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I definitely know that I WILL need help in my senior years, but honestly I have been telling my husband that once I hit 65, I prefer to go to a senior living home and my kids can just visit me. The last thing I would want is to burden my kids and interfering with their lives. I dont know thats just me, I've always been super independent. My mom, refuses to use uber. She says riding in a car with a stranger causes her anxiety that they will kidnap her or do something bad to her. So, public transportation it is. She would never order anything from meals on wheels, she only eats Vietnamese food, and it has to be home cooked at that. Its frustrating because she doesnt trust outsiders. She wouldnt even qualify for the in home care support anyway because she is well enough to do everything on her own.
She may need help, but much more of it should be coming from those moochers who live with her. And it
8sounds like she could handle a lot more for herself anyway rather than asking you. We're 89 and 71 and we use uber all the time for dr. visits etc.
Practice saying this: "I'm sorry but I can't help you with that today". Don't give her a reason, just repeat it until she gets it. Or how about sitting down with her and having a talk with her and telling her some of what you told us here? Another option - quit answering her phone calls.
Exactly! She's only 69, so chances are she may have a good many years left. "Sorry, mom, we don't go to the store for one item. I'll put eggs on the list and get 2 cartons next trip to the store." Chiluvr1228 is spot on right!
She finally left the country and is back to our home country until March. So much stress lifted off our shoulders. I called one of my uncles and asked how she's doing because I want to get someone's else honest perspective and he says she's doing fine. She's only been there a week and he says she's been going around selling the things that she brought back from here and making profit from it. She got stuff from dollar tree and marked up the price by ten times. I am happy that she's making extra pocket money but its funny how she can go back there and have a blast and come back here and start whining. I guess there's no point in updating this post anymore. I'll do what I can. I am just so tired with work, kids, managing my own family when my mom is totally capable of taking care of herself. Its so draining. She's 69 not 89. I wouldnt be posting this if she was much older and actually needed help.
She finally left the country and is back to our home country until March. So much stress lifted off our shoulders. I called one of my uncles and asked how she's doing because I want to get someone's else honest perspective and he says she's doing fine. She's only been there a week and he says she's been going around selling the things that she brought back from here and making profit from it. She got stuff from dollar tree and marked up the price by ten times. I am happy that she's making extra pocket money but its funny how she can go back there and have a blast and come back here and start whining. I guess there's no point in updating this post anymore. I'll do what I can. I am just so tired with work, kids, managing my own family when my mom is totally capable of taking care of herself. Its so draining. She's 69 not 89. I wouldnt be posting this if she was much older and actually needed help.
Thank you for this update, OP. It seems kine of sad; maybe this came as a bit of a shock. I hope you don't let your mom run you ragged anymore. Like you said, she's perfectly able to take care of herself. She sounds like a user. Maybe it's time she learn how to drive?
I'm surprised people "back home" can afford to pay 10 times the price for Dollar Tree items; you all must be from one of those "tiger economy" countries.
Take care of yourself and your own family, OP. Best wishes.
OP, you don't have to move anywhere when you like to live where you are. Set boundary. Learn to say NO and do not feel guilty about it. Whenever she comes back, be straightforward with her. If she gives tantrums, cries, whines, tell her that you've been helping her so much already, you feel exhausted now. Everybody has to take care of herself, has to be responsible for her own life. She won't die without your help. Tell her that if she cannot take care of herself, she can go to a long-term care centre. And you can visit her every few days or every week - good children do that.
I agree with you that someday when I cannot take care of myself, I will go to a long-term care centre. I don't want to put burdens on my children.
There are doctors, nurses, care aides, OTs, PTs, RTs, dieticians, social workers, even mental health specialist to help with about anything. The food is sufficient. You can have three main meals and two snacks after lunch and supper everyday. If your children are nice, they can bring in some special food that you like. You can join so many programs and do exercise daily if you like. What else do you expect?
Last edited by AnOrdinaryCitizen; 12-12-2019 at 07:39 PM..
OP, you don't have to move anywhere when you like to live where you are. Set boundary. Learn to say NO and do not feel guilty about it. Whenever she comes back, be straightforward with her. If she gives tantrums, cries, whines, tell her that you've been helping her so much already, you feel exhausted now. Everybody has to take care of herself, has to be responsible for her own life. She won't die without your help. Tell her that if she cannot take care of herself, she can go to a long-term care centre. And you can visit her every few days or every week - good children do that.
I agree with you that someday when I cannot take care of myself, I will go to a long-term care centre. I don't want to put burdens on my children.
There are doctors, nurses, care aides, OTs, PTs, RTs, dieticians, social workers, even mental health specialist to help with about anything. The food is sufficient. You can have three main meals and two snacks after lunch and supper everyday. If your children are nice, they can bring in some special food that you like. You can join so many programs and do exercise daily if you like. What else do you expect?
Good idea. Also, the OP has her own family to take care of. This raises the question in my mind: what about her sister, who's living with the mother? Does sis have kids to look after, as well? Are all of them living in the same house with mom? If the OP is the only one with a husband and kids to look after, that could be reason enough to back away from the over-involvement with Mom. If she alls to demand a trip to the grocery store, the OP only needs to say, "I'm on my way out to pick up one of the kids at their after-school program, and then I have to take them to (ballet, tutoring, fill in any activity here)" or, "I can't; I have a doctor's appointment, and I don't know when I'll be done. It's always a long wait."
But better yet to simply tell Mom she's no longer available for errands, only a visit once/week or twice/month.
She may need help, but much more of it should be coming from those moochers who live with her. And it
8sounds like she could handle a lot more for herself anyway rather than asking you. We're 89 and 71 and we use uber all the time for dr. visits etc.
Not to mention delivery for groceries and scripts. Scripts are delivered free through walmart.com I found out.
She finally left the country and is back to our home country until March. So much stress lifted off our shoulders. I called one of my uncles and asked how she's doing because I want to get someone's else honest perspective and he says she's doing fine. She's only been there a week and he says she's been going around selling the things that she brought back from here and making profit from it. She got stuff from dollar tree and marked up the price by ten times. I am happy that she's making extra pocket money but its funny how she can go back there and have a blast and come back here and start whining. I guess there's no point in updating this post anymore. I'll do what I can. I am just so tired with work, kids, managing my own family when my mom is totally capable of taking care of herself. Its so draining. She's 69 not 89. I wouldnt be posting this if she was much older and actually needed help.
Oh gosh. I hope you pare down the help. She doesn't even need most of it!
Good idea. Also, the OP has her own family to take care of. This raises the question in my mind: what about her sister, who's living with the mother? Does sis have kids to look after, as well? Are all of them living in the same house with mom? If the OP is the only one with a husband and kids to look after, that could be reason enough to back away from the over-involvement with Mom. If she alls to demand a trip to the grocery store, the OP only needs to say, "I'm on my way out to pick up one of the kids at their after-school program, and then I have to take them to (ballet, tutoring, fill in any activity here)" or, "I can't; I have a doctor's appointment, and I don't know when I'll be done. It's always a long wait."
But better yet to simply tell Mom she's no longer available for errands, only a visit once/week or twice/month.
The OP says in the first post that the mom watches after the sis’ kids.
The reason why there’s an over-involvement with mom now is because the OP is an easy, fast YES person (likely the sister is an aggravated no person)— OP just does whatever her mom asks, even when she doesn’t want to. The other thread that a PP linked from almost 5 years ago (post #36) just shows that the OP hasn’t set her parameters and I don’t know if she ever will. If she thinks caretaking is bad now, I don’t know how she’s going to handle down the road at all. Prognosis isn’t looking too good especially since the OP is already now angry and admittedly bitter about having to do anything all by herself.
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