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OP, I see by your user name, you are Huong...correct? Do you think, maybe, there might be a Huong culture center, so to speak, that maybe your mom could spend time with?
I'm kind of wondering if she could spend time with 'her peeps', she might develop more self-confidence, and maybe over time, not feel so afraid and dependent on her family, and ultimately be a happier person.
I'm guessing the language barrier intimidates her a lot, right?
The issue here is that I dont mind taking care of my mom, but I dont want to bare the sole responsibility of doing everything for her, while she turns around enables my sister. My sister could literally be driving home from work and passing by a grocery store, and my mom would call me and ask if I could get her some eggs. It causes bitterness, and I would expect it to cause bitterness for the average person if they are being treated unfairly. I swear this wouldnt be an issue at all if the responsibilities are being shared evenly amongst us.
Practice saying this: "I'm sorry but I can't help you with that today". Don't give her a reason, just repeat it until she gets it. Or how about sitting down with her and having a talk with her and telling her some of what you told us here? Another option - quit answering her phone calls.
This is where you have to skip the "Mom" thing and look at her as an acquaintance, not your mom, and not someone you owe something to. I had an aunt who was obsessed with tending her mother. To the point that her (total dreamboat) husband finally had enuff, left her, and the rest of her life was a total disaster. I suspect you may be in that boat. She also had an alcoholic sib that mama catered to while he lay sacked out on the couch.
It's a big country. If at all possible, move - far away. Just a thought. Any port in the storm. May take some planning - so don't just blow the idea off. I presume you're young enough to be able to salvage part of your life. Good luck.
OP, I see in your other post that you were offered a lot of good advices that are still applicable to the current situation. It's okay to pull back and do these things when it's more convenient for you to do... If you want to.
Kinda O/T but relating to the old post... The mentioned phantom "belly pain" makes me wonder if it's actually anxiety stress she's not addressing. Either way, she should not be making the rest of the family jump through the hoops. You need to come up with a plan of action and start drawing up boundaries. Only you can enforce this. It's time to stop feeling guilty and angry.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sassybluesy
OP, I see by your user name, you are Huong...correct? Do you think, maybe, there might be a Huong culture center, so to speak, that maybe your mom could spend time with?
I'm kind of wondering if she could spend time with 'her peeps', she might develop more self-confidence, and maybe over time, not feel so afraid and dependent on her family, and ultimately be a happier person.
I'm guessing the language barrier intimidates her a lot, right?
Huong is a Vietnamese girls name. Are you thinking of Hmong?
You just need to pick and choose what you want to do for her. She's living with people; theres no reason in the world to have to go there to read something.This issue should have been taken care of a long time ago, but you wont do it. She wont do it, its up to you. How do you communicate with her? Do you answer every time she calls? Do you jump to do things when she asks? I dont think it takes a genius to realize if what she is asking is important. When she goes out of the country and needs something from you, thats not an unreasonable request. If she's asking something that can be taken care of with public transportation or your other sister, then thats unreasonable. But its entirely up to you where you want to draw the line.
OP, I see in your other post that you were offered a lot of good advices that are still applicable to the current situation. It's okay to pull back and do these things when it's more convenient for you to do... If you want to.
Kinda O/T but relating to the old post... The mentioned phantom "belly pain" makes me wonder if it's actually anxiety stress she's not addressing. Either way, she should not be making the rest of the family jump through the hoops. You need to come up with a plan of action and start drawing up boundaries. Only you can enforce this. It's time to stop feeling guilty and angry.
Huong is a Vietnamese girls name. Are you thinking of Hmong?
Yes, that IS what I was thinking of. Thanks Inkpoe.
This may be long, so bare with me. I need to add a backstory that leads up to why I am so fed up with my mom. My mom is turning 69 this year. All her life, she has been dependent on everyone around her, particularly my dad. She never learned how to drive, never worked a job in her life, she just gives off a negative vibe to everyone around her. My dad passed away 13 years ago, and all hell broke loose. We all agreed that we will try our best to help her whether it be transportation, running errands, doctor's visits etc. It did work out the first year or so, and I personally drove 40 minutes each way to take her to her doctor's visits, emergency room visits etc. I was totally ok with it until I realized that she was taking advantage of the healthcare system by going to the ER once a week for a sniffle or a cough. A stomachache would always result to her going to ER, followed up by a visit with her family doctor. Each time, she would insist that there must be something seriously wrong with her, she must have stomach cancer, but they ran all possible tests and everything came back negative. Obviously, if she does have stomach cancer, she must have hit the jackpot because its been 13 years and she's still alive. She has always been a medicaid/medicare recipient, so I feel like its never an issue for her to go to the hospital so frequently.
After many years of being taken advantage of, I finally got fed up, especially now with 3 kids of my own. There's 3 of us, but she is constantly asking me to do stuff for her. Refill her meds when she travels out of the country, withdraw her money from her bank account when she travels. I stopped offering rides to the doctors visits as well as running errands due to my work schedule, so the burden has been reduced drastically. She has resorted to taking public transportation. In the beginning, I felt really bad for not being able to help her as much but then I found out that all the responsibilities are being placed on my shoulders alone. She lives with one of my sisters, babysits her 5 kids free of charge, does their housekeeping, helps her pay the rent but never asks her for help. Its always me. She runs out of food, who does she call? Me. Need to run errands? Me. Meanwhile, my sister and her her husband barely works. They are alcoholics, gets drunk and stays home from work after late night drinking and suffering from hangovers. I am pissed, because my mom enables their behavior by tending to them hand and foot. She washes their dishes, watches their kids, so they have more time to get drunk. One time, she made me drive down to her house to read some letters that she couldnt understand and my sister was laying on the couch idly doing nothing. My sister can read perfect English yet, instead of asking my sister for help, she made me drive to her. Im at this phase where I am starting to throw a tantrum whenever she asks me for help, asking why always me, not her (my sister)? She always comes up with an excuse that she doesnt trust my sister. She does so much for my sister and I have never asked her for help with anything, yet she is always bugging me. Why cant she utilize my sister more? I wouldnt mind it as much if we took turns helping, but its always me, giving me a sense that I am being taken advantage of. I am really considering moving far away to escape her but I love living in Oregon. I dont know what to do. I am just so frustrated. Talking to my mom is useless, because she always has excuses. She makes me hate my life.
If you are starting to hate your life you have to make a drastic change - figure out your boundaries with your mother and stick to them.
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