Vacation plans with adult daughter question. (personality, conversation, boyfriend, spouse)
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I agree---not a deception---just her thinking that you were on the same page (even though you hadn't been informed) about how long you'd stay or that you honestly wouldn't care how long you stayed, as long as you got (even a short) vacation in Hawaii or got to spend a few days with her (seems she minimally doles out mother-daughter time all throughout the year, so vacation wouldn't be any different). It's a case of it being easier to ask for forgiveness than permission/approval for the scheduled short stay.
But---assuming you wanted to get out of it now, how would your money be refunded?
one of my favorite (self) saying is...I can be right …. but dead right...and in my more mature years RESTRAINT is a virtue learned and practiced
go on the four days.... enjoy yourself....don't ask about the following days or her plans that you wont be there..
appreciate what you have this isn't a perfect world.....
a mature wise person comfortable in their own skin...realizes …. you cannot control everything around you ...appreciate what you do have …. does no good to think negative thoughts.
time....is the one true gift we have not things...so enjoy your time....with her...
if you sense she had to compromise... and shes on edge..... be her best friend and thank her for the time you have with her..
life isn't meant to be perfect … we don't live in a perfect world...but we can hold our heads high and take the high road
humility is a virtue arrogance is a demon ...and sometimes pride can be
one of my favorite (self) saying is...I can be right …. but dead right...and in my more mature years RESTRAINT is a virtue learned and practiced
go on the four days.... enjoy yourself....don't ask about the following days or her plans that you wont be there..
appreciate what you have this isn't a perfect world.....
a mature wise person comfortable in their own skin...realizes …. you cannot control everything around you ...appreciate what you do have …. does no good to think negative thoughts.
time....is the one true gift we have not things...so enjoy your time....with her...
if you sense she had to compromise... and shes on edge..... be her best friend and thank her for the time you have with her..
life isn't meant to be perfect … we don't live in a perfect world...but we can hold our heads high and take the high road
humility is a virtue arrogance is a demon ...and sometimes pride can be
I agree with your sentiment---this is a great way to live----but it could be that OP just wouldn't enjoy all that travel for only four days. The idea of 11 days appealed to her, but if 4 doesn't, then I think that's a good enough reason not to go.
We did not discuss the exact timeline. The condo was reserved for 11 days. So one would assume that would be the timeline. I don’t think it would have bothered me if they maybe took two days at the end to themself. The build up to this vacation was just plain awkward. Just a lot of time, effort and money for a very short trip with a big splash of weird. Do I believed she purposely deceived me...no. That is too harsh of a word.
Then chalk this up to a learning experience for both of you, and couch it as such - BEFORE you go on the trip (if you choose to go). Tell her "Wow, my bad - we didn't discuss the exact time line and I should have done so before agreeing to buy the plane ticket. I assumed I'd be there longer, but I shouldn't have assumed it and won't make that mistake again in the future. But hey, I'm looking forward to the trip!" Then GO on the trip,and keep things light and fun, and don't add to the weirdness - take away from it.
And have fun!
Next time, clarify things better and don't assume. And I agree with someone else who pointed out that maybe you shouldn't have said anything anyway. Your daughter lives three hours away and you only see her a few days a year? Why is that? Get to the bottom of that question before you get all crunk about this particular vacation, which sounds pretty nice to me actually. If you keep it that way.
one of my favorite (self) saying is...I can be right …. but dead right...and in my more mature years RESTRAINT is a virtue learned and practiced
go on the four days.... enjoy yourself....don't ask about the following days or her plans that you wont be there..
appreciate what you have this isn't a perfect world.....
a mature wise person comfortable in their own skin...realizes …. you cannot control everything around you ...appreciate what you do have …. does no good to think negative thoughts.
time....is the one true gift we have not things...so enjoy your time....with her...
if you sense she had to compromise... and shes on edge..... be her best friend and thank her for the time you have with her..
life isn't meant to be perfect … we don't live in a perfect world...but we can hold our heads high and take the high road
humility is a virtue arrogance is a demon ...and sometimes pride can be
And amen to every bit of this.
I have four adult kids and frankly, I've never been invited, and it never occurred to me to be, on any of their family vacations, though my oldest daughter and I have discussed going to England together one day - one day probably far in the future, but who knows? It may happen, it may not, but that's OK.
I know that some other families do vacation together, but the only time we have vacationed with our adult kids is when they came to see us and we went somewhere together - that has happened, and we considered meeting them when they were on some big camping trip across several states once, and I'm sure they would have been fine with that but honestly, it just seemed like a big fat hassle so we never really put it together. We've gone to see THEM before, and done things as well, but what the OP is describing is different - her daughter and husband are going on a vacation to Hawaii and now she's going along as well. I'm not saying that's weird - I'm just saying that it's not the norm for all families for sure.
OP, I do think that your daughter probably got some push back from her husband about including you - and frankly, that's understandable, and she shouldn't have just assumed he'd be OK and invited you without talking with him first. She does sound torn - and she needs to learn how to navigate this sort of dynamic - it's not unusual, and she and her husband need to learn how to have these discussions before including you (or not including you) in their plans. Your presence is not a given, and I don't care if they go to Hawaii four times a year - it's their trip, their marriage, they can do that if they want.
I do hold your daughter responsible to some extent, but also you - because you agreed to pay for a ticket without nailing down the specifics first. As for the other stuff - how many times they go to Hawaii, her going ahead even after she told you they weren't going - that's all on her, and tied to her own issues. Don't make things worse. Just tell her that next time you'll make sure you know the specifics better - and then just go have fun.
Are you sure she invited you the first time or did you invite yourself?
Your daughter is presumably a grown woman with a significant other and she should not want to spend her entire vacation with her mom as a third wheel. That's just odd.
I can only stand my mom for 3 days, tops. She's invited herself places in the past. Lucky for me she is disabled and can't travel anymore so I am off the hook.
If you think you would have a good time there, go. If you're going to pout about it or hold a grudge, don't go. I'm sure she would prefer it if you were gracious about it. The plan your own vacation.
What I would do is this. Hawaii is lovely with multiple islands, a long way from anywhere. Spend the four days as invited with your daughter and SIL. Then add on a few days at your own expense perhaps on another island. Or at least far enough away that it does not appear you're hanging on.
Disentangling yourself from the plans of another or more to the point from being planned for is not always easy- particularly when they are the couple, and you the single. But it's important.
The added days on your own may not be what you would have chosen had you known. There will be an added expenses, not only for the hotel but perhaps a plane change-fee. But I would do it if at all possible both to make more pleasant the days with your daughter (reduce possible resentment) and as that needed statement of independence. It's a tactful but firm response. And might be a lot of fun!
Are you sure she invited you the first time or did you invite yourself?
Your daughter is presumably a grown woman with a significant other and she should not want to spend her entire vacation with her mom as a third wheel. That's just odd.
I can only stand my mom for 3 days, tops. She's invited herself places in the past. Lucky for me she is disabled and can't travel anymore so I am off the hook.
If you think you would have a good time there, go. If you're going to pout about it or hold a grudge, don't go. I'm sure she would prefer it if you were gracious about it. The plan your own vacation.
What an offensive post! Yep...I invited myself and now I am going to pout and hold a grudge because I was not invited for the entire trip. Usually I do not respond to these ridiculous post, but when.you actually state out loud that you are lucky your mom is disabled. Unbelievable!!
Don't mean to be hurtful to OP, but I was thinking the same thing. It doesn't seem like the daughter wants to spend much time with her, but couldn't totally rescind the invite so is making the best of it by at least getting some credit card points.
I was actually thinking the cc points was used as an excuse to control the plane tickets. If the OP booked the flight herself, she would have done the whole 11 days. But if the daughter did the booking, she would have more control over the timeline. CC points were just an easy way for her to book the tickets while still being reimbursed.
Quote:
Originally Posted by l.wilson
We did not discuss the exact timeline. The condo was reserved for 11 days. So one would assume that would be the timeline.
I can't imagine booking someone's plane ticket, and not making sure the itinerary was good for them. Even when I'm booking tickets for my SO and I, I double check that the flight times work for him.
"Should we take t6 pm6 pm flight home, and get back at midnight?" Or the 1 pm flight and get back at 7?"
"2-hour layover or 1-hour layover?"
Was she the one who told your stay would only be 4 days, or did you find out from the flight confirmation email?
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