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Well, I know for a fact that the wife's attitude is ...
"I really wish he could do something to contribute and get some kind of a real professional job, but I know he can't."
Money is no object, she makes a ton, and her job field has the best job security.
I could see how delivering pizzas might be beneath a person when you live in a big expensive house, but maybe working at Enterprise Rent a Car 15 hours a week or something? Or maybe an art store like AC Moore.
It would say a lot to me if he did that. "Hey, I'm going to try and contribute."
Come on now - this is absurd. The only thing a part time job contributes is hassles. She married an artist. Did she think that he was going to magically change into a 9-5 worker? Does she think a part time job will motivate him? It sounds like she wants to punish him.
Remember, whatever he might earn is cut in half by taxes because it sits on top of her earnings. If she is rolling big money that also means she probably has lots of vacation time.
"Sorry honey, we can't go on vacation because I get no vacation time for the 15 hours/$100 job I work each week - gotta teach the kids commitment!"
If he's got halfway decent people skills he could probably do the occasional teaching workshop and bring in as much money in a few hours as he would all week at a McJob. I have a painter friend who does this to supplement her income. (Doesn't hurt that it's contact with people who like art and have disposable income, either.)
Maybe I'm old school, but I dont know of any self respecting man that would stay at home instead of going to work earning a pay check.
Well, then you don't know me. I was a SAHD for 6 years and was glad to take care of the kids and the home. It worked well for us and for our situation at the time. When the situation changed (my wife's employment and career) then we changed the arrangement and I went back to work full time.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mizzile
I concur, this would be AWESOME. However this never works when the man is the one without a job. Somehow there is always still as much housework as ever before even with him doing nothing all day.
What utter nonsense! Men are just as capable of taking care of the house, doing the chores, grocery shopping, cooking, and taking care of the kids. If they choose not to, then they're just being lazy. But to say that the arrangement NEVER works is just stereotyping.
Quote:
Originally Posted by reneeh63
And yet we give at least lip service to women that they perform such a valuable (nay, INvaluable) service raising kids and caring for the family. That they should take pride in doing this not only for the sake of their family but that society should also be grateful.
SAHD can barely look folks in the eye without feeling ashamed and apparently don't see any value at all in caring for kids, home, and spouse? Do these guys really turn it around on a dime when their wives do the same thing? It suddenly becomes valuable THEN? Kind of all seems like a lie, doesn't it?
SAHD for 6 years, and proud of it. At the end of it, I didn't want to go back to work. I see tremendous value in having someone at home full time: it frees up the partner to pursue a career will less worry and conflict. But to my view, the gender for each role doesn't really matter. What matters more is the individual's commitment to the role.
My wife's job sent her traveling quite a bit. It was a high pressure job at a high pressure company, and she would spend 50 to 60 hours a week at it. But she made more than enough money for our family, and having both of us at work while raising school-aged children was causing problems of its own. So we jointly made the decision that I would leave the workforce. Once I took on the role of SAHD, I saw it as my job and my mission to do everything I could to support my wife in her career. Which meant taking care of everything at home. I may not have done everything to her liking, but everything got done. (But I still let her fold the laundry because I'm horrible at that.)
And I learned how to cook. I mean, really learned how to cook. Even though I've been back at work since 2010 I still do nearly all the cooking at home.
I couldn't do it. If he was physically able to work and our kids were in school/ we didn't even have kids, no. But I also never want to be a stay at home anything, so that's probably a big part of it.
There def. is a stigma when it comes to the man not working. For a very long time it was what women did, and had to do, so we accept that easier.
And while it may not be my cup of tea, each couple has the right to choose what works for them. I don't judge them for it
Come on now - this is absurd. The only thing a part time job contributes is hassles. She married an artist. Did she think that he was going to magically change into a 9-5 worker? Does she think a part time job will motivate him? It sounds like she wants to punish him.
Remember, whatever he might earn is cut in half by taxes because it sits on top of her earnings. If she is rolling big money that also means she probably has lots of vacation time.
"Sorry honey, we can't go on vacation because I get no vacation time for the 15 hours/$100 job I work each week - gotta teach the kids commitment!"
They need marriage counseling.
Haha. You're pretty spot on. Artists live for this kind of opportunity. As a musician myself, I dream of winning the lottery and sitting home all day and playing music.
And apparently, 50% of women would totally support me in doing that. I'll let you know when I'm available ladies!
Quote:
Originally Posted by billl
SAHD for 6 years, and proud of it. At the end of it, I didn't want to go back to work. I see tremendous value in having someone at home full time: it frees up the partner to pursue a career will less worry and conflict. But to my view, the gender for each role doesn't really matter. What matters more is the individual's commitment to the role.
My wife's job sent her traveling quite a bit. It was a high pressure job at a high pressure company, and she would spend 50 to 60 hours a week at it. But she made more than enough money for our family, and having both of us at work while raising school-aged children was causing problems of its own. So we jointly made the decision that I would leave the workforce. Once I took on the role of SAHD, I saw it as my job and my mission to do everything I could to support my wife in her career. Which meant taking care of everything at home. I may not have done everything to her liking, but everything got done. (But I still let her fold the laundry because I'm horrible at that.)
And I learned how to cook. I mean, really learned how to cook. Even though I've been back at work since 2010 I still do nearly all the cooking at home.
For a period time is a different thing.
If you told her that he'd be cleaning and cooking for a few hours and doing whatever for the rest of the time for 6 years, especially when the kids are between toddler and grade school age, and then after that, he'd be making like 50k doing say accounting, then she'd sign up for it in a HEARTBEAT. We're talking about the potential of supporting him for life. See above...
Also, as somebody else mentioned, because he won't be paying into social security, she needs to come up 100% of their retirement too. Just a lot to shoulder...
I don't consider one spouse working and the other not as "supporting them". Everything is joint. If it works for the family, then that is what matters.
In this case, maybe she believes in his art and wants to support him while he develops that. Maybe its just easier for her to have another adult at home to take care of all those things that come up when she is at work (kid sick, home repair man, appointments, pick up groceries, etc).
I am a SAHM and my kids are in school all day. I even have a housekeeper and I don't cook a lot. I am a SAHM because there is a lot going on with my kids and there is rarely a day when I am not taking them to an appointment or taking care of an emergency. If it weren't for that, I would go back to running my private business from home (which I did prior to being a SAHM) to keep my hours flexible so I could deal with the stuff that come up during the work day. My husband has a job where taking time off if very difficult because of his obligations. He is a professional, tenured and salaried. But it would be so difficult and badly impact his career if he had to do all those duties...or even half of them. He likes being able to get up in the morning and spend time getting ready for the day, while I throw on yoga pants and a tank and get the kids off to school. Most days, I get down time. So for us, not only does it work, it wouldn't work for us both to work full time unless we had a move in nanny or something. I know parents do manage, and some do great. But my husband's job affords us this flexibility, so why not?
Maybe its the same for your friend.
Last edited by HighFlyingBird; 05-31-2018 at 10:47 AM..
If you told her that he'd be cleaning and cooking for a few hours and doing whatever for the rest of the time for 6 years, especially when the kids are between toddler and grade school age, and then after that, he'd be making like 50k doing say accounting, then she'd sign up for it in a HEARTBEAT. We're talking about the potential of supporting him for life. See above...
At the time we made that change, we believed and assumed it would be permanent. And we were both okay with that.
But I get what you're saying. I do have a marketable skill and was able to fall back on that when we had to change back. But really, I don't see much of a difference between a woman being the SAHM without a marketable skill and a man in the same position. As long as the man is willing to work as hard and as effectively as a woman would in the same position (by that I am referring to home chores, cooking, child care, etc.). I would find it unacceptable for either gender to sit at home and do nothing to contribute to the partnership.
But I also think it's important that both adults in a partnership be able to work and make a living (even if one is currently not working). This provides a much better safety net than insurance, should the working spouse become unable to work.
Last edited by billl; 05-31-2018 at 11:53 AM..
Reason: clarification
I am a SAHM because there is a lot going on with my kids and there is rarely a day when I am not taking them to an appointment or taking care of an emergency. If it weren't for that, I would go back to running my private business from home (which I did prior to being a SAHM) to keep my hours flexible so I could deal with the stuff that come up during the work day. My husband has a job where taking time off if very difficult because of his obligations. He is a professional, tenured and salaried. But it would be so difficult and badly impact his career if he had to do all those duties...or even half of them.....
This was exactly the situation we found ourselves in, but with the genders reversed. We found there was so much going on in the lives of our children (even tho one was already in middle school) that having both of us work 45+ minutes away from home just got too stressful. Our situation was such that we didn't really need my salary, so why heap stress on our lives unnecessarily? It was one of the best decisions we've ever made in our marriage, and I don't ever regret one bit of it.
And I would go back to it in a heartbeat if I could.
So, recently I learned the status of somebody who is close to me has changed, and their husband is no longer a SAHF, since they agreed it would be better to put the kids in daycare.
The husband is an artist of sorts, or at least that's the best way to put it, but doesn't make any $ off of that skill. Their kids are very young, and it seems to me that if they are indeed together 'till death do us part' then she will be taking care of him.
Her response is "Oh well, he's just another tax deduction."
Here's a good article on the subject. And it's a pretty similar situation.
In any case, I was just curious as to how men and women feel on the subject.
So, let's say you're either the husband or wife here. The wife makes a lot. Enough to pretty comfortably support let's call it two kids and the husband in a upper/upper-middle class way. Kids are in daycare, so he doesn't perhaps the husband cleans, cooks, does chores. But he's supported by the wife. She pays for his car, his food, his housing, his spending $. His spending is not extravaggant. He's not a gold-digger, nothing extreme, out of a reality TV show, he's frugal, but makes nothing. During the rest of the day, maybe he works on his craft a lot, maybe a little, but he makes no $ doing it.
I KNOW that many women are supported in this manner, but socially it's just a completely different thing. Curious as to popular opinion.
Yes, this is called equality. If the arrangement works for them, why not?
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