Mom's interaction with her kids (wife, person, children, Christmas)

[SeattlitefromNC]

Originally Posted by Raggy dee Ann

Maybe that sort of thing doesn't come naturally to the OP wife.

I think everyone else is picking up on that, and that is EXACTLY why others are telling the OP to not push this issue. Whether he knows it or not, even mild criticism of parenting styles (particularly of the partner in one's relationship) is like throwing a match into a room full of live explosives: no good can come of such an action.

In the absence of harm to the children, there is even less of an impetus to push this issue. The kids seem to be happy.

People do have roles in a marriage, and not every mother is going to be Betty Crocker/Mrs. Brady/etc. It's best to deal with the reality of that than to try to change it (especially this late in the game). The mom, in the OP's relationship, has a different role ... and that's OK.

[artsyguy]

leave her alone.

[Raggy dee Ann]

Originally Posted by SeattlitefromNC

I think everyone else is picking up on that, and that is EXACTLY why others are telling the OP to not push this issue. Whether he knows it or not, even mild criticism of parenting styles (particularly of the partner in one's relationship) is like throwing a match into a room full of live explosives: no good can come of such an action.

In the absence of harm to the children, there is even less of an impetus to push this issue. The kids seem to be happy.

People do have roles in a marriage, and not every mother is going to be Betty Crocker/Mrs. Brady/etc. It's best to deal with the reality of that than to try to change it (especially this late in the game). The mom, in the OP's relationship, has a different role ... and that's OK.

But it's got me wondering if the majority of posters responding are working women with children. The way I see it is that anyone can bake the obligatory gingerbread house at Christmas and attend sports games, but never going camping with them? Wanting to leave before the kids or hubby is ready to during certain outings? Maybe I just have an idealistic warped idea about mother-children relationship. Am I being unreasonable?

[artsyguy]

No I don't see a problem with her behavior, unless the mother is sending off vibes that she doesn't give a rat's patootie about the kids. Maybe she has a cold "why do I have to do stuff with the kids" attitude?

Originally Posted by Raggy dee Ann

But it's got me wondering if the majority of posters responding are working women with children. The way I see it is that anyone can bake the obligatory gingerbread house at Christmas and attend sports games, but never going camping with them? Wanting to leave before the kids or hubby is ready to during certain outings? Maybe I just have an idealistic warped idea about mother-children relationship. Am I being unreasonable?

[ellie]

Originally Posted by artsyguy

No I don't see a problem with her behavior, unless the mother is sending off vibes that she doesn't give a rat's patootie about the kids. Maybe she has a cold "why do I have to do stuff with the kids" attitude?

This fellow's posts make a little more sense if you read his other posts. Their relationship is a bit rocky and this is just part of it.

They need more help than we can give, especially in light of the limited knowledge we have about the situation.

[houstoner]

Originally Posted by Raggy dee Ann

Maybe I just have an idealistic warped idea about mother-children relationship.

Yes, you do, and so does the OP! Mothers are people, too, with likes and dislikes. So what if she doesn't like camping? He has admitted she does quite a lot and the kids come to her to nurse their owies, so I really don't see what the big deal is. There's enough pressure on women and mothers to be perfect and do everything right as it is. Maybe she's just a working mom who likes a little down time when she gets home. Just because her job isn't high-powered doesn't mean it's not stressful. Just because she doesn't have an elaborate craft activity involving the solar system planned to do with them every day after work doesn't mean she's not a good mom or doesn't love her kids. Besides, he neglected to mention the kids' ages or how many they have. It sounds like he is creating a problem where there is none. To be honest, he sounds a little obsessive to me. And his self-righteousness implying he's the one doing everything right while she isn't doing enough really rubs me the wrong way. I can't imagine how it must affect his wife!

[theroadlesstravelled]

No, I don't try to make an ideal childhood for my kids because of fond memories of my own; quite the opposite. I want my kids to have what I didn't (not referring to material things, either)
We're not talking about camping in the sleeping in a tent in the boonies sense, but rather a new RV with all the comforts of home at a campground with amenities. WHen I see other families enjoying the "Christmas in July', it's usually the whole family, while I'm there by myself with the kids.
I don't expect her to do everything with the kids, or us...she doesn't like baseball or the Nutcracker, so I don't even ask. But our Easter trip was a family vacation, and she stayed home (the fact that she invited her 'fling' to our house while we were away may have had something to do with that).
I enjoy spending time with my kids (ages 4,6 and 9). It just bothers me that after not getting much time with them during the week she doesn't express interest in watching them, let alone participating, in fun weekend activities. Yeah, everyone needs 'down time', but while I'm not only playing with the kids at the campground, but bathing and feeding them and putting them into bed, we come home to a house that's just as messy was when we left. So did I resent that, yes, I did.
If I don't suggest activities we often do nothing. Her preferences are shopping and dining...so in her mind it's a compromise to go to a museum with us...but who would want to feel rushed (meaning the kids and me) if they're doing something they enjoy.
I guess looking at the bigger picture, it's not just the involvement with the kids but the whole family concept. Because she hasn't joined us in many activities, sometimes I feel more like a single parent. Last yr my 6 (the 5) yr old even said to me that sometimes she feels like she only has one parent (meaning me).

[theroadlesstravelled]

Oh yes, Houstoner, I'm sure I sound self-righteous to you. That I do most of the cooking and housework, that my wife is very unorganized and sloppy, and yet she had the fling because she thought the grass was greener elsewhere, no doubt I'm making mountains out of molehills and am self-righteous. No, I'm not a perfect parent and definitely not a perfect husband, and I guess my wife would be glad to know that you're also rubbed the wrong way.

[houstoner]

Originally Posted by theroadlesstravelled

No, I don't try to make an ideal childhood for my kids because of fond memories of my own; quite the opposite. I want my kids to have what I didn't (not referring to material things, either)
We're not talking about camping in the sleeping in a tent in the boonies sense, but rather a new RV with all the comforts of home at a campground with amenities. WHen I see other families enjoying the "Christmas in July', it's usually the whole family, while I'm there by myself with the kids.
I don't expect her to do everything with the kids, or us...she doesn't like baseball or the Nutcracker, so I don't even ask. But our Easter trip was a family vacation, and she stayed home (the fact that she invited her 'fling' to our house while we were away may have had something to do with that).
I enjoy spending time with my kids (ages 4,6 and 9). It just bothers me that after not getting much time with them during the week she doesn't express interest in watching them, let alone participating, in fun weekend activities. Yeah, everyone needs 'down time', but while I'm not only playing with the kids at the campground, but bathing and feeding them and putting them into bed, we come home to a house that's just as messy was when we left. So did I resent that, yes, I did.
If I don't suggest activities we often do nothing. Her preferences are shopping and dining...so in her mind it's a compromise to go to a museum with us...but who would want to feel rushed (meaning the kids and me) if they're doing something they enjoy.
I guess looking at the bigger picture, it's not just the involvement with the kids but the whole family concept. Because she hasn't joined us in many activities, sometimes I feel more like a single parent. Last yr my 6 (the 5) yr old even said to me that sometimes she feels like she only has one parent (meaning me).

Three kids under ten? Yikes! Do you work full-time, too? What fling? Is she cheating on you or do you guys have an open relationship or something? If so, maybe it's you she's avoiding spending time with? Is it possible that your problem is about more than parenting styles, as another poster suggested, and really more about your relationship with each other?

[houstoner]

Originally Posted by theroadlesstravelled

Oh yes, Houstoner, I'm sure I sound self-righteous to you. That I do most of the cooking and housework, that my wife is very unorganized and sloppy, and yet she had the fling because she thought the grass was greener elsewhere, no doubt I'm making mountains out of molehills and am self-righteous. No, I'm not a perfect parent and definitely not a perfect husband, and I guess my wife would be glad to know that you're also rubbed the wrong way.

Hey, all I had to go on was what you posted. I didn't know she cheated on you and you have unresolved issues with her. That's what this is really about then. In light of this new information, I would guess her not wanting to be around and act like the perfect family doesn't have anything to do with the kids, but more to do with the two of you. Have you guys tried counseling?

Edit: I just read your post from a few months back on your wife's fling.

Edited again: Okay, actually, I just scanned through the entire thread. Things obviously aren't getting any better. Forget counseling. Staying together for the sake of the kids never works. Leave her cheating ass. That's my advice. Good luck.