Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Jennifer- I have somewhat the opposite problem.
I have a group of friends whom I have known since childhood. Around college, I started to realize they were not the type I wanted to be real close with anymore, and started to make other friends. Of the "new friends" only one has "stuck" over the years, and then our paths started to separate in such a way that I don't feel like she is real healthy for my spiritual growth either. None of these ladies are murderers or anything horrific, but just the kind of people I would not normally associate with if I had met them as an older person who could more intelligently choose.
I posted a while back about feeling "stuck" with them, and got roasted pretty badly on some responses. I have moved away twice, and tried to step out into new friendships, and then I feel like you described when trying to get together with people. So, not wanting to do everything alone, I end up with this group of ladies again, and end up eye-rolling inside my head after (ok, sometimes DURING- LOL) each get-together. I am upset with myself that I haven't made new friends - have I tried hard enough? But reading your posts, well, I could have written it myself.
Perhaps the world is now meant to be lived sans-friends? I don't know.....
For me, I would say I have two people who are pretty close to me who are not necessarily personality and activity, persona ... if you will ... wise the type of people I would prefer to hang out with as a more mature adult. However, they are both good people. And typically make time for me and are interested in my well being.
My 'best' friend OTOH, we're alike in so many ways, have many of the same interests same background. I can't even coax a text out of him 75% the time. We watched so many basketball games together I can't even count, yet when I texted him yesterday about Kobe's death ... just crickets... maybe he's with his kids, maybe on a trip for his business venture. Who knows? That friendship is slowly dying. In another 5 years, I may see him once a year, and we just talk about surficial stuff. And 'your kids, what were their names again?'
Sad.
I guess my point is ... there's people you are compatible with (you know those people you can take to any social event and plug them right in), and there's people who are available/loyal. I do believe you do have to make some compromises if you want good, reliable friends as an adult.
I'm just glad I'm not the only one who sees this inexplicable cultural shift away from real friendships. I've finally accepted just being lonely and having to find new hobbies since people don't value friendships anymore.
The funny thing is it's gotten worse every year.
There were the friends I used to party with every weekend when I was in my 20s/early 30s. I couldn't imagine losing them at the time ... but ... all gone, pretty much.
Then, you still have your best friend, the one where you'll NEVER lose, and you were at every birthday party, and baby shower, and etc.
But by the time you go through your 40s ... nope, also dying. Never would have dreamt it.
The nuclear family and the ambition to work/make $ are 90% of the focus of just about everybody in middle age and that's about it.
I’m 45. I used to have a lot of friends but in recent years they have dwindled down. Some passed away young. Some just stopped contacting or responding to me because of different political views or they didn’t like a comment my husband made on FB. Some new friends or reconnected friends who seemed to like us but then made every excuse not to hang out with us. Or fair weather friends who act as if they are your best friend and want to hang out all the time for a few months but then get weird and post “miss you!” “We have to get together soon!” But when you ask them for plans they have an excuse or cancel last minute. Then the cycle starts over again after a year where they want to hang out again and then get weird. It’s so disheartening. I’m afraid to try to make new friends because people always run so hot and cold. People seem to have such a good time with us or me but the this always seems to happen. I know people are busy with their lives and kids so after several times of being rejected for plans I just say let me know when you are free and then I don’t hear from them. I have only 2 good friends now. Sisters who I grew up with. But they have kids and a lot of other friends so they aren’t always available. And then one other friend from HS who’s husband is now friends with my husband who are available maybe only twice a year because of their kids and his job. My husband has no other friends and doesn’t want any. But it depresses me.
The bolded part. You should be very grateful you have those two sisters that you have known all these years.
The reality is that if you really have one to two really good friends consider yourself lucky. Most people are just social acquaintances and throw the word "friend" around way too often.
Agree, people run hot and cold, I am a little older than you and honestly at this stage in the game I prefer having less people in my life. I found it makes less drama and brings peace of mind.
I enjoy talking to people and traveling, but when I travel out of the country and go on my own. Never felt lonely.
For me, I would say I have two people who are pretty close to me who are not necessarily personality and activity, persona ... if you will ... wise the type of people I would prefer to hang out with as a more mature adult. However, they are both good people. And typically make time for me and are interested in my well being.
My 'best' friend OTOH, we're alike in so many ways, have many of the same interests same background. I can't even coax a text out of him 75% the time. We watched so many basketball games together I can't even count, yet when I texted him yesterday about Kobe's death ... just crickets... maybe he's with his kids, maybe on a trip for his business venture. Who knows? That friendship is slowly dying. In another 5 years, I may see him once a year, and we just talk about surficial stuff. And 'your kids, what were their names again?'
Sad.
I guess my point is ... there's people you are compatible with (you know those people you can take to any social event and plug them right in), and there's people who are available/loyal. I do believe you do have to make some compromises if you want good, reliable friends as an adult.
I'm just glad I'm not the only one who sees this inexplicable cultural shift away from real friendships. I've finally accepted just being lonely and having to find new hobbies since people don't value friendships anymore.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jobaba
The funny thing is it's gotten worse every year.
There were the friends I used to party with every weekend when I was in my 20s/early 30s. I couldn't imagine losing them at the time ... but ... all gone, pretty much.
Then, you still have your best friend, the one where you'll NEVER lose, and you were at every birthday party, and baby shower, and etc.
But by the time you go through your 40s ... nope, also dying. Never would have dreamt it.
The nuclear family and the ambition to work/make $ are 90% of the focus of just about everybody in middle age and that's about it.
Both of you are spot on. Although I'm a millennial since I'm 31, I'm a little "old school" when it comes to friendships, and I think I get it from my Dad and my Grandparents. While my Dad didn't move to the US until the late 70's, he adopted the mentality everyone else had back then. I remember being a kid and our doorbell would randomly ring one Saturday evening, and a few of his friends would be at the door asking if he was free for them to sit down and chat. My Dad would happily invite them in, make some coffee and tea, and my Mom would put out some coffee cake, or some kind of treat for them to munch on while everyone talked and caught up with each other.
Sometimes we'd be in the car and not too far from someone's house, and he'd say, "hey, I'm gonna call so-and-so to see if they're home, and will see if they are OK with us stopping over to say hi." Seems that no one does that anymore. I have had friends tell me that going out for lunch or coffee is more of an acquaintance thing than it is for friends. I guess I could see that if that was all I did with that person, but if we get together all the time, than it's obvious you're more than an acquaintance. As I got older and got closer to 30, I noticed friendships were fizzling out left and right. Some were for the reasons I mentioned a few pages back in this thread. But I also noticed that if these people didn't feel they were getting anything out of the friendship, that they had no issue letting it die. These days it seems like everyone has a, "what can you do for me" attitude, and it sucks.
I do have 2 friends I keep in touch with, but as mentioned, one only hangs out now if it's couples stuff because his wife always wants to be included, and the other one has severe social anxiety and some other issues, so he only comes over to watch shows and have some beers. I guess it's OK, but I want more than that. It's why I have accepted being alone and keeping to myself and my hobbies. Still though, it would be nice to have a small group of friends to get together with.
Both of you are spot on. Although I'm a millennial since I'm 31, I'm a little "old school" when it comes to friendships, and I think I get it from my Dad and my Grandparents. While my Dad didn't move to the US until the late 70's, he adopted the mentality everyone else had back then. I remember being a kid and our doorbell would randomly ring one Saturday evening, and a few of his friends would be at the door asking if he was free for them to sit down and chat. My Dad would happily invite them in, make some coffee and tea, and my Mom would put out some coffee cake, or some kind of treat for them to munch on while everyone talked and caught up with each other.
Sometimes we'd be in the car and not too far from someone's house, and he'd say, "hey, I'm gonna call so-and-so to see if they're home, and will see if they are OK with us stopping over to say hi." Seems that no one does that anymore. I have had friends tell me that going out for lunch or coffee is more of an acquaintance thing than it is for friends. I guess I could see that if that was all I did with that person, but if we get together all the time, than it's obvious you're more than an acquaintance. As I got older and got closer to 30, I noticed friendships were fizzling out left and right. Some were for the reasons I mentioned a few pages back in this thread. But I also noticed that if these people didn't feel they were getting anything out of the friendship, that they had no issue letting it die. These days it seems like everyone has a, "what can you do for me" attitude, and it sucks.
I do have 2 friends I keep in touch with, but as mentioned, one only hangs out now if it's couples stuff because his wife always wants to be included, and the other one has severe social anxiety and some other issues, so he only comes over to watch shows and have some beers. I guess it's OK, but I want more than that. It's why I have accepted being alone and keeping to myself and my hobbies. Still though, it would be nice to have a small group of friends to get together with.
I thought (hoped) I solved this problem when I joined a men's small group at church. I was wrong. Many of these guys seem to have their heads in the clouds and too religious, and the others simply don't make an effort. One guy has reached out to me without me having to do it first. But all we've done is go work out together a couple of times. That's it. No football watching, no nothing.
There is another group of men that I made friends in when I lived in Atlanta. It's called The Mankind Project. They have excellent mens groups all around the country, except in some smaller cities like the one I live in. I would have joined that group in a heartbeat if there was one here. Mens groups are few and far between. Women have groups for everything. So MKP (for short) is just about all there is for men unless you have an addiction. Even with MKP, its not just casually getting together (although they do outside of these meetings), its all about working on yourself and being a better communicator.
I thought (hoped) I solved this problem when I joined a men's small group at church. I was wrong. Many of these guys seem to have their heads in the clouds and too religious, and the others simply don't make an effort. One guy has reached out to me without me having to do it first. But all we've done is go work out together a couple of times. That's it. No football watching, no nothing.
There is another group of men that I made friends in when I lived in Atlanta. It's called The Mankind Project. They have excellent mens groups all around the country, except in some smaller cities like the one I live in. I would have joined that group in a heartbeat if there was one here. Mens groups are few and far between. Women have groups for everything. So MKP (for short) is just about all there is for men unless you have an addiction. Even with MKP, its not just casually getting together (although they do outside of these meetings), its all about working on yourself and being a better communicator.
Damn, sorry to hear the meetups didn't work out. It's why I haven't even bothered to give them a try. I have tried reconnecting with people from high school, old jobs, etc, and I noticed every time I make plans to hangout with them, it's nothing but awkward and forced conversations. Then when the day is over, I never hear from them after that. Of course, part of it is because I don't respond either. But it's because I know it's not worth it.
At least you got a husband. I’m totally alone. Tired of being ignored. People are not kind.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
