasn't been cool YET he is STILL doing it.
Trust me on this when I say that IF he breaks up with his gf...he would be right back to the old friend of yours BUT you don't want any part of that because he would just go back to being inconsiderate again once he gets into another relationship.Some people are like that..it's very rude and inconsiderate.Let him go.He's a lost cause because he chooses to be inconsiderate...that is always a choice...not a way someone is born.I too believe in forgiveness BUT don't expect to forgive the person and that person all of a sudden comes to their senses...nope it will NOT happen.Forgive him and move on...meaning end the friendship.If he asks you...then tell him that you had had enough being treated that way.It's not cool. People who have always had a healthy balance with their friendships and relationships don't have this problem because they fully understand how important both things are and there should be a healthy balance.
Here is the background. I used to be pretty close friends with my buddy. In many ways, he was like me – very dependable, always on-time, always willing to help. I am the type of person who would rather have 3 friends than 20 acquaintances and I am 100% dedicated to those people. If any of them ever need a favor, I am doing it, regardless of how inconvenient it is. And my friends have mostly been very dependable, too. We are both in the 30-35 years old range.
So my buddy used to be like that, too. However, he started dating this girl 2 years ago and they are now engaged. When she came into the picture, we were all super excited, we welcomed her in etc. However, she never reciprocated the effort and slowly the changes started to emerge. My buddy started to be less and less willing to do stuff. Understandable, you are dating a new person. However, they were not hanging 1x1. They just kept doing all this stuff with her friends and never invite us to anything. Fine, whatever.
But then he started always being late for stuff. Then he started only being able to hang out when it is convenient to him, never willing to go out of his way. Then he basically started hanging out once every couple of months. He has largely become extremely inconsiderate. The other day, he invited me and our other buddy to go see his new house. As we are getting into the car, he texts us and he is like “oh hey, she wants to go to the beach, so we are doing that instead”.
This part is a little surprising.
Usually when people are reliable, they stay reliable. Like the people I know who are sorta unreliable, they're always sorta unreliable.
Maybe you just didn't really read him right.
I was buddies with this guy when I was younger, like late 20s, and he was a little older. He used to always return my calls and was on time and reliable. But once he got a girlfriend (they're married now), he would ignore calls and flake. Just agree to show up and then never show up. He was best friends with a guy in our circle and he did it to him all the time.
We just really didn't know him that well. He was only reliable because he had nothing better to do. A lot of people are like that.
Just for comparison, I also have friends I have drifted away from and we don't have that much fun hanging out together anymore, but they wouldn't commit to things they cannot go to.
OK your buddy is now all cozy with the inconsiderate girl - a girl who is obviously unfriendly to you.
Your buddy wants to keep things happy with this girl... so he wants to please her. She probably whines to him about spending time with you. So you REALLY ever think that YOU are gonna be in this equation and welcomed to their home? (well wait and see... when they want gifts, they will invite you. Trust me.)
Your buddy, obviously, is being led around by... well, you get it.
Someone else said immature and dramatic... Yep. You don't need friends like this guy.
Let it go... quit reaching out. That friendship is dying a slow death. If your old friend wants to contact you, fine, but I suggest ceasing all efforts on your part.
The other day, he invited me and our other buddy to go see his new house. As we are getting into the car, he texts us and he is like “oh hey, she wants to go to the beach, so we are doing that instead”.
I wonder how many people here would actually admit to doing this kind of stuff.
It's funny how there's a post every day about friends being unreliable. Somebody here has to be 'that other person'.
I remember a time when I was going to visit my sister in the city. I had called her and asked her if she could hang out. The traffic at the Holland Tunnel was just horrendous. So I called her and told her I was turning around. And she was rightfully p@ssed. That wasn't too good.
To me, part of the value of CD forum is you get to speak to people without actually speaking to them. I mean, yea your friend is probably not going to read this post. But someone who totally flaked on their friend this past weekend in the same way is reading this thread. Maybe it will register, maybe not.
But yea, some people are worse than others. Constant flakes, constantly late. Those people need to find each other and marry each other and have flaky kids...
So I have never been in a situation like this. Usually, friendships just die because people move or whatever. Plus it has never happened with somebody I have been very close with.
I am wondering if I should keep making an effort or if I should just call it quits. And if I do decide to call it quits, how I should go about it.
Here is the background. I used to be pretty close friends with my buddy. In many ways, he was like me – very dependable, always on-time, always willing to help. I am the type of person who would rather have 3 friends than 20 acquaintances and I am 100% dedicated to those people. If any of them ever need a favor, I am doing it, regardless of how inconvenient it is. And my friends have mostly been very dependable, too. We are both in the 30-35 years old range.
So my buddy used to be like that, too. However, he started dating this girl 2 years ago and they are now engaged. When she came into the picture, we were all super excited, we welcomed her in etc. However, she never reciprocated the effort and slowly the changes started to emerge. My buddy started to be less and less willing to do stuff. Understandable, you are dating a new person. However, they were not hanging 1x1. They just kept doing all this stuff with her friends and never invite us to anything. Fine, whatever.
But then he started always being late for stuff. Then he started only being able to hang out when it is convenient to him, never willing to go out of his way. Then he basically started hanging out once every couple of months. He has largely become extremely inconsiderate. The other day, he invited me and our other buddy to go see his new house. As we are getting into the car, he texts us and he is like “oh hey, she wants to go to the beach, so we are doing that instead”.
Then the previous month, we were supposed to meet and take the dogs to the beach, but he ignored me all day and at 8 pm he texted me and was like “hey, we just ended up staying home all day”.
I am honestly tired of it. I have told him numerous times that he is acting like a **** and he is like “yeah, you are right, I need to get better at it” but it only gets worse. I don’t need acquaintances. I am just about ready to basically have him out of my life.
But, then I am also wondering how to go about it. he still texts a lot in our common chat room. I don’t want to be dramatic like a high school break-up, but I just kind of want to let him know that the friendship is done.
Finally, I am also pretty religious and I have been taught to forgive. I feel like I have done it multiple times with him and I have just reached my limit, but I want to do the right thing here.
Thanks a lot for your help.
It happens in every life. The friend who grows in a different direction than you. Or the friend who is so whipped that he forsakes his friends for her.
Rather than be resentful, just wait for him to initiate matters rather than behave like the needy girlfriend. And get some more friends.
I do not think that you are being pushy by all means. You are frustrated and there has been a couple years into this behavior of being blown off. I do understand where you are coming from. I had girlfriends who got married and you never hear from them again. I feel that I still do things with my friends, and still make the marriage a priority, as I still have many single friends.
I would just get out and meet new people, forge new friendships. I am sure that your friend is just tied up in his new life, and doesn't know how to manage friendships and his romantic relationship. I would not give up on him, I just wouldn't spend time trying to get him to get out and do things.
Your time is valuable. Don't wait around even if you have plans and don't hear from him.
And the problem is? Let him know where your group will be and don't wait for him or expect him. Just plan without him. He's moved on.
^^^^^^^^^ This ^^^^^^^^^
Just go about your lives as if he isn't going to show up. Continue to include him in invitations if you want, but don't make accommodations for his lateness or flakiness or any other inconsiderate behavior. If he's late, he experiences the consequences. Never wait for him before starting whatever it is you get together to do. Never postpone anything to accommodate him. Let him know he's welcome, but you're not going to alter your plans regardless of what he decides to do.
If his relationship fails and he wants to get back on the original footing, he can just rejoin the group. If that doesn't happen, you will all have moved on anyway and won't miss him.
Why is someone 'whipped' if they get into a relationship and make that person their priority?
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