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I've shared a house with my landlord since last year. She says we're roommates and friends.
The beginning was Ok. But soon after the honeymoon phase ended, the problems started.
Examples:
I used to work a 8am-4pm shift. She used to shower until 2am with her bathroom and bedroom doors open, bang around slamming doors giving me no more than 5 hours of sleep. I was tired and started coming late to work. It was a struggle to perform well. I asked her to change her shower routine. She did a bit but it remained late.
She would talk on the phone late, sometimes until 12:30am , again while knowing full well I had a busy full time job I need to be rested for. Her house her rules
When I was preparing dinner in the kitchen, the only time we'd typically run into each other on my work days, she'd make comments about what I was preparing, supervise my cooking by hovering over my shoulder, just being a pain. She said stuff like when I eat late, just like her mom does, I'll gain weight. She encouraged me to go to the gym and pull my shirt out to cover up my belly instead of highlight it
She asked me for all kinds of favors including mowing her lawn, redoing her garden, carrying heavy stuff to and from her car, moving furniture, redecorating her house, hanging up fixtures, cleaning common areas and my bathroom (she's an airbnb host and supposed to do the cleaning, after all she charges me a cleaning fee each time I book a room).., etc. She never paid me for my time and didn't discount my rent. She claimed we're friends and friends help each other, right?
I would foolishly share details about work and each time she'd disagree and tell me I'd think too much, I can never make decisions, then point to past issues where I rented cars for months when I wasn't sure what I was going to buy or lease, she would basically put me down at each opportunity.
As a result of the complaints, nagging , hovering, tracking my whereabouts - I started staying at work later and later, much to the chagrin of my boss who told me to stick to the schedule, and focus on leaving on time, even when I did unpaid overtime and was OK with that arrangement.
I started staying away for 11-12 hours a day to avoid my roommate but she still found a way to make my life miserable with her noise, insults and petty behavior.
To top it off, she's a messy person who leaves food scraps in the sink and on counters and the table for days, used paper towel, you name it. Plus clears her throat and spits her loogee in the sink. So gross.
I must have low confidence to put up with all this and continue to overpay. I tried to leave recently for a couple of nights but came back. I told her I wanted to try 1 week but she refused to accept a 1 week booking and since my stuff was still in her place and I didn't have time to move out with work being busy, she told me I had to extend it by 3 weeks.
And yet here I am. I'm still here and I don't know why. Did the victim of abuse become the abuser and have I become the victim? Help me understand why I put up with this substandard treatment.
She's a victim of domestic abuse? It would be interesting to get the other side of this story.
Why do you put up with this? You were probably subjected to bullying from a parent as a child and think it's normal. Unfortunately, you're going to attract bullies and need to be prepared to deal with it or move on when it happens.
You probably need more help than you will get on an internet forum. Have your considered counseling or therapy to understand why you tolerate this kind of behavior? No one deserves to be bullied. You deserve better. You need to believe that and act on it.
Why do you put up with this? You were probably subjected to bullying from a parent as a child and think it's normal. Unfortunately, you're going to attract bullies and need to be prepared to deal with it or move on when it happens.
Time to move. You don't need her permission.
I don't know why I put of with her petty belittling insults. I tried talking to her several times to find a compromise, for example in exchange for her being quiet at night and letting me relax, I would help her with household chores, even though with airbnb, it's the host who's supposed to do it, not the guest.
How did you know I was subject to bullying as a child? I actually was in school. And at work there's this bossy colleague who got on my former manager's good side and started bossing me around, telling me what to do as if she's my supervisor (she's not), calling me to bother me at work when she was supposed to be off, making commands and writing stuff like: I better do this and that, and to call her if I have questions, as if I had to action her directives. A colleague I get along better with told me I'm too nice sometimes and that I'm a pushover. I prefer to keep the peace than to make waves.
I know I need to move but I also need to learn how to deal with conflict before running away. And I feel like I need some encouragement or tips on how to stand up for myself to bullies.
She's irritating, but I really don't understand why you're there.
You say you overpay to stay there, you don't like her, you don't get enough sleep.
I don't know what you keep referring to as when you "book a room", but maybe that's beside the point.
You try to leave but can't - you keep coming back.
Why?
You're right there are so many things wrong with the situation and yet I stay.
I even told her I like the sound of her voice (when she speaks to me face to face in a friendly manner).
Just now I was in my room with the door closed so that should signal to her that I'm busy, not available to talk. She knocked and spoke to me through the door as I'm still in my pajamas. She asked if I was planning to do laundry today and tomorrow (my days off). I said not likely but why? She then claimed she had her own laundry to do and would need the machine for 2 days to do several loads. She knows that I like to do laundry on my days off, she works from home, why couldn't she do it during the 50 hours I was away this week at work? Uggh. She asked me several times through the door (I asked her in the past not to do that, she even talks through my bathroom door when I'm on the toilet, again despite me asking her not to do that) whether I had laundry this weekend, I told her maybe a load or two ,we can share the machine right? Nope she wants to hog it for 2 days. This is just one example of her selfish behavior, especially since she seems to have all the time in the world to do language exchanges on the phone loudly for several hours until 11pm on weeknights, no less. And then yet she wants to hog the washing machine on my days off, blocking my access because she's paranoid that my clothes will leave some "dirt" as she calls it and hers will be contaminated?
Oh and book a room is because sometimes I extend my stay at her house via airbnb, otherwise I pay her cash.
Last edited by sedonaverde; 01-20-2019 at 01:12 PM..
One more thing. After being with her for almost a year (we did have some fun times interacting positively as roommates, but it's been more negative than positive) and I started looking for a new place to live, I asked her if I could give out her name and contact info to prospective landlords if I thought I had found something good. You know what? She refused. She said she could take down the landlord's name and number and she could call them if she has time. Fat chance.
I did so much for her and yet she can't even help me by taking a couple of calls? It's as if she wants me to stay in a substandard situation where she benefits and I suffer.
I don't know why I put of with her petty belittling insults. I tried talking to her several times to find a compromise, for example in exchange for her being quiet at night and letting me relax, I would help her with household chores, even though with airbnb, it's the host who's supposed to do it, not the guest.
How did you know I was subject to bullying as a child? I actually was in school. And at work there's this bossy colleague who got on my former manager's good side and started bossing me around, telling me what to do as if she's my supervisor (she's not), calling me to bother me at work when she was supposed to be off, making commands and writing stuff like: I better do this and that, and to call her if I have questions, as if I had to action her directives. A colleague I get along better with told me I'm too nice sometimes and that I'm a pushover. I prefer to keep the peace than to make waves.
I know I need to move but I also need to learn how to deal with conflict before running away. And I feel like I need some encouragement or tips on how to stand up for myself to bullies.
The bolded is not a normal exchange between two people. Courteous people are quiet when other need to sleep; they don't need extra incentives.
I'll hazard a guess that one or both parents intimidated you and got you to act in a submissive manner. It may have been necessary at the time, but it isn't serving you now.
Learn to walk before you learn to run. It's going to take time to develop confidence in yourself that you need to stand up to bullies. Until then, there's nothing wrong with finding another place to live or talking to your supervisor about your bossy coworker. An AirBNB host is supposed to provide a clean, pleasant environment. You're paying her! And your supervisor gets the bigger paycheck and the nice office for dealing with problems their crew member is causing.
Look up Ollie Mathews on Youtube--he's a survivor of narcissistic abuse and his videos will help you make sense of your "friend's" behavior. If you get counseling, make sure your counselor deals with survivors of narcissistic abuse; I suspect that's what your problem is.
I know I need to move but I also need to learn how to deal with conflict before running away. And I feel like I need some encouragement or tips on how to stand up for myself to bullies.
You already know the answer for your living situation:
Quote:
Originally Posted by sedonaverde
I must have low confidence to put up with all this and continue to overpay.
I put up with this substandard treatment.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sedonaverde
I put of with her petty belittling insults.
I know I need to move ...
Quote:
Originally Posted by sedonaverde
You're right there are so many things wrong with the situation...
Quote:
Originally Posted by sedonaverde
I suffer.
As for as "standing up to bullies," you claim you like to keep the peace and not make waves. But there's a difference between keeping the peace and allowing yourself to be manipulated. Even just Googling articles about being assertive would help you make better choices.
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