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I see a huge difference between people with kids and not, more than being coupled or not. I had a lot of friend before their kid days. Nothing like getting a call 20 years later, when the younger kid is finishing high school, and they want to catch up. Now, I know that being a parent/family is very engaging and crowded and all, but an occasional hello over the years could go a long way. I have no interest in talking to someone who has me frozen in time as we were some 20 years ago.
Agree. I have no kids and no family, so I am an outsider in a part of the country where seemingly everyone is married AND only interested in being friends with others who are from here and have the same narrow views as them. OP, I emailed you directly to relate because I routinely get booted from posting for no real reason, but I digress. No more digressing as my every move on here is being watched like in a communist country or something.
I had great friends throughout my 20's and 30's. Post divorce, 90% went away. Add a cross country move to that and I'm on an island socially. Its no fun.
I have been fortunate (and proactive) in moving to a small progressive community with a lot of older people here (since they usually had to make their money elsewhere). Grown children, if any, distant grandchildren. I think there's a lively bunch of family-oriented people/couples (often with a construction husband or a web developer working from home). Plenty of activities for both groups.
I actually made a new friend who we've really clicked. We were both waiting in line for a table at the True Grit Cafe, her with her family and me alone (she said she worried about my politics because I was wearing new cowboy boots- I had to tell her I was breaking them in and they don't affect my vote). She lives some 70 miles away but is very willing to drive up here for views, Ute Museum events and so on. It's unlikely to make new close friends later in life and I appreciate her and her views.
Then, I am mostly about words, written and conversation. Don't much care if you bungee jump or ski or whatever. I've been able to stay in touch with East Coast friends that way, in a way I couldn't when I was living in the congested humid East. I think, I know that this community is rather unusual and I'm grateful for it. I reach out a lot to people in the local online groups or lecture series, etc. Life of the mind with great views.
Once I started having children, I really didn't have time to go out with friends without the rest of the family. My friends were other parents who were attending the same activities and sports events that we were. I still kept my friends from the home town and other places we moved.
Fast forward 25-30 years, we're in a new town, still working, having grandkids. We still aren't people who "go out" with friends. Our friends are people we see every week at church, at work, or when we volunteer. They are people we experience and enjoy life with. But we don't make separate plans to go out to eat or drink with our friends. I know some people do.
So I guess in our situation, we have looked for things to do and made friends there, versus looking for friends to do things with.
I hear you OP. I actually had a small group of friends that I made through college, and then meeting other moms at my daughter's schoool. I would get together with these friends every few months. Granted I would have to be the one to organize and make all of the plans, but if I put in the work usually I'd be able to get out with a friend or two and that was nice.
Then we moved to a whole new state a thousand miles away. Things are different here, parents are not as present at picks ups and drop offs, because all the kids here ride the bus. They are also not into volunteering here like the parents were back home. So really just less opportunity to make those connections like before, and my kids are older now so the parents just drop their kid off and drive away, instead of coming inside to meet the parents.
So I thought I'll throw myself out there and get involved in other ways. I joined a book club, wonderful ladies, all in retirement. I joined the FFA Alumni, ended up working my tail off for no money, after a year of it I kindly excused myself, I thought I had made friends there, but once I removed myself from the Alumni, it is clear I didn't make friends after all.
I'm lucky that I did keep two great friendships from my old state, but it's not the same when I can only see them once a year. We text or chat on the phone a few times a year, better than nothing, I just miss seeing them in person.
I can't find the same kind of connection out here. It doesn't help that I'm not religious and the majority of people here are LDS. They have their Church friends they don't need to add me to their circle of friends. I'm trying to break into friend groups that are already well established and they're not looking to add more friends.
It kind of sucks. I also took a cake decorating class in hopes of meeting more people, but again while I enjoyed the class and chatted with the other women, no connections were made.
I’m 45. I used to have a lot of friends but in recent years they have dwindled down. Some passed away young. Some just stopped contacting or responding to me because of different political views or they didn’t like a comment my husband made on FB. Some new friends or reconnected friends who seemed to like us but then made every excuse not to hang out with us. Or fair weather friends who act as if they are your best friend and want to hang out all the time for a few months but then get weird and post “miss you!†“We have to get together soon!†But when you ask them for plans they have an excuse or cancel last minute. Then the cycle starts over again after a year where they want to hang out again and then get weird. It’s so disheartening. I’m afraid to try to make new friends because people always run so hot and cold. People seem to have such a good time with us or me but the this always seems to happen. I know people are busy with their lives and kids so after several times of being rejected for plans I just say let me know when you are free and then I don’t hear from them. I have only 2 good friends now. Sisters who I grew up with. But they have kids and a lot of other friends so they aren’t always available. And then one other friend from HS who’s husband is now friends with my husband who are available maybe only twice a year because of their kids and his job. My husband has no other friends and doesn’t want any. But it depresses me.
Not sure what you mean by "when you ask them for plans." If you want to get together, you pick up the telephone and say, "Did you read about that new place downtown that is supposed to have the best brunch? Would you be interested in trying it next Sunday?"
Or, obviously, just give a dinner party. Invite people - demand RSVPs - and see what happens. Or start planning an Easter party, and invite the parents to bring the kids.
It’s interesting and fun to get out of the house in the morning and visit with other seniors at McD’s talking over a senior cup of coffee a few times a week. Some of the groups I’ve seen of seniors at cafes bring board games or a deck of cards and spend time together.
Your only investment in making friends with others is get out of the house to find them. Not everyone you meet will be someone you want to continue with however you can always avoid going back to the same place same time and try a different location.
We have expat "friends" where we retired but I feel they are convenience more than anything. Being in the same condo complex. We will meet by the pool for happy hour or go out together but nothing one on one.
I'm friendly and a good listener but never had the kind of friendships I read about in books or see on tv. As an adult.
I thought I had that with a friend and I got her a job where I worked and nine years later she threw me under the bus at work.
Nothing but superficial friends from now on. Sometimes I wish for a heart to heart but it's not worth it, even if it was out there
I see a huge difference between people with kids and not, more than being coupled or not. I had a lot of friend before their kid days. Nothing like getting a call 20 years later, when the younger kid is finishing high school, and they want to catch up. Now, I know that being a parent/family is very engaging and crowded and all, but an occasional hello over the years could go a long way. I have no interest in talking to someone who has me frozen in time as we were some 20 years ago.
Longer term couplings (5+ years) often result in kids.
Since I'm only in my mid-30s, I've never gotten a random call, email, or text message from some friend from 20 years ago. I've had times where I didn't talk to some past friends for 2-5 years and then suddenly they re-emerge or I re-emerge.
Jennifer- I have somewhat the opposite problem.
I have a group of friends whom I have known since childhood. Around college, I started to realize they were not the type I wanted to be real close with anymore, and started to make other friends. Of the "new friends" only one has "stuck" over the years, and then our paths started to separate in such a way that I don't feel like she is real healthy for my spiritual growth either. None of these ladies are murderers or anything horrific, but just the kind of people I would not normally associate with if I had met them as an older person who could more intelligently choose.
I posted a while back about feeling "stuck" with them, and got roasted pretty badly on some responses. I have moved away twice, and tried to step out into new friendships, and then I feel like you described when trying to get together with people. So, not wanting to do everything alone, I end up with this group of ladies again, and end up eye-rolling inside my head after (ok, sometimes DURING- LOL) each get-together. I am upset with myself that I haven't made new friends - have I tried hard enough? But reading your posts, well, I could have written it myself.
Perhaps the world is now meant to be lived sans-friends? I don't know.....
Jennifer- I have somewhat the opposite problem.
I have a group of friends whom I have known since childhood. Around college, I started to realize they were not the type I wanted to be real close with anymore, and started to make other friends. Of the "new friends" only one has "stuck" over the years, and then our paths started to separate in such a way that I don't feel like she is real healthy for my spiritual growth either. None of these ladies are murderers or anything horrific, but just the kind of people I would not normally associate with if I had met them as an older person who could more intelligently choose.
I posted a while back about feeling "stuck" with them, and got roasted pretty badly on some responses. I have moved away twice, and tried to step out into new friendships, and then I feel like you described when trying to get together with people. So, not wanting to do everything alone, I end up with this group of ladies again, and end up eye-rolling inside my head after (ok, sometimes DURING- LOL) each get-together. I am upset with myself that I haven't made new friends - have I tried hard enough? But reading your posts, well, I could have written it myself.
Perhaps the world is now meant to be lived sans-friends? I don't know.....
I'm just glad I'm not the only one who sees this inexplicable cultural shift away from real friendships. I've finally accepted just being lonely and having to find new hobbies since people don't value friendships anymore.
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