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My mom and I got into a pretty heated argument about 6 weeks ago. Although we have gotten into arguments before, and recently more frequently than I like, this is the longest we have gone without speaking to each other. When me, my husband, and our son left her house last month, she called me when we arrived home (3 hours away) and we got into a fight over several things. I ended up hanging up on her. Later that evening she sent me a text about how she was upset and not to text her back, we both needed to calm down. Well two weeks later she still had not spoken to me, so I decided to text and asked if she wanted to talk. She asked me if I wanted to talk about our argument or just other day-to-day stuff. I told her I wanted to talk about both, but more importantly some concerns about our relationship and how we get along. She said since her and my step dad were leaving to fly overseas in two days she didn't want to talk to me then, but just wanted to face time with our son (her grandson) and that's it. When we did end up face timing she said she would talk with me when they got back from their trip in about a week. So now she has returned, three days ago and I still have not heard from her. It's very unusual because we would talk almost everyday and I know she misses talking to our son, her only grandchild, and knowing how he is doing. I'm wondering if I should just wait for her to reach out to me or should I initiate contact again? I feel like she is being stubborn or something. I don't know if she is nervous about talking to me or if she really cares at all. I would think our relationship is important enough for her to talk, but now I'm wondering. Over the years I often times felt like I'm being manipulated and bullied by my mom with her words and it has really built up a lot of feelings within me. She always tells me that I need to let things go and not keep bringing up "stuff." I just have a lot I want to get off my chest, but not sure how to handle it. Any suggestions?
Give her a few more days, after traveling abroad myself when I get home from a long flight it takes me a couple of days to get over jet lag. You can maybe send her a text telling her that you hope they had a nice trip and to let you know when she's ready to talk.
Give her a few more days, after traveling abroad myself when I get home from a long flight it takes me a couple of days to get over jet lag. You can maybe send her a text telling her that you hope they had a nice trip and to let you know when she's ready to talk.
I agree with this. Unfortunately your mom sounds like the kind of person who needs to be to be top dog and expects others to put up with it (which validates her top dog status). What I would suggest is telling her that her behavior is demeaning to you and you don't like it. It's disrespectful. When she says to get over it, tell her that's an example of her demeaning your feelings right there!
I also think that you need to be more independent from her and not talk on the phone every day. Don't tell her all the details of your life such as finances and your relationship with your husband and others in the family such as siblings. She doesn't need to know every place you go and what you're doing all the time.
She told you she would call, so wait for her to call. She may play the game of trying to guilt you into calling first, but I wouldn't do it. Use the time to exercise your independence. Good Luck.
I don't understand why, after you & your husband and son, had visited her and left (apparently on good terms), she chased you down at home afterwards, to pick a fight. If that's how she behaves, I wouldn't be eager to contact her again, if I were you.
Relax, OP, and just let her reflect (if she's capable of that), and come around when she's ready. She'll contact you when she's ready, and if she doesn't--no great loss, IMO. I mean--who does that? Who enjoys a pleasant visit, then calls when you get home, and picks a fight? Granted, we don't have the whole story, but this sounds like someone I don't need in my life.
Perhaps you both could go to a family counselor and talk through things in a safe and objective setting. Other than that I’d say don’t chase and try to solve anything,but get on with your life. She knows where you are .
Send a card. A simple gesture can set the path for reconciliation. I sense that you both dearly love one another and at times maybe assert yourselves in not so recipricating ways. I hope you both find middle ground. Your son will thank you both.
Send her a bouquet of flowers with a little card that says who it's from. Do NOT put a sentiment in it, just your name. Leave it at that and leave her alone to contact you when she's ready. When she does call you stick to neutral conversation. Don't start flogging a dead horse and bringing up "stuff" from the past events.
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She always tells me that I need to let things go and not keep bringing up "stuff." I just have a lot I want to get off my chest, but not sure how to handle it. Any suggestions?
This is a huge red flag. Usually when somebody says they have a lot to get off their chest what that really means is they have a lot of stuff that they're complaining and ranting about. Are you a chronic complainer?
Let things go. Stop bringing up "stuff". If you have a lot of "stuff" to get off your chest don't use her as a sounding board or a punching bag, go do it somewhere else. If you've been doing that a lot then she's probably fed up and tired of listening to you get stuff off your chest. If you are getting stuff off your chest about her, and bringing up recriminations about things from the past that involve her or things close to her that she wants you to let go of and you won't let go of it, then she will be twice as sick and tired of listening to you get stuff off your chest.
Sometimes one last final straw is the straw that breaks a camel's back. Don't alienate your mother and break her back for you with one last straw if you can avoid it. You'll regret it if you do and so will your family.
I don't understand why, after you & your husband and son, had visited her and left (apparently on good terms), she chased you down at home afterwards, to pick a fight. If that's how she behaves, I wouldn't be eager to contact her again, if I were you.
Relax, OP, and just let her reflect (if she's capable of that), and come around when she's ready. She'll contact you when she's ready, and if she doesn't--no great loss, IMO. I mean--who does that? Who enjoys a pleasant visit, then calls when you get home, and picks a fight? Granted, we don't have the whole story, but this sounds like someone I don't need in my life.
I don't think she called to start a fight. I least I hope she would not do that. But it's like she got agitated quickly then I mentioned to her that she seemed to be that way for the past few days. After that's things escalated. I will just wait and see if she comes around.
Send her a bouquet of flowers with a little card that says who it's from. Do NOT put a sentiment in it, just your name. Leave it at that and leave her alone to contact you when she's ready. When she does call you stick to neutral conversation. Don't start flogging a dead horse and bringing up "stuff" from the past events.
This is a huge red flag. Usually when somebody says they have a lot to get off their chest what that really means is they have a lot of stuff that they're complaining and ranting about. Are you a chronic complainer?
Let things go. Stop bringing up "stuff". If you have a lot of "stuff" to get off your chest don't use her as a sounding board or a punching bag, go do it somewhere else. If you've been doing that a lot then she's probably fed up and tired of listening to you get stuff off your chest. If you are getting stuff off your chest about her, and bringing up recriminations about things from the past that involve her or things close to her that she wants you to let go of and you won't let go of it, then she will be twice as sick and tired of listening to you get stuff off your chest.
Sometimes one last final straw is the straw that breaks a camel's back. Don't alienate your mother and break her back for you with one last straw if you can avoid it. You'll regret it if you do and so will your family.
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Don't know if I necessarily agree with some of this. The reason why I think we continue to get into these fights is because of some underlying issues we have not dealt with or communicated about. Over the years, I feel tension has built up because I'm forced to never speak how I feel and just let it go. If I talk with her, then some past events, to use as examples will come up. The "stuff" I'm referring to only deals with my relationship with her, nothing else. Why would I let things go that bother me just because she does not feel like talking about it? She's my mother and maybe if we talk, we can put an end to some of it. If she's sick and tired of listening, then to me that says a lot about how she feels about me as a daughter and our relationship.
I would not initiate contact if I just wanted to get something off my chest. I would only call to see how her trip went.
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