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The thread on tantrums made me think that perhaps people would appreciate this. It was originally gathered from many people, beginning on parenting forums on usenet (misc.kids, alt.parenting) and then on babycenter's positive parenting forum. This is the short compilation of our principles.
Positive Parenting Methods
First and foremost, model the behavior you want your child to emulate. Children learn what they live. Teach by example, not words.
Second, assume your child is good even when he misbehaves. Understand that his actions have an underlying developmental reason.
Third, state your rules and requests in positive ways, not negative ones. Redirect her to things she can do rather than trying to keep her away from things without alternatives. Keep "nos" to a minimum.
Fourth, explain. Make sure you have his attention. You may need to go closer to him, to touch his shoulder, to look directly in his eyes.
Fifth, always try to look for the underlying cause of the behavior and address that so that the need is actually met in acceptable ways. Give her choices
between many things that are acceptable to you
Sixth, give him warnings of transitions so that they become easier to manage. Children, like adults, need to complete activities they are absorbed in.
Seventh, allow for time-outs when your emotions or hers are out of control. Time-outs can be used non-punitively to allow both the adult and child to
regain control of their emotions. Teach her to count to 10, to breathe, to walk away by modelling the techniques you use to manage your anger. (more on teaching self-calming and anger management techniques in another post)
Eighth, say what you mean and mean what you say. Don't give a lot of warnings, give one and then act. Give him time to comply, but follow through.
Ninth, plan for situations before they arise. Try to stay calm yourself. Allow her to vent her feelings and accept them.
Tenth, as your child grows, involve him in making the rules and choosing the consequences for breaking them Brainstorm and problem solve with him.
Eleventh, make amends when you make a mistake. Apologize to your child when you have made a mistake. Accept his apologies gracefully as well.
Twelfth, give your child responsibility for real tasks that help make your family work, keeping the chores within her developmental stage and allowing
her input into what the chores should be and when to do them.
We did not do *punitive* time-outs, but time-outs that the child controls as in *you can come back to the group when you are calm* serve the purpose of teaching your child how to calm down and rejoin the family when s/he is able to control the strong emotions that are causing the tantrum.
well maybe we called it a different thing.
We just say, go to your room, and don't come out until you check your attitude!
....and once and a while the child had to be carried to the room, but then would hear all the fun in the other room and come out quickly!!...........
Oh I am so glad the boys are older now...........................
Third, state your rules and requests in positive ways, not negative ones.
Regardless of what else anyone thinks about anything else in the post, I want to say this has been the best piece of advice ever when dealing with children. I heard it a long time ago and since I had never worked with kids before having any, I had not learned this through experience.
Their attention spans are incredibly short, and when they hear the word don't, their sense of hearing seems to get impaired.
It saves my breath and sanity to tell them what to do when they are not doing something right, than it does to say "don't.....".
At the pool, the long-suffering lifeguards dealing with the kids learn to say "walk" instead of "don't run", and IMO, it helps.
It really has worked out much better for me to use as few words as possible and phrase things as I want them, instead of what is being done wrong -
eg - kids voices are getting too loud - I say "quieter voice or go outside" instead of what I really want to say which would be "You are getting too loud. That is not the way we talk indoors. Go outside if you want to be loud" (yes, I ramble on a lot when I start talking, if you had not noticed by the way I ramble in in my postings)
The thread on tantrums made me think that perhaps people would appreciate this. It was originally gathered from many people, beginning on parenting forums on usenet (misc.kids, alt.parenting) and then on babycenter's positive parenting forum. This is the short compilation of our principles.
Positive Parenting Methods
First and foremost, model the behavior you want your child to emulate. Children learn what they live. Teach by example, not words.
Second, assume your child is good even when he misbehaves. Understand that his actions have an underlying developmental reason.
Third, state your rules and requests in positive ways, not negative ones. Redirect her to things she can do rather than trying to keep her away from things without alternatives. Keep "nos" to a minimum.
Fourth, explain. Make sure you have his attention. You may need to go closer to him, to touch his shoulder, to look directly in his eyes.
Fifth, always try to look for the underlying cause of the behavior and address that so that the need is actually met in acceptable ways. Give her choices
between many things that are acceptable to you
Sixth, give him warnings of transitions so that they become easier to manage. Children, like adults, need to complete activities they are absorbed in.
Seventh, allow for time-outs when your emotions or hers are out of control. Time-outs can be used non-punitively to allow both the adult and child to
regain control of their emotions. Teach her to count to 10, to breathe, to walk away by modelling the techniques you use to manage your anger. (more on teaching self-calming and anger management techniques in another post)
Eighth, say what you mean and mean what you say. Don't give a lot of warnings, give one and then act. Give him time to comply, but follow through.
Ninth, plan for situations before they arise. Try to stay calm yourself. Allow her to vent her feelings and accept them.
Tenth, as your child grows, involve him in making the rules and choosing the consequences for breaking them Brainstorm and problem solve with him.
Eleventh, make amends when you make a mistake. Apologize to your child when you have made a mistake. Accept his apologies gracefully as well.
Twelfth, give your child responsibility for real tasks that help make your family work, keeping the chores within her developmental stage and allowing
her input into what the chores should be and when to do them.
Thirteenth, Have your offspring's crown dusted three times a week and clean their purple velvet robes once a week.
Fourteenth, when one puts his/her children on a pedestal, especially a high one, the parents usually regret it in one way or another.
Nothing in the above post puts children on a pedestal...nor is it treating them like royalty.
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