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My wife and I are in mid -to-late 30's. We are rather firm about not wanting to have kids of our own. Neither of us has that parenting instinct that seems to take over most "normal" people.
In the last couple of years more and more of our friends are starting to have babies. They have been good friends, for years, and have meant a lot to us. Our worlds were intertwined with theirs to a larger degree I am comfortable with acknowledging. However, I cannot even begin to understand the thought process that one goes through when deciding to have their own children.I know that sounds strange to most, but it's just not a part of my DNA.
Anyways, I know folks like that are out there so this is addressed to them. In your experience, is it worth making an effort to preserve friendships with new parents? Or is that a lost battle that should just be ceded in advance, as painful as it may sound?
Input by those, who are childless by choice, would be much appreciated. It is starting to feel a bit lonely.I would appreciate your stories about navigating that point in your life when most of humanity took that parenting fork in the road.
(As a disclaimer, I shun away from the term "childfree" because it seems to equate to "child hater" (judging by the content of childfree forums). It is part of my core values to not hate any class of beings. We even sincerely find children adorable, at least after 2 years of age or so. I just feel zero attraction to the path of parenthood and, frankly, do not feel that we have either emotional or economic resources to walk that path well in this world we find ourselves in.)
I don't know if I'd use the word "doomed," but yes, major life events like--but not limited to--a new child will affect existing relationships. And it's probably true that of all the possible life changes, parenthood is on the upper end of the scale as far as how deep of an impact it could make.
But in my experience a couple things get revealed when I dig deeper.
In a lot of cases, I was probably drifting apart anyway as we aged generally. I liken it to what happens when two ships are sailing parallel and one makes a tiny 0.01 degree course change. You're still close for a while but suddenly you notice how apart you are, just through daily changes in work, play, other relationships, health, etc.
Since I see change as a constant part of life, I remind myself to be natural about it and try not to suggest the drift is sinister or willful.
I also think of it from a flipped perspective: what would I think and how would I feel if friendships I had in my 20s never evolved as we entered our 30s/40s/50s? Some of the friends I "lost" I could probably chalk up to being stuck in certain time periods which didn't match up at a given time in our friendship.
The friendship is only doomed if you object to being around their children when you hang out with them.
My husband and I don't have kids, and most of my friends do. If we do something with those friends, the kids are often involved. That's how it is.... The children are part of their life now.
If you love them as friends, make an effort to stay connected. But accept that they will be quite focused on their new kids and will want to spend more time with others who have kids so they can bring kids along and mostly just talk about their children freely. If you have a passion for a shared interest — a sport, a hobby, a political involvement — that will likely be something you will continue to enjoy as couples. If its just hanging out, that will totally change or stop entirely.
**Find and forge friendships with retirees and/or empty nesters.**
( Pick good ones, and you'll be surprised how quickly you forget there's an age difference!)
When people turn into parents, the majority give parenthood most of their time and effort. They also tend to want friendships with others who can share in the joys, struggles, challenges of raising children. It can be all consuming. They need people in same situation/boat to commiserate with.
There are exceptions, and sometimes people seek out childless couples so they can retreat from that life and reminders of parenting responsibilities.
p.s.
Babysitters are expensive, and children tend to challenge the budget anyways. So if being with you means babysitter, and without children in tow activities, chances are they will opt to hang out with a couple who have kids just for the mere fact of saving money and hassle.
Last edited by picklejuice; 03-13-2018 at 11:43 AM..
The friendship is only doomed if you object to being around their children when you hang out with them.
My husband and I don't have kids, and most of my friends do. If we do something with those friends, the kids are often involved. That's how it is.... The children are part of their life now.
Same here. The relationships are not doomed, but they are curtailed.
Sometimes we'll have "date night" with our friends but it's rare. Especially rare with parents of multiple children and when they reach the age of going to birthday parties, involved in playing sports on the weekends, etc.
We are friends with a couple who have four children - one is a baby but the other three are little older and all are involved in playing soccer. The oldest plays travel soccer. So their weekends are basically shuffling from one soccer match to another - and then there's baseball/t-ball season, then there's swimming, then basketball.
The friendship is only doomed if you object to being around their children when you hang out with them.
My husband and I don't have kids, and most of my friends do. If we do something with those friends, the kids are often involved. That's how it is.... The children are part of their life now.
This. The friends without kids that we engage with the most are the ones who expect the kids to be involved in most activities.
However, if there is some activity you share, the kid thing does not matter.
I have kids, but I engage in activities (like tennis) with other people who don't have kids OR have grown kids OR have kids the same age. The kids/no kids thing becomes completely irrelevant on the tennis court.
I went through a very hard time when all of my friends started having children. In all cases I am still friends with everyone, but it was never the same. I have found new friendships through common interests, but nothing that holds up to the camaraderie and closeness of my former group.
It's hard when you really have nothing in common anymore.
I don't know if I'd use the word "doomed," but yes, major life events like--but not limited to--a new child will affect existing relationships. And it's probably true that of all the possible life changes, parenthood is on the upper end of the scale as far as how deep of an impact it could make.
But in my experience a couple things get revealed when I dig deeper.
In a lot of cases, I was probably drifting apart anyway as we aged generally. I liken it to what happens when two ships are sailing parallel and one makes a tiny 0.01 degree course change. You're still close for a while but suddenly you notice how apart you are, just through daily changes in work, play, other relationships, health, etc.
Since I see change as a constant part of life, I remind myself to be natural about it and try not to suggest the drift is sinister or willful.
I also think of it from a flipped perspective: what would I think and how would I feel if friendships I had in my 20s never evolved as we entered our 30s/40s/50s? Some of the friends I "lost" I could probably chalk up to being stuck in certain time periods which didn't match up at a given time in our friendship.
Great post!
Not directed solely at the OP, but I'm always baffled by friends who don't expect that friendships will change when people get married, have kids, have to care for ailing family members, etc.
Parenthood is all-consuming. Those tiny beings depend on mom and dad for everything. It doesn't mean your friends are not your friends, but there's only so much to go around. We go over to our friends houses 95% of the time because all the toys are there, they can put the kids to bed, they don't have to go to the expense of sitters or finding family to watch the kids. Hubby's BFF has 4 kids, his brother has 3. It's just easier to go to them.
If your friends matter to you, you find ways to get together, even if it's less frequent and not the type of activities you did before. Do you know couples without kids or could you try new activities and meet new people?
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