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In general I agree and it was very difficult to adjust to when we first came to America but it depends where you live too. We just moved away from a small village in the Midwest that was socially very active compared to Arizona. People in our neighborhood keep themselves to themselves and are not socially friendly ( that’s not a criticism -it is what it is). It takes a while to find your tribe so to speak or find an area /place that is more social.
Having said that I too don’t want people “just stop by” as I work at home and it disrupts my schedule. Most of my friends respected my time and would text and we could meet for lunch or a walk or whatever. The way you make friends in America is very different and at times frustrating the first few years here,but I always chalked it down to learning how to work around and with in adapting to a new culture.
Born and raised in the USA and I wholly agree with the OP's observations. Having moved cross country a few times in my adult life, it's very hard to impossible to re-establish a working social circle as an adult due to the very things the OP noted in their observations.
Here I can't even find the "lonely losers" group. Nearly everyone has lived here all their lives and this isn't exactly a "destination" for anyone. The social life we do have is based on family and family friends and we don't exactly fit in. We are moving again to the east coast and are prepared to never make new friend again. I miss AK where everyone was from somewhere else, were very mobile and had to accept an elastic circle if they wanted a social life.
Cripes, so I'm not the only one experiencing this... same, exact, story. Lots of moves for work (military), that ends and my wife wants to go "home" after a decade away and the friends she had before are involved in their own lives. 100% of our social activity is family... not even friends of family, because THEY don't seem to have any either (having stayed in the same 30 mile radius for their entire lives).
Annoying, but I just don't care anymore. I miss having friends, but it's not worth the Massive efforts needed to be constantly shut out. So, my wife and I are our own best friends.
I've tried to do the few meetup type things that exist around me (rural, so there's not much available), but those are sad and awkward examples of people doing something together while being anti-social. It's very much the "lets plan to kayak this river, 8~noon" with no one wanting to grab a bite to eat after (load up and zoom off). I brew beer, used to be that I could entice some guys over with that, these days I get nothing.
So, OP, you're not wrong. I've seen it as getting worse the more technology develops... it wasn't like this 20 years ago. But at the same time, I wasn't the same 20 years ago either... so skewed perspective issues.
And I prefer planning get together because I have a lot of things I’m trying to juggle.
I think this is key.
In general, we're over scheduled so it's difficult to be spontaneous between work and family.
Personally, when I count my commute, I'm out of the house 11 hours a day. When I get home, it's feed the dog, walk the dog, empty the dishwasher, prepare dinner, eat dinner, load the dishwasher, pack lunch for tomorrow - after that, I just want to veg in front of the TV with my husband for a couple of hours before going to bed.
Weekends are chores around the house and fun activities with my husband. I'm slightly introverted so I enjoy just my husband and I doing things more than group gatherings.
Living in a metro area, it's not unusual for it to take 30 minutes to drive 5 miles. That alone is a deterrent for weeknight get togethers.
Many of our friends have kids, so they're typically running them around to various after school activities then home for dinner and homework, and they are involved in sports/activities on the weekends.
Born and raised in the USA and I wholly agree with the OP's observations. Having moved cross country a few times in my adult life, it's very hard to impossible to re-establish a working social circle as an adult due to the very things the OP noted in their observations.
Here I can't even find the "lonely losers" group. Nearly everyone has lived here all their lives and this isn't exactly a "destination" for anyone. The social life we do have is based on family and family friends and we don't exactly fit in. We are moving again to the east coast and are prepared to never make new friends again. I miss AK where everyone was from somewhere else, were very mobile and had to accept an elastic circle if they wanted a social life.
I made some of the most amazing circle of friends at the age of 50 in the small village in the Midwest but that was a unique circumstance and part of it so many were from somewhere else and the village attracts people who enjoy community. We have now moved to Arizona and honestly I doubt I will make friends like this again. I am resigned to it.
Going to church,or sports bars or joining golf clubs are not an option
I think there is too much a focus on total independence, actually wanting or needing someone else sometimes is seen as weakness, people find normal social interactions creepy, and most people are way too over-scheduled, as if free time is somehow scary or makes them feel lost.
I've read things surmising that the modern culture is one of detachment. A lot of the connections we have with others are done electronically in short bursts (texts, social media), or regimented in such a way that there is no room for diverging from the path. (kayaking 8-12, as Brian-M said above... and no time or creativity? to extend it for any reason). It's almost like a parody of social connections... play-acting. I think it manifests in the confusion or anxiety that comes when someone diverges from "the plan" too. ie Someone stops by unannounced and the other person has serious issues saying, "Oh, I'm sorry Bob. I'm in the middle of a project." and instead feels put-upon, awkward, and angry at Bob.
No, I'm not saying it's all like this. Obviously, people are all different.
Not everyone views spontaneity as a good thing. I don’t want anyone to “just stop by” when I’m not expecting them. And I prefer planning get together because I have a lot of things I’m trying to juggle. Not having things planned is too stressful.
Me neither. I hate unexpected visitors. Don't get me wrong, I'm not someone who needs to make meticulous, detailed plans weeks in advance, but I'm not spontaneous to the point where I want a Kramer-style neighbor swinging by at will.
church is easily the biggest social events people go to every week
Anyone not of the right religion will have trouble with that - either because you're not "devout" or because those there who aren't "devout" are fakers I'd have no interest in.
OP, I'm glad you mentioned the dropping-in on people. I noticed that's normal in some countries, so I got on a personal crusade to bring back "going visiting" in the US, which seems to have died out sometime not long after the 19850's, or so, aside from among young people. I've got mixed results; some people appreciate it, but some people prefer that you at least call to let them know you'r'e going to be dropping in. That may seem like a contradiction in terms--a forwarding of the drop-in, but it's considered a courtesy, so I think it's a reasonable request. But some people with kids, or who have a busy after-work schedule of volunteering, or whatever, can't accommodate even that.
I've been lucky; my friends who married and had kids always included me, and wanted to see me, and they had other single friends they saw regularly, too. It's normal. Only on C-D did I find out that there are people who cut out their single friends after they get married, which, you're right--it doesn't make sense.
The thing about scheduling in visiting time, is that these days, many people are busy after work; some may have a 2nd job, others may have a fairly routine job they're not too interested in, and use their after-work time to do their really meaningful work in the world. So that keeps them busy. Kids, also, if they have any, can keep them busy after work. Some people have the kind of career where they have to bring work home, to put in extra hours at home. There's that.
I wonder, though, to what extent there's another factor at play. At some point in time, the idea that it's polite to call in advance, or to schedule things well in advance, is polite, while dropping in unexpectedly isn't polite. IOW, catching people by surprise may be awkward for the people being dropped-in-on. This idea may have become more rigid over time. IDK. Just a guess.
church is easily the biggest social events people go to every week
You do realize, don't you, that there are major swaths of the country, where churchgoing is not the dominant norm?
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