Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
He overreacted because he felt embarrassed. While he shouldn't have felt that way, he did.
You did nothing wrong when it comes to etiquette, but you've admitted that you're only an acquaintance with the wife and he's good friends with the husband. It would have been courteous to discuss the change in spending prior to the holiday so your husband wasn't caught off guard - or had the opportunity to ask you to spend more.
Communication!
true. i havent thought of that. I did make an assumption that the spending for everyone will be less this year and that he would already know (and he does) but I could/should have specifically told him too.
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626
I agree.
IMHO, that is wrong. I have very close friends who have several million dollars in savings/stocks/CDs/etc. and both receive huge pensions and SS checks each month. Often they are extremely generous to me and others. There is absolutely no way, as a retiree with a fairly low monthly income and virtually no savings, that I can reciprocate equally financially but I do it in other thoughtful and considerate ways. They are happy, I'm happy. Win-win.
Good point. spending financially cannot really the only way to show you care.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BoSox 15
I find it odd that "family friends" are spending $100 on each kid. That's more than I gifted to my nieces and nephews, my own flesh and blood.
This is not what Christmas (or any holiday) is about.
I would say skip the gifts altogether and spend the money on a nice dinner among the 2 families.
yes. this bothered me for years. I spend more on these 2 girls than my own nephews. In a way the fault is mine too. I went along with it for years before putting a stop to it.
they are far more richer and dont have a mortgage though. His parents baby-sit and so, they dont spend on before/after school care either.
I can see the other side of it too. The people with more to spend don't want to feel like they are being taken advantage of. If you let them know beforehand that your gifts this year won't simulate what things are like the prior year, I think that is better.
I feel like it can be a cop out when you don't say anything and just simply bring something in significantly cheaper. If you don't know, assume you are in a tit-for-tat kind of situation to keep the peace. If you tell them beforehand and those "friends" still get upset, then you know that they definitely aren't "friends".
In some cultures, there's an invisible expectation to give tit-for-tat and if you don't it's considered shameful among some.
Everyone has different expectations and vibes. If you can't figure out what those are, it's always better to ask beforehand to minimize offending anyone.
If you feel like overall, you've offended and want to rectify this, ask them to give something significantly cheaper for your kids than you plan to the following year/gift occasion. If they aren't okay with something like that, and if they decide not to hang with you because of it, then they are definitely terrible friends and maybe it's good to just stop the gift giving altogether.
A big difference between me and many other posters I've run into on here is that I tend to be more of a tit-for-tat kind of guy and others not so much. It might be easier for them to say that though if they are always on the significantly greater end of receiving too (human nature). I can't say for any individual poster of course.
You know...presents are nice. Who doesn't like getting presents? But I'm at a point in life, that I wouldn't be sad if I never got another materialistic gift. (I won't turn one down mind you...but I can be content without.)
Could be, that this friend doesn't consider $100 to be all that expensive. To her, $100 is the equivalent of $20 to me. And $5.00 to me is the equivalent of $20 to my mom, who's 84 yrs old, and on a fixed income. In other words, wealth is a relative thing.
I tend to spend more on Christmas gifts than my siblings do. But my outlook is...we have a higher income, and we can afford it. Who the heck knows...next year circumstances might be different, and generosity might have to be somewhat checked...but this year, we've got it and we share it.
The disparity between the prices of the gifts might not even really register for this lady. Sounds like (to me) that she assumes that you're all on the same income plane. Maybe next time the "gift talk" comes up, you need to take the bull by the horn, and say something like, Hey Mary, it's that time of year again. What do you think your girls would like in the $20 to $40 range?
He Is basically saying that their approval is more important to him than his own family's.
I remember your other threads about him though, so I know this is a losing battle. You did nothing wrong here.
OP, This is basically it. It is sad. Looks like even though your own family income is less he wants to compete with his buddy who looks like makes more money. And the buddy lets that happen too. Personally, I believe a sick and inappropriate and unnecessary relationship he's got going on there with his friend..and maybe the way he perceives himself and the rest of the world.
If he's overspending maybe he's the reason there was less money for gifts. Just a sad thing.
Right! Thank you! Sometimes I feel so jittery around the lady. If you ask me to pin point exactly why, i cant say. But for everything i say, she has something better to say. I could keep an acquaintance with her as my hubby is good friends with her hubby but cannot be friends with her. He is saying, maybe next year we will cut down on our own presents to our family and make sure their generosity is reciprocated. I simply dont see the need for it. Am i being crazy?!! He thinks its improper not be on the same page when they are being so generous.
I'd suggest a calm conversation now that the holidays are over because the bolded is ridiculous.
I get that his pride was injured but you don't put your ego or your buddy before family.
Could be, that this friend doesn't consider $100 to be all that expensive. To her, $100 is the equivalent of $20 to me. And $5.00 to me is the equivalent of $20 to my mom, who's 84 yrs old, and on a fixed income. In other words, wealth is a relative thing.
they are far more richer and dont have a mortgage though. His parents baby-sit and so, they dont spend on before/after school care either.
These details don't really change anything about the original issue; your sense that gift giving isn't "equal", its over the top, and makes you uncomfortable. They happen to have more money available. The why doesn't matter. Don't get sidetracked into endless justifications/rationalizations about their money versus your money. Solve the problem.
Let the kids draw names, if there is an equal number. Agree on a dollar ceiling. If the kid gets a voice in choosing the gift, he or she will enjoy giving, as well as receiving.
IMO, you should never have started this tradition. Presents from Santa and from relatives should be enough for any kid.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
