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We have this one particular family friend with young girls, 8 years and 10 years. We have known them for over 5 years now. Very sweet people but around Christmas, they go over and above my budget.
For 5 years now, I have been asking them what the kids want for Christmas and I get really expensive suggestions on what they may like.. (example: a Pandora bracelet or an American Girl doll with xyz accessories etc). I would be looking at $80 to $100 per girl and with taxes, I am looking at a good $225.
BUT, they also give my kids equally expensive gifts. For example, if I say my son likes Thomas the Train (and specify just One train), they wouldn't give 1 train. He would get like 10 of them adding up to $100.
This year though, we had too many expenses and I didnt even ask them what the kids want (and she didnt ask me either) and gave them presents worth $40 each.
Lo and behold on Christmas day when my kids opened their presents, it was at least $100 + each. Hubby got mad at me that we only got $40 presents. I kept telling him, just because they can afford it, we cant too and that maybe we will make it up somehow....he thinks we missed the ball this time and screwed up and that we knew they would go overboard and yet "I" bought only small gifts. Kids of course dont know and dont care.
What is the proper etiquette in circumstances like this? I feel really bad thinking if I indeed messed up. I really couldnt afford it this year.
The only thing you are messing up is listening to your husband. Get what you can afford. Gift giving isn't about tit for tat.
Isn't the point of a gift that it be something the person would want? Regardless of amount spent - OP you are adding up $$$ like it's a contest - that is NOT supposed to be the point of giving a gift.
Next year, tell them in November, let's make a budget for the kids presents and see what they say.
Even better, can you suggest that you don't give gifts to each others' kids? Are they family or your best friends or something that you do this in the first place?
kids get to a certain age and its so difficult to buy ….
next yr ...I would have the women talk and agree on 50.00 gift cards... if at all
if you feel you didn't do enough …. don't apologize.... if it really bothers you … ive told family members I didn't get my xmas bonus as I usually do so its a lean yr...they understand...
in the big picture of what xmas is suppose to be about...…. here's something to consider...since you both have kids...… have the kids make a future "gift certificate" with no cash value but of good deeds done...like washing their car....raking/mowing the lawn/ or two hours of odd jobs around the house.. we did this one year and their kid helped me stack wood it was awesome and its kinda fun ….working with the kids making the "gifts" and what they can do ..
Only the adults know the monetary value of gifts. Younger children only see the gift. You don't need to feel guilty for not spending as much as the other parents did.
If they can afford expensive gifts for your children, that's fine. Let them.
If this couple doesn't realize that you aren't being cheap, but just can't afford spending the same amount, they aren't good friends.
Right! Thank you! Sometimes I feel so jittery around the lady. If you ask me to pin point exactly why, i cant say. But for everything i say, she has something better to say. I could keep an acquaintance with her as my hubby is good friends with her hubby but cannot be friends with her.
He is saying, maybe next year we will cut down on our own presents to our family and make sure their generosity is reciprocated. I simply dont see the need for it. Am i being crazy?!! He thinks its improper not be on the same page when they are being so generous.
tell him to get a part time gig and pay for the gifts -
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I may be alone in saying yes, you blew it as far as gift etiquette.
It's absolutely fine to decide the gift giving is beyond what you would like to spend, and telling them ahead. Absolutely no harm whatsoever in that, and I agree, that dollar amount is more than I'd spend on kids who are not family.
You planned this, ahead of time, and didn't inform your husband that you would be giving his friend's children less than half the value that you knew they would be giving your children, with no warning whatsoever until the exchange.
That actually seems like a hostile act to me. To your husband, to his friend and his friend's children.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gouligann
Only the adults know the monetary value of gifts. Younger children only see the gift. You don't need to feel guilty for not spending as much as the other parents did.
If they can afford expensive gifts for your children, that's fine. Let them.
If this couple doesn't realize that you aren't being cheap, but just can't afford spending the same amount, they aren't good friends.
That's a different thing, if a family has fallen on financial difficulty, and everyone gets that.
It still would merit a warning ahead of time, "we're cutting our holiday gift budget this year and plan to keep the kid's gifts to about a $40 limit".
They've been spending the same amount as the friends for years, and this came out of the blue with no communication.
There are a lot of points made about the true idea of gift giving.
OP, you need to make a decision if this/these friendship(s) are worth salvaging but also keeping your sanity intact.
You know the situations and feelings better than any of us on here.
If the friendship is worth salvaging, offer something like I suggested earlier about a more "tit for tat" idea.
If not, then just stop gift giving altogether and make that very clear. Just hang out. It's worth having an in-person conversation with the people in the group, maybe 1-1 if possible as whomever is involved. If they aren't okay with with either you stopping the gift giving with them or are okay with only you giving another gift where your children don't get a gift back because of tit for tat, then definitely leave the friendship. You should be able to at least hang out with them as a fellow adult friend and just you personally "go dutch" on everything you guys spend your money on.
I don't think there is one wrong way to go about this. Whatever your decision is though, your friends deserve to know your thoughts and intentions. They can either agree or disagree. For you just to be able to have this conversation is a "test" of your true friendship with the other people.
I find it odd that "family friends" are spending $100 on each kid. That's more than I gifted to my nieces and nephews, my own flesh and blood..
No wonder people go broke or in debt around christmas.
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