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I am guessing that one of two things has happened: your family moved far away for a reason, and they meant never to have contact again, or, your cousin does not know how she feels about being contacted by you and she is taking her time about deciding whether to respond.
I've read some accounts of similar contacts between estranged family members, and I think I remember reading that it took awhile for member to respond. Remember, your letter came to her out of the blue. She was surely not expecting it.
And there is also this, she might not be at the address you found. People move.
There is nothing more you can do. You've done your best to find someone who perhaps did not want to be found. If she does, then eventually I think she will respond. If your letter even found its way to her.
If I received an emotional, 4-page handwritten letter, (followed by being stalked on Linked In) from a cousin I had no contact with since childhood I would be overwhelmed and my gut would tell me not to get involved.
Sometimes when we reach out to someone and they don't respond, we picture the other person carelessly tossing our letter in the trash, or sneering as they delete our text*. And that makes it even more hurtful. But the truth is often: the person sets the message aside because it hit them with a lot of emotions. They intend to respond, and they know it needs a really well-thought-out response. It needs to be treated with the proper time and attention, not just done in between errands. So they set it aside and say "I'm going to write him back, just as soon as I get past this job interview / pet going into surgery / child's birthday party / etc. I'm going to make it good!"
And then what happens? Time goes on, the person periodically sees the set-aside letter and thinks to themselves how they really need to craft a good response, and it gets set aside again. After a while they start to feel guilty about not responding, so they develop a blind spot towards it and willfully forget their intention to respond, because now it's bringing about feelings they're unable to handle.
All that is to say - often people intend to respond when someone else reaches out. And sometimes it becomes too much to tackle, despite best intentions. Whether or not this is what's happening with your cousin, it might be gentler on you to picture it that way. Maybe it brought up painful memories from that time that you didn't know about and had nothing to do with. Just try not to see it as a personal rejection, if possible.
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This is an excellent response. I have actually done this myself and been very sorry I did. I received a letter from a distant distant relative just after my mother died. It brought up so many emotions in me that I put it aside, meaning to write when I was more in control. Years went by - YEARS - and I still meant to write. But I didn't. No reason, I just didn't. Now, after a move, I have lost the letter and don't know how to contact this person, or even what her name was. I feel very bad about this.
Most of my family were professional hard working people, except my mother who was an only child and expected others to support her after grandpa passed on. I didn't understand until later in life how the rest of the family viewed that leach but I found that I was treated as if I were her. What is that saying about the sins of the father visiting the son? Growing up, I didn't understand why my brother and I felt like outcasts within the family but I was never able to turn the others around to see that I was not her, we never begged and always worked hard to become professionals as grandpa had instructed.
What you did, in their perception, may actually have nothing to do with you. Or, they just might have needed to break family ties when you didn't feel the need.
Be like a flower and just accept what comes your way.
My Father's first daughter (Half sister) once wrote to the three of us. I don't believe any of us responded. Why? Just didn't care to get to know her.... I suspect this goes for those you contacted....They just aren't interested.
I had a great-aunt and great-uncle on my father's side. I spent many days and some nights at their house. Being a kid, I never thought to question this or how it came to be. We just showed up there, then my mother left without me. But yeah, I was very fond of them both and I believe they were fond of me, too. My (great) uncle was a real character who had married his brother's widow. He was always making deals, looking for bargains for his store. My aunt was much older.
So eventually I went off to college and from there moved back East for a time. Once when I was back in my hometown, I decided to go see my uncle. My aunt had passed and he had remarried.
I'll spare you the painful details -- I wasn't welcomed.
I've had time to think about this. I think there are people who just like having a kid around, and when they encounter the fully-formed adult in later years, they can't connect the two. Their visceral reaction is "I don't know this person."
You remember your relatives clearly and with affection but to your cousin, you may just be a distant and indistinct memory. Or perhaps not even that.
I think as we get older, we want to find some connection with the past. The happier moments when we were children, that make us smile as adults. Tall tales adults told us, sort of like the story books they read us at bedtime... Nostalgic moments indeed.
Perhaps the characters we remember were not really who we thought they were to begin with. Our childish minds had assembled them into something they are not, but that does not stop that one perfect memory that we keep.
I would respond to any letter sent me from the past. But we are all different in our childhood experiences.
*We can choose to see the cup half full, or half empty...it will impact how we look at our life and the experiences we have over the course of this short journey.
Last edited by TerraDown; 10-10-2019 at 11:50 AM..
If I received an emotional, 4-page handwritten letter, (followed by being stalked on Linked In) from a cousin I had no contact with since childhood I would be overwhelmed and my gut would tell me not to get involved.
What exactly are you expecting from this woman?
OP sounds like my chronically 'nice' father, RIP. Far from a saint, but a good fella. He had a difficult time with (some) indifference and similar human behavior, especially among his pals.
He had a pal of 20 years, whom I remember as member of a great family from my childhood, dump him over a $2K loan. The friend decided their friendship was worth exactly that, I figured. My dad tried to get in touch, nothing doing. It vexed him oh, maybe 10 years before he passed. A hand-written marker was in my dad's effects, reminding me of it. I kept it. I thought about finding the guy and selling the marker to some other guys who would collect, but why? I thought the lesson in human behavior was worth about $2K: sometimes people decide their self-interest as they go, and when they're done, they're done.
I do plenty of this, probably ten or so former pals or acquaintances across my lifetime so far who are dead to me. I could not care less. Dunno what they feel about it. Who cares?
Yeah, if I got a four page 'letter' (didn't know anyone bothered to do this anymore) I'd have thrown it in the bin and walked off. Then double-checked the locks on my doors in case some stalker broke in, an outside but non-zero chance event given that kind of stalker behavior. Yet another horror of social media: can't easy live your own life without some ghost from the past who is unwanted tracking you down. Gee, that's ALL I (don't) need....
My dad didn't get it, OP sure won't: that people mentally shrug and say "who cares?" is alien to them. Can't be helped. Just walk off, they're dead to you.
I myself would take a look at social media just to see if I could see if the other person was doing okay. I would try not to dwell on it though and hopefully eventually move on.
Last edited by petsandgardens; 10-10-2019 at 03:35 PM..
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and been very sorry I did. I received a letter from a distant distant relative just after my mother died. It brought up so many emotions in me that I put it aside, meaning to write when I was more in control. Years went by - YEARS - and I still meant to write. But I didn't. No reason, I just didn't. Now, after a move, I have lost the letter and don't know how to contact this person, or even what her name was. I feel very bad about this.
