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I wasn't naked or wearing a negligee or anything like that. I used to do the same when my 75 year-old neighbor came over and I didn't have designs on him. These are neighbors, its practically like family.
Also I guess I didn't mind if that guy saw me in a t-shirt and no bra but now that I know its not appropriate, I will be more careful what I wear around him and what I do.
You seem to go from one extreme to another. There is no need to do that if you understand how to set healthy boundaries with people who overstep them.
Being polite with neighbours is fine, what you choose to wear and how you go about your life outside is not the issue. The issue is you don’t know how to set boundaries. Your neighbours are not like family if you don’t know them , especially one of them was married and you gave him a signal you were interested. Once he showed up at your door and you found out he was married you didn’t set boundaries instantly.
If a married man shows up at my door sharing food secretly behind his wife I’d immediately state diplomatically “ how nice you and your wife wanted to share some food but unfortunately I’m on a special diet and have to graciously decline “ . Notice I ignored that it was a secret from wife and that you only associate him as a husband. . That gives him an out, you an out and sends the message you are not playing.
You seem to go from one extreme to another. There is no need to do that if you understand how to set healthy boundaries with people who overstep them.
Being polite with neighbours is fine, what you choose to wear and how you go about your life outside is not the issue. The issue is you don’t know how to set boundaries. Your neighbours are not like family if you don’t know them , especially one of them was married and you gave him a signal you were interested. Once he showed up at your door and you found out he was married you didn’t set boundaries instantly.
If a married man shows up at my door sharing food secretly behind his wife I’d immediately state diplomatically “ how nice you and your wife wanted to share some food but unfortunately I’m on a special diet and have to graciously decline “ . Notice I ignored that it was a secret from wife and that you only associate him as a husband. . That gives him an out, you an out and sends the message you are not playing.
You need to practice boundaries .
I see what you are saying. If he tries something like this again I can say something like that. "Thats very kind of you and your wife but......"
If he says "Oh but my wife doesnt know. .."
"Why would you need to keep this from your wife......?"
I guess I was underestimating how much men are attuned to those signals coming from women. Or maybe I send out much stronger signals than I realize. But I guess I have to take the blame here.
He was just following his male instincts, which is to push up on women who seem to like him and seem to be advertising their assets.
But he has made four kids and his job now is to provide for his kids and support that family, not go chasing after strays like some tomcat.
But I will do my part and try to tone down my signals, or at least wear something more decent if I'm out in the neighborhood.
You are sending out easy/desperate vibes since the only guy picking them up is your married loser neighbor.
He brought you a box of uncooked spaghetti to get in your pants. You should be insulted... but you're not.
Instead, you're in here obsessing over him everyday, all day/night, nonstop for an entire week...I mean, come on already.
At this point, this thread should be on its way into the the Psychology Forum.
It's not a modesty push......it's common sense IMO. You don't say you answered the door with everything on display......(edit: O.P.s words)....& then create drama about it.
This is an interesting point. It would make sense if there were only the home-visit incident involved. But if we look at the whole story, not just the part where he came to her door, it seems that the more relevant question would be: what was she wearing all the other times that they ran into each other around the neighborhood? Probably, she was dressed in a conventional manner. Which brings us back to the point one or more posters have made, that slimeballs will be slimeballs, irrespective of their target's clothing choice or behavior.
They look for a target, which could be anyone, depending on the guy's mindset and experience: someone who reminds him of an ex, or someone wearing a color or accessory that's meaningful for him, someone with a hair color he likes. It's often not about anything the target did, said or wore; it's about the perp who may be a serial harasser or worse.
I'm starting to come around to the view some have expressed here, that the neighbor likely has, or has had in the past, several flirtations going in the neighborhood (and perhaps elsewhere) at once, or serially.
I'm also wondering about some of the comments about the OP's prior friendly behavior toward the person she thought was single. She believed him to be single, and found him attractive, so she was friendly. Is that a bad thing? Isn't that pretty normal? It's only in hindsight, that we can look at that and perhaps venture a "tsk tsk". This raises questions about whether women should ever be friendly to anyone at all, unless they know them really well. And even if you know someone well, there can be a hidden unsavory side to them, that no one knows about.
I think this is a question many women who have been the recipients of persistent unwanted attention, or seemingly friendly attention that spun out of control, struggle with. And I'm wondering if it's a fair or realistic question. I suppose a psychologist would say, "exercise good boundaries". But by the time the situation gets to a stage where one notices boundaries are necessary, it's often too late. The chronic slimeballs tend not to stop at boundaries. Some even see boundary-setting as a challenging game to play; boundaries are for defeating. Yikes!
I think there are some thorny questions involved here. Would anyone like to venture some answers?
Location: As of 2022….back to SoCal. OC this time!
9,297 posts, read 4,603,011 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
I'm starting to come around to the view some have expressed here, that the neighbor likely has, or has had in the past, several flirtations going in the neighborhood (and perhaps elsewhere) at once, or serially.
I think there are some thorny questions involved here. Would anyone like to venture some answers?
What matters is that the O.P. learns how to set boundaries & how to deal with men....it's not like she can ask a forum every time somebody speaks to her or comes to the door.
AND if the neighbor had 5000 flirtatations going on for pete's sakes.......it doesn't change what the O.P. needs to do....like what Nina said in her perfect post.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 80sHorrorJunkie
I seriously can't believe that there are still some people not getting this... OP *thought* the guy was single, and was initially attracted to him. Dude is married but acts like he's single, bringing things to the OP without even telling his wife. OP is in HER house and should be able to dress any flippin, set-trippin, way she wants to.
Oh...we totally get it. AND IMO does anybody care about "dude"? Does the O.P. get it tho....because she is asking what her boundaries & common sense should be. AND part of boundaries is knowing how to dress when you go to the front door. I love to show skin & be fashionable....when it's appropriate or for the right setting...BUT if I'm in a bikini & someone comes to the door, I put on a coverup. If I'm in panties & a bra & the doorbell rings, I don't say....it's my house & I can dress the way I want. I throw on something else or I don't answer the door so that I don't answer it with "everything on display". Weird ppl can come to the door.....common sense is an amazing thing!
This is an interesting point. It would make sense if there were only the home-visit incident involved. But if we look at the whole story, not just the part where he came to her door, it seems that the more relevant question would be: what was she wearing all the other times that they ran into each other around the neighborhood? Probably, she was dressed in a conventional manner. Which brings us back to the point one or more posters have made, that slimeballs will be slimeballs, irrespective of their target's clothing choice or behavior.
They look for a target, which could be anyone, depending on the guy's mindset and experience: someone who reminds him of an ex, or someone wearing a color or accessory that's meaningful for him, someone with a hair color he likes. It's often not about anything the target did, said or wore; it's about the perp who may be a serial harasser or worse.
I'm starting to come around to the view some have expressed here, that the neighbor likely has, or has had in the past, several flirtations going in the neighborhood (and perhaps elsewhere) at once, or serially.
I'm also wondering about some of the comments about the OP's prior friendly behavior toward the person she thought was single. She believed him to be single, and found him attractive, so she was friendly. Is that a bad thing? Isn't that pretty normal? It's only in hindsight, that we can look at that and perhaps venture a "tsk tsk". This raises questions about whether women should ever be friendly to anyone at all, unless they know them really well. And even if you know someone well, there can be a hidden unsavory side to them, that no one knows about.
I think this is a question many women who have been the recipients of persistent unwanted attention, or seemingly friendly attention that spun out of control, struggle with. And I'm wondering if it's a fair or realistic question. I suppose a psychologist would say, "exercise good boundaries". But by the time the situation gets to a stage where one notices boundaries are necessary, it's often too late. The chronic slimeballs tend not to stop at boundaries. Some even see boundary-setting as a challenging game to play; boundaries are for defeating. Yikes!
I think there are some thorny questions involved here. Would anyone like to venture some answers?
Good questions, Ruth.
When I moved to this town one of the first things I noticed was how warm and friendly it was. Compared to where I came from, Los Angeles, where people are much more unfriendly, street smart I guess. If a man tries to talk to me in downtown LA, Im going to just try to get away asap.
So I really liked that about it here and wanted to embrace the friendliness.
Nobody here has really crossed a line or been very inappropriate before this neighbor.
So the question stands, what would "good boundaries" have looked like, with him? People say that but dont elaborate on what that means in concrete terms.
I didnt invite him in, though he was practically leaning through the doorway so I felt like he wanted me to. So I think I practiced a good boundary there.
Should I not be friendly to my neighbors? To the grocery store cashiers?
How can I tell when someone is just friendly vs. harboring some illicit plans that cross the line (and that I would have no way of knowing about until it happens)?
Right, people should be able to wear what they want as much s possible, but some may say moongirl should tone it down in certain situations such as this, especially since she cares about what the neighbors & others think. It's all about how one carries themselves. It's the same way as the woman at the workplace who always or often wears the tight, short skirt suits, etc. WHen they do that often, people automatically think certain things about that person. Things like: She thinks she's cute, she's trying to get favors or special treatment from our meals boss, etc., etc., etc.
I'm sure she doesn't want the neighbors yakking about her & saying, "Oh, yeah she seems like the trollup-y type, wearing see-through clothes, just t-shirts, & no bras all the time...so she's probably the type to have an affair w/ the neighbor, blah, blah, blah..."
Do most of you answer the door in just a t-shirt & NO bra, especially if you know it's some religious group (because she has a peephole to see who it is before opening the door, I'm sure)? I'd think not many of us.
I know that I, myself, don't give 2 flips what the neighbors think, when they see me outside. Mostly, they smile and wave.
I think the neighbors making assumptions about moongirl says more about the neighbors then it does about moongirl.
When I moved to this town one of the first things I noticed was how warm and friendly it was. Compared to where I came from, Los Angeles, where people are much more unfriendly, street smart I guess. If a man tries to talk to me in downtown LA, Im going to just try to get away asap.
So I really liked that about it here and wanted to embrace the friendliness.
Nobody here has really crossed a line or been very inappropriate before this neighbor.
So the question stands, what would "good boundaries" have looked like, with him? People say that but dont elaborate on what that means in concrete terms.
I didnt invite him in, though he was practically leaning through the doorway so I felt like he wanted me to. So I think I practiced a good boundary there.
Should I not be friendly to my neighbors? To the grocery store cashiers?
How can I tell when someone is just friendly vs. harboring some illicit plans that cross the line (and that I would have no way of knowing about until it happens)?
Like I said WAAAAYYY up thread, you didn't do anything wrong. There was a mix up (it happens) where he probably assumed that you knew he was married, and he picked up on the 'extra friendly' vibe you were putting out there. You know..."the available single lady vibe" where you hold eye contact a little longer than usual, you smile, etc. You didn't know he was married. It's not your fault that you didn't know. HE knew he was married though, and should not have approached you in that way.
It was an honest mistake on your part, and IF he approaches you again, I trust you'll find a way to let him know you're not interested.
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AND part of boundaries is knowing how to dress when you go to the front door. I love to show skin & be fashionable....when it's appropriate or for the right setting...BUT if I'm in a bikini & someone comes to the door, I put on a coverup. If I'm in panties & a bra & the doorbell rings, I don't say....it's my house & I can dress the way I want.
Ita.....we need boundaries for any interaction.......specially when it's unwanted.