Do Northern Virginians Define Themselves By Their Car? (Chantilly: leasing, buy)

[Yankeesfan]

Originally Posted by ScranBarre

People ARE more concerned with professional elitism (i.e. "Where did you go to college? What do you do? Yada, yada, yada"), and I do find that to be a major turn-off to living in Fairfax County.

Just curious, what do you think would be proper topics of conversation? You've voluntarily told us multiple times since the beginning about your non-prestigious college and your lower-ranked high school and all the specifics of where you work including repeatedly criticizing your boss and your current salary and your future salary for many years out and now about your car. Yet somehow it's offensive if people ask you these questions while making conversation? They seem like pretty simple and obvious questions to ask a young professional person. You're not wearing a wedding ring so they wouldn't instantly ask about your spouse and family and if they make the mistake of asking where you live they probably get an earful about all the shortcomings of Reston .

[SteelCityRising]

Originally Posted by Yankeesfan

Just curious, what do you think would be proper topics of conversation? You've voluntarily told us multiple times since the beginning about your non-prestigious college and your lower-ranked high school and all the specifics of where you work including repeatedly criticizing your boss and your current salary and your future salary for many years out and now about your car. Yet somehow it's offensive if people ask you these questions while making conversation? They seem like pretty simple and obvious questions to ask a young professional person. You're not wearing a wedding ring so they wouldn't instantly ask about your spouse and family and if they make the mistake of asking where you live they probably get an earful about all the shortcomings of Reston .

It's just sort of off-putting if you're at a party and find out you're the only one who doesn't have a Master's Degree or Ph.D., the only one who isn't making $60,000+, the only one who doesn't have a position that he feels proud of, etc. and then has to try to find creative ways to sound like you "fit in" when it's your turn to chime in to the conversation. I know everyone down here seems to love talking about their jobs for a half-hour at a time, but I'd be more interested in hearing about plans for the upcoming weekend, recent community service experiences, how his/her family is doing, favorite foods, pet peeves, or even "fluff" talk about the weather, sports, politics, crazy things your dog has done lately, your mother-in-law being on Wheel of Fortune, etc.

The way some (not all) that I've met down here drone on and on about their careers it becomes evident that they are starting to define themselves by what they do for the 9-to-5, and that is rather concerning for me if you are so wrapped up in work that it is the first thing that pops into your head at what are supposed to be leisure functions. Tell me little Sally had her wisdom teeth removed. Tell me you've just joined a book club. Tell me you are planning to tour Ireland next year to research your genealogy. Tell me the artichoke dip from Clyde's gives you bad gas. I don't care. Just stop talking about corporate expense accounts and generally how "important" you are. This is why I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that 75% (or more) of most obituaries in the Washington Post focus solely on that person's work experiences. Did that person ever hike parts of the Appalachian Trail? Were they die-hard Redskins fans? Did they volunteer in Alaska to scrub baby seals clean after the Exxon Valdez oil spill? Did they invent a new type of pogo stick? Did they sing in their church choir? We'll never know. I just look at those faces and see "corporate controller" or "executive account manager." That's just a shame to me.

[normie]

Originally Posted by ScranBarre

It's just sort of off-putting if you're at a party and find out you're the only one who doesn't have a Master's Degree or Ph.D., the only one who isn't making $60,000+, the only one who doesn't have a position that he feels proud of, etc. and then has to try to find creative ways to sound like you "fit in" when it's your turn to chime in to the conversation.

LOL, if it makes you feel any better, I didn't even go to college until I was in 30s. Yet I went to lots of parties--the secret is to learn that a conversation is not a competition. Why not simply be interested in someone else's accomplishments? When it's your turn to chime in, steer the conversation in a direction you prefer. Ask the person what his favorite food is. Talk about an interesting book you've read. Or something amusing you saw on the way to the party. If nothing else, talk about the weather.

Something to ask yourself is: Is it off putting because you're bored by the topic or because you feel "lesser than." If it's all about you feeling "lesser than" no amount of changing the subject will help.

Just for a laugh, look how easy it is to interpret any topic as bragging if you're feeling "less than". And you can find it just as difficult to sound like you "fit in" when it's your turn to chime in. No matter what you say it can backfire big time--people know this, a lot of times that's why they stick to "safer" topics like what they do for a living.

Originally Posted by ScranBarre

Tell me little Sally had her wisdom teeth removed.
The person listening to this could think: I hate people who brag endlessly about their kids. Does he really think anyone cares about his kid's dentistry?

Tell me you've just joined a book club.
Well la de da, obviously he think this makes him important. He read a book so he thinks he knows everything. Is this pompous idiot saying he's better than everyone else because he's reading a book instead of watching tv? And doesn't this guy know book clubs are boring. Book clubs are what you find in boring places like Reston.

Tell me you are planning to tour Ireland next year to research your genealogy.
Brag, brag, brag. We get it, you're rich and can afford to travel. I haven't travelled much yet so how am I going to fit into this conversation when it's my turn to chime in?

Tell me the artichoke dip from Clyde's gives you bad gas.
Oh geez, that's too much information buddy... and am I supposed to talk about what gives me gas now?

[eyeball]

Originally Posted by normie

If not... what other shallow things do Northern Virginians use to define themselves?

Single: Metro stop, car, bars within walking distance (I think, but it's been a while since I fell into this category)
.
Married/kids: Zip code and school pyramid.

[Yankeesfan]

Normie captured it exactly. We had a poster recently who wrote off all the mothers in Ashburn because she presumed they were incapable of talking about anything but their children, their recipes, and their minivans. So apparently if people talk about anything of substance they'll offend Scran-Barre (because he feels insecure) and if they talk about the "fluff" he wants to hear about they'll offend the "renegade mom" or whatever it was she called herself (because she feels superior).

It's a conversation. No need to be judgmental. Since a lot of people spend a third of their lives at their office, why shut them down just because a 22-year-old feels like he doesn't measure up? I enjoy finding out what people do, whether they want to talk about work, home, or outside activities and then let the conversation move from there. Yes, there are braggarts and yes, there are bores, so if you find someone to be one just tactfully move on to someone else. But I don't think because someone makes more money or has a higher level of education doesn't mean they automatically fall into either category.

[novahousehunter]

I do see both sides of this.

I always thought of "where did you go to school" as the same as "where are you from" in terms of small talk. Until I had a boyfriend who didn't go to college (or even finish high school). He couldn't have cared less--he had a job he loved, he made way more money than I did with my degrees--but it was clear that some of the small talkers were writing us both off right there, not just asking to ask.

The defining yourself by your job thing is common in NoVA IMO b/c of the rich/educated crowd. In more working class communities, you're right, nobody goes to a party and talks about their work as a truck driver or a landscaper all night. Everyone accepts that everyone has a job to pay the bills, and what that job is does not define who you are.

I've lived in both kind of places and there are pros and cons to each. I'd like to say that I roll well with both circles having grown up in one and moved to another, but I think over time when I go home I'm becoming perceived as the girl who went to school and moved to the city and is all city-like now.

[bmwguydc]

There's an easy way to deflect the work question, since there are some people who do not wish to discuss what they do, especially since this is DC. All you have to do is give a cryptic answer, such as "Oh, I am always bogged down with some sort of investigative work," and say something like, "Well, that's about all I can say on the subject." The mystery will kill people if they think that you have a better job than they do.

Frankly, people who speak of nothing but their work are bores. And, I have noticed an inverse situation to the level of achievement and accomplishment -- people in the middle management act as if they command the world, yet those with real power do not.

Cars are not the driving force here, since you will find people with significant assets driving around in a 10-year-old Mercedes, whereas I have seen administrative assistants drive around in a newer C-Class (generally leased) to try to impress people with their "wealth."

[Caladium]

Originally Posted by bmwguydc

I have noticed an inverse situation to the level of achievement and accomplishment -- people in the middle management act as if they command the world, yet those with real power do not.

This may be the truest, most insightful thing I have ever read on this forum. I've often noticed the same thing. Truly important people don't need to impress other people, in fact a lot of times they value their privacy and enjoy the anonymity of not telling you what they do.

Originally Posted by bmwguydc

All you have to do is give a cryptic answer, such as "Oh, I am always bogged down with some sort of investigative work," and say something like, "Well, that's about all I can say on the subject." The mystery will kill people if they think that you have a better job than they do.

LOL, that's what I do. Give 'em the old "Gee I'd love to tell you, but then I'd have to kill you..." routine.

I had a chuckle at the thought that a landscaper would not feel comfortable talking about his work at a party. Guess everyone is interested in different things. Landscaping is one of my favorite topics and whenever I meet someone who's a professional and really knows about plants I can talk to them all night. IT workers are the ones who bore me. There's just nothing interesting about software development, IMO.

[Caladium]

One thing I've always found interesting about this forum--I don't know what most of you do for a living or how much money you make. Even though I've been talking with some of you on more or less a daily basis for almost 3 years now. To me that shows that plenty of Virginians know how to have conversations about things other than their jobs and how much money they make.

[Caladium]

Originally Posted by Yankeesfan

Yes, there are braggarts and yes, there are bores, so if you find someone to be one just tactfully move on to someone else. But I don't think because someone makes more money or has a higher level of education doesn't mean they automatically fall into either category.

Amen! Nicely said.