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This is the 3rd time in my life that this has happened. However, this time it's a male co-worker in his early 60s.
The other time it was a female friend in her 40s (same line of work) who I essentially told to "go to hell" and a neighbor of my Mom's with whom my Mom is no longer friends. For the last 2, the common thread is that they were both from seriously dysfunctional families, of which everyone in the neighbor lady's family was a raging alcoholic. The spacing of these acquaintances has been over a dozen years, so it's not back-to-back.
Back to the story: all of these people, none of whom are in my "inner circle," feel compelled to tell me how to organize certain aspects of my life and I keep telling them to "back off" calmly yet firmly, yet they don't get it.
This co-worker feels compelled to find a house for me. I have told him repeatedly over the last few months that I am a suburbanite to the bone. The next purchase will be a less than 20-year old zero lot line home or townhome with no more than 1600 sq. ft. He keeps notifying me of listings which do not meet these criteria. In fact, he is insistent on townhomes in the downtown area. I told him I have always disliked the inner city because I don't fit in with the bohemian aspect and like the treed peace and quiet of the city's outer ring. Again, he tries to keep selling me on his point of view for something that shouldn't even concern him.
What the hell is wrong with these people? Why don't they listen? And what must have transpired earlier in their lives to make them this way, if you can guess?
1 -- What the hell is wrong with these people? Why don't they listen?
2 -- And what must have transpired earlier in their lives to make them this way, if you can guess?
Hi.
2 -- doesn't matter, especially since you don't seem to like them. Their life is not relevant to you. Forget it. If something does not contribute to your well being, forget it.
1 -- Everyone has to have a hobby. For some, it's meddling. Also, some people believe, to their core, that everyone should be just like them; they simply are unable to imagine anything else.
They don't listen because they don't want to. It's just that simple.
Solutions:
a) Stop having conversations with such people. You are not obligated to be polite, or even to seem polite. Don't be rude, by all means. Just distance yourself, physically if possible but certainly emotionally, from them. Pretend you're deaf. It's a lovely and effective way to avoid many annoying people, like the ones who pester us all the time in the supermarkets, asking if we've found everything. I play deaf; they just walk away.
If this were taking place in an office, for example, I would smile, say "Hi" and keep on walking no matter what they say or do. Or anywhere, if you feel cornered and want to say something, say "No". Or "No I'm not interested". Don't whine; just state it like a simple declarative sentence. Then turn away to your newspaper or get up and leave the room.
The trick is to remember that they need your conversation, your arguments, your anger, your impatience, your disagrement, your frustration -- your attention, your emotional energy -- to keep pestering you. If they get no attention from you, they have nothing to feed on, and they'll move on to people who feel guilty not being "polite".
b) Always remember that what everyone chooses to say and do expresses who they are, not who you are. So don't confuse their irrationality with anything you have ever said or done in or out of their presence. See? It really isn't you; it's them. Therefore, you get to brush them out of your mind, stop giving away your energy and power, and just breeze past them with a small smile saying "Hi" and going about your life, pretending you're deaf. (The pretend-deaf trick isn't appropriate, of course, with intimate partners or loving friends who really do nourish your energy, and with employers who nourish your bank account.)
Your life will often cross paths with people who don't resonate with you, whose vibration doesn't nourish yours. Fine. Just sort of hover a bit above yourself, out of any emotional connection to them, say only the bare minimum number of words which should include full sentences composed of "Yes." and "No." and "Oh.", and when such people cannot draw energy from you, they will move on.
I wish you powerful joy!
Last edited by allforcats; 09-12-2008 at 02:18 AM..
It was very much the case with me as a youngster, because I didn't actually know what I would do in my life, and I was generally undecided in my behaviour back then.
So some people tried to take advantage of it in "counselling" me (it's amazing the number of people who volunteer to give their free advice even when not solicited).
When I was 20, an uncle and an aunt (not related) asked me visibly worried : "what are you going to do with your life"
I answered my uncle (dead since of cancer)-it was at the end of a good meal in a classy restaurant : "you see I don't want you to bother me with that, I just had a good meal, I 'm in a good health, I have no worries".He was shocked by the bluntness of my answer, but I think I was right , it was no business of him because he had offered me a good meal to "poke and pry" in my personal wants.
So only three people in your life have tried to organize you or offer advice you didn't want? And you're grousing about it? You have an awfully keen memory of events that are so widely spaced.
People who have lives that are dysfunctinal need to have a sense of control. Since they do not see this as an attainable goal in their own lives, they try to control others lives...probably lives that would be much easier to "straighten up "than their own!
Because officious people suffer from arrogance. They believe everybody should live the way they do and then set out to convince you to do so. My father-in-law is that way. Early on in our marriage, he would just show up at our house and start fixing things. Thank God they moved away or I might have shot him.
Because officious people suffer from arrogance. They believe everybody should live the way they do and then set out to convince you to do so. My father-in-law is that way. Early on in our marriage, he would just show up at our house and start fixing things. Thank God they moved away or I might have shot him.
My MIL is that way too!!!
CPG, my neighbor had just moved into our neighborhood and were going to do so me renovations on their home but no plans had been confirmed. The neighbors went out of town for the week and came home to find NO trees in their front and side yard!!! They went to the other neighbors to ask if they had seen anything and they told them a tree company had been in the yard.
The tree company was called and guess who scheduled them?? The FIL!!! Not only that, he had them cut the trees from the wrong side of the house!!! I never heard what ever happened with the FIL...I was afraid to ask
This is the 3rd time in my life that this has happened. However, this time it's a male co-worker in his early 60s.
The other time it was a female friend in her 40s (same line of work) who I essentially told to "go to hell" and a neighbor of my Mom's with whom my Mom is no longer friends. For the last 2, the common thread is that they were both from seriously dysfunctional families, of which everyone in the neighbor lady's family was a raging alcoholic. The spacing of these acquaintances has been over a dozen years, so it's not back-to-back.
Back to the story: all of these people, none of whom are in my "inner circle," feel compelled to tell me how to organize certain aspects of my life and I keep telling them to "back off" calmly yet firmly, yet they don't get it.
This co-worker feels compelled to find a house for me. I have told him repeatedly over the last few months that I am a suburbanite to the bone. The next purchase will be a less than 20-year old zero lot line home or townhome with no more than 1600 sq. ft. He keeps notifying me of listings which do not meet these criteria. In fact, he is insistent on townhomes in the downtown area. I told him I have always disliked the inner city because I don't fit in with the bohemian aspect and like the treed peace and quiet of the city's outer ring. Again, he tries to keep selling me on his point of view for something that shouldn't even concern him.
What the hell is wrong with these people? Why don't they listen? And what must have transpired earlier in their lives to make them this way, if you can guess?
Please chime in.
I dunno...for some reason, they get all caught up in their own worlds and never hear your words? It's happened to me with my sister and brother in law, and I actually finally lost it and yelled at them both, to get them to listen....I mean, I'd say things like, please call before you come over, or no thank you, or if I'd go against what they thought was a better idea, man oh man? Maybe it's partically a control thing...I just think people mean well, but get all caught up in this mind set "You gotta think and feel like I do"? They cannot grasp the word allowance and space?
CPG, my neighbor had just moved into our neighborhood and were going to do so me renovations on their home but no plans had been confirmed. The neighbors went out of town for the week and came home to find NO trees in their front and side yard!!! They went to the other neighbors to ask if they had seen anything and they told them a tree company had been in the yard.
The tree company was called and guess who scheduled them?? The FIL!!! Not only that, he had them cut the trees from the wrong side of the house!!! I never heard what ever happened with the FIL...I was afraid to ask
OMG
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Therefore, you get to brush them out of your mind, stop giving away your energy and power, and just breeze past them with a small smile saying "Hi" and going about your life, pretending you're deaf. (The pretend-deaf trick isn't appropriate, of course, with intimate partners or loving friends who really do nourish your energy, and with employers who nourish your bank account.) 
