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The older you get, the harder making new friends becomes. I've pretty much given up. Not that there aren't some opportunities, but the relations are not quite satisfying for me (and for them, I'd imagine). We don’t know each other, have completely different backgrounds and experiences, and have no history together... there’s no glue to hold you together…
I can perhaps make some good acquaintances to share activities with occasionally, but it's never gonna be anything close to what I'd consider a friend.... I know, given a chance, a friendship might grow if nurtured, but I also live in a very transient place – people come and go and one day you don’t have them again, so you just say “why bother at all”…
I can't give up, or I am going to be a very lonely person.
Don't get me wrong, my DH is my best friend, but I need female friends too.
The history is the problem I think - these things just take time to build. Patience has always been a virtue that I needed to work at , so I guess I'm just going to have to continue making an effort and stop expecting so much so soon.
I have decided to handle the issue with the unfriendly girl head on. Not easy, but if she's going to exclude me for whatever reason, then lets be open about it.
It's possible that I may have said something to her which sounded 'off' and that I don't even realise it. Sometimes we really are two peoples seperated by a common language. I'm not looking forward to it, but I'm not going to make a big deal of it - just tell her that I'm getting some negative vibes and that I hope I haven't said something that upset her without realizing.
That gives her a chance to tell me if I did - or if not, she will know that I have recognized her behavior.
Whatever happens I won't be a doormat. just not going to happen. I'll continue to be as nice as possible, but negative energy saps my energy and I don't have time or the patience for that.
What about a neighbor.... one of my best friends is someone right next door... we can both get home from work and just sit and have a drink... no pressure... that turned into a really good friendship.
What about a neighbor.... one of my best friends is someone right next door... we can both get home from work and just sit and have a drink... no pressure... that turned into a really good friendship.
I have always found meeting new friends to be relatively easy - maybe because I have moved so much that I have HAD to, or I would have spent a lot of time alone! Lol.
But it seems to be getting harder and I'm not sure why.
I'm embarrassed to ask, but I need some advice (ach, I feel like I'm back in high school!!!).
There are a bunch of girls around my age (early 30s) working at the same office as I am. Mostly they've been quite nice - and I've met up with one girl and her husband with my DH for brunch and we had a great time. She invited us to a bar-be-que, but we couldn't make it.
The girls all seem to get on quite well and are a 'group'.
Believe me, I don't expect to be welcomed into an existing group with open arms, but there is one girl who is really quite unfriendly. Not sure why. Now, when I see the girl we went for brunch with she's really nice when the other girl isn't there, and less so when she is. In fact I feel like the other girl is making an effort to exclude me, and I don't get why.
Normally I would brush it off and move on with other people, only I really miss having some girl friends, and would like to form some friendships in our new city.
Should I ask if there is an issue? Or just try and soldier on and see what happens.
This all seems so ridiculous to me - I always try and be welcoming to new people, and this just seems like such silly behavior, so do I address it or ignore it?
Wow - searching through all threads?? Interesting. Who has the bug up their behind now?
Think this was from July when we were brand new in town. It's now January and we've been here 9 months. Bit of a different situation now. We've actually made more friends here by now than we ever did in Hoboken. Probably because it's a much bigger place.
It helped that old friends of ours from London live here and have a big group of friends, and we got back in touch with them.
Is all this searching through old threads because we had dinner with our neighbors last night? Is it really so hard for you to believe that people do that? As it happens this was the first time we've gone out - we've been saying we'd go for ages, but it never happened, and then they called last week. It's really not THAT much of a stretch is it? If it's this hard for you to believe that people go out, then I'm even more concerned for you than I was before.
Forget trying to make actual friends with your co-workers. If you like to spiff up your yard with planting flowers in the spring, find a neighbor that likes to do the same. Go to the plant nursery together. Or do some volunteer work in your area. If you are helping with a bake sale, find another volunteer to bake with. I think that helping out a library with a book sale would be fun. Or if you want to be really different, there's always volunteering for a Habitat for Humanity project! I think that it's easier to make friends with someone that enjoys the same activities and on the same schedule. With co-workers, there is the danger of talking about work, griping and possibly being tricked into complaining about a work situation and then your comments starting some drama. Even if you never had moved, I think that the older we get, the busier our lives can become with other obligations, like family or we get more tired and stressed from work or sitting in rush hour traffic, so it's preferable to go home and just recover while being anti-social. I know that in the Boston area, the rush hour traffic has gotten much worse since I was young. Years ago, it was no big deal to work or visit the city. Now I prefer to avoid it as much as possible and Boston is only 10-15 miles away from my house. When I pass through other major cities like Atlanta, I find the traffic to also be a pain in the neck. A week ago, I was got in horrendous holiday traffic while on my way to NC. Between CT and Baltimore, MD, I hit constant parking lot situations on I-95. Never again will I travel Christmas week. lol But seriously, if I had to commute to work in a major city like the average 9-5 person, I would never have the energy to have a social life!
Forget trying to make actual friends with your co-workers. If you like to spiff up your yard with planting flowers in the spring, find a neighbor that likes to do the same. Go to the plant nursery together. Or do some volunteer work in your area. If you are helping with a bake sale, find another volunteer to bake with. I think that helping out a library with a book sale would be fun. Or if you want to be really different, there's always volunteering for a Habitat for Humanity project! I think that it's easier to make friends with someone that enjoys the same activities and on the same schedule. With co-workers, there is the danger of talking about work, griping and possibly being tricked into complaining about a work situation and then your comments starting some drama. Even if you never had moved, I think that the older we get, the busier our lives can become with other obligations, like family or we get more tired and stressed from work or sitting in rush hour traffic, so it's preferable to go home and just recover while being anti-social. I know that in the Boston area, the rush hour traffic has gotten much worse since I was young. Years ago, it was no big deal to work or visit the city. Now I prefer to avoid it as much as possible and Boston is only 10-15 miles away from my house. When I pass through other major cities like Atlanta, I find the traffic to also be a pain in the neck. A week ago, I was got in horrendous holiday traffic while on my way to NC. Between CT and Baltimore, MD, I hit constant parking lot situations on I-95. Never again will I travel Christmas week. lol But seriously, if I had to commute to work in a major city like the average 9-5 person, I would never have the energy to have a social life!
Thanks Miu. We actually are friends with my co workers now... and I've become quite close with another girl from the office. We're all contractors though, and no-one relies on anyone else for any work. So I think that helps.
The girl in the first scenario apparently starts off quite cold and slowly warms up. It's her 'thing'. Pretty sad 'thing' if you ask me, but I made an effort with her and she has indeed warmed up. My office is pretty cool - a few of us are talking about heading to VT for a girls weekend. The only thing is that a fair few of them are recently divorced. We ended up taking one of them out for Chinese on Christmas day so she wouldn't be alone all day.
They are slightly bitter about men - I just try to stay out of that stuff.
I do take your point though. Two of the girls have fallen out and no longer speak. I can see how that would be awkward in an office environment, but as I said none of us rely on the others for work, so you can get by.
I really wouldn't have enjoyed moving here half as much if we hadn't made friends. To begin with it was more just missing seeing familiar faces around, but I'm glad we made so much effort because we HAVE met a lot of people - the only downside is I'm drinking more than I have in years (still not that much) and we're spending a lot of money on eating out with people.
I'm lucky though because I make my own hours and walk to work. So I hae the energy. DH keeps up somehow.
i really try to get most of my friends outside of work - seems to really reduce the drama and/or akwardness when something is going on.
Great advice. I've only let in good friendships from work when they were definitely the kind of friends I would have made outside of work. (The person that sat in the office next to me in ATL was my best friend while I lived there and is still my friend, after many years of living so far away, as I just spoke to him over the holidays.) Otherwise, the people at work remain my lunch crowd and nothing more. And that distance is a good thing to have many times. Right, I prefer to have most of my personal friends not be my immediate co-workers.
I thought you were perfect and made friends easily and effortlessly?
Now you are on here crying like little baby.
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I know, given a chance, a friendship might grow if nurtured, but I also live in a very transient place – people come and go and one day you don’t have them again, so you just say “why bother at all”…
, so I guess I'm just going to have to continue making an effort and stop expecting so much so soon.
I'm not looking forward to it, but I'm not going to make a big deal of it - just tell her that I'm getting some negative vibes and that I hope I haven't said something that upset her without realizing. 
