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I think it speaks to the character of the kid.
A liar is a liar.
I totally disagree. I strongly believe a lying child speaks to the character of the parents.
My parents raised us to tell the truth, by not punishing us if we told the truth. We would tell the truth because we knew there would be a punishment if we lied. I raised my children the same way. They don't lie to me because I don't make it uncomfortable for them to tell me the truth.
But there are parents who make children miserable for telling the truth, by punishing harshly or lecturing rudely. That causes children to be avoidant of conflict with the parents and the children lie to avoid uncomfortable situations.
If a child is lying, it's because a parent makes it too difficult for a child to tell the truth. The parents haven't gained their children's trust.
Quote:
Originally Posted by txtqueen
Hypothetical situation: Adult child doesn't tell parents s/he is dating because they know the parent would start problems and become overbearing.
Or
An adult child hides something from a parent for fear of judgment?
I see no reason to lie. You are an adult. You can simply say "It's none of your business."
Quote:
Originally Posted by txtqueen
Do those situations warrant the kid having poor character?
It's an indication of an unhealthy relationship between parents and an adult child.
At some point, the adult child needs to recognize that he/she is an adult and stop behaving as a child. Stop avoiding uncomfortable situations by lying.
As an adult, you have a responsibility for your own integrity. You can no longer blame it on bad parenting because you are not being parented anymore.
No matter how anyone is raised, every adult is ultimately responsible for sifting through the bullsh@t and establishing their own healthy identities.
My parents raised us to tell the truth, by not punishing us if we told the truth. We would tell the truth because we knew there would be a punishment if we lied. I raised my children the same way. They don't lie to me because I don't make it uncomfortable for them to tell me the truth.
But there are parents who make children miserable for telling the truth, by punishing harshly or lecturing rudely. That causes children to be avoidant of conflict with the parents and the children lie to avoid uncomfortable situations.
If a child is lying, it's because a parent makes it too difficult for a child to tell the truth. The parents haven't gained their children's trust.
So your child does something wrong but because they tell you...there is no consequence???
Here's a thought....if you have to lie about it....don't do it...
A liar is a liar......no one to blame but themselves.
The consequences are worse in my home for any lie, and at 8 & 10, my kids know that. At times, we used 'writing sentences' to help them 'remember' not to lie, other times they've lost privileges. Always, it's severe. I don't tolerate liars. And if I catch a 'friend' or other family member lying to me, I'm not quiet about it, or I sever the relationship. I grew up in a family of liars & manipulators. I'm not raising a new generation of them!
If someone is over 18, still living under mom and dad's roof, then they are still subject to the rules the parents lay out. If they aren't okay with that, then they should act like the adults they think they are and go support themselves.
So your child does something wrong but because they tell you...there is no consequence???
I didn't go into detail because it's complex and depends on how the truth is told.
TRUTH TOLD WITHOUT PARENT HAVING PRIOR KNOWLEDGE:
My parents always told us they wanted to hear from us first---they didn't want to find out what we did wrong from someone else or on their own. If we came to our parents and told them what we had done, there would be no punishment whatsoever except a family discussion about how to handle the situation, how to avoid it in the future, how to make smarter choices, etc.
I gotta tell you, this approach is a miracle worker! As young children, my children would RUN home to tell me what they did wrong because they feared my finding out from someone else! It was hillarious! At those ages, it was always little stuff since they were just little kids. But it pathed the way for later years when they were teens with bigger troubles. They learned at a young age that they could trust us with the truth, just as my parents had done.
TRUTH TOLD WITH PARENTS HAVING SOME KNOWLEDGE:
The consequence is minimal compared to the consequence of lying and slightly reduced compared to the normal punishment for the act for telling the truth. The punishment for lying is extraordinarily harsh compared to the normal consequences. For telling the truth, you get a reduced consequence from the normal consequence you would have received if you were caught red handed.
Here's an example:
A parent is planning to take a cell phone away for three months due to a teen doing X, Y or Z.
When the parent confronts the teen about X, Y or Z and the teen lies, the cell phone is taken away permanently for lying.
OR
When the parent confronts the teen about X, Y or Z and the teen tells the truth, the cell phone is taken away for a month---along with praise for telling the truth.
With either type of situation, the most important part is not freaking out when being told the truth. My parents were fantastic under pressure. I could always count on them to keep their wits about them when they were faced with crisis. Maybe they learned it from their parents (like I did) or maybe it was due my mother's professional training as a nurse to remain calm. However they learned the skill, my parents never made it torturous to go to them.
I've always admired and respected my parents for being the type of parents I could count on in a crisis. They were the calmest during the absolute worst things. They might have nagged like regular parents about little things, like not doing chores or missing the school bus, but if I went to my parents with a WOPPER of a problem, they were calm as could be!
I use to warn my kids that lying only made a bad situation worse and the lies usually got them into more trouble than what they were lying about would have..
Kids are kids though and just don't want their parents to know everything. MY daughter use to have a "give away" when she was telling a lie so I knew instantly when she was telling me a lie.. I never told her until she was grown how I ALWAYS knew when she was lying and she was SO shocked. She had always wondered how I knew!
i totally disagree. I strongly believe a lying child speaks to the character of the parents.
My parents raised us to tell the truth, by not punishing us if we told the truth. We would tell the truth because we knew there would be a punishment if we lied. I raised my children the same way. They don't lie to me because i don't make it uncomfortable for them to tell me the truth.
But there are parents who make children miserable for telling the truth, by punishing harshly or lecturing rudely. That causes children to be avoidant of conflict with the parents and the children lie to avoid uncomfortable situations.
If a child is lying, it's because a parent makes it too difficult for a child to tell the truth. The parents haven't gained their children's trust.
I see no reason to lie. You are an adult. You can simply say "it's none of your business."
it's an indication of an unhealthy relationship between parents and an adult child.
At some point, the adult child needs to recognize that he/she is an adult and stop behaving as a child. Stop avoiding uncomfortable situations by lying.
As an adult, you have a responsibility for your own integrity. You can no longer blame it on bad parenting because you are not being parented anymore.
No matter how anyone is raised, every adult is ultimately responsible for sifting through the bullsh@t and establishing their own healthy identities.
I want to know what you guys think about kids lying to their parents for various reasons:
-Lying to avoid getting in trouble
-Lying to avoid conflict
-Lying to avoid an argument
-Lying to avoid getting a no answer
-Lying to avoid parents being too involved.
I won't say what's sparking this question but do you ever think it's ok for teens/young adults to lie to their parents for any reason?
And what would you do if you found out your teen/young adult was lying to you for any reason?
And I'm talking about 18 and older here, but i'll include 16 and 17 for kicks and giggles.
Lying is not acceptable. If an adult doesn't want their parents to know something they can refrain from mentioning something but outright lies will not be tolerated in our home.
An adult should not have to worry about "getting in trouble". They are an adult.
An adult should not lie to avoid conflict. That's not a very adult way to handle things. If you are an adult deal with the conflict.
You can't have an argument if you don't argue. Don't participate in the argument if you don't want to participate. But don't lie. That's what kids do, not adults.
Adults should not lie to avoid getting a no answer. Don't ask a question if you don't want a no answer. But if someone asks you a question you need to be honest.
If your parents ask a question that you are not comfortable answering you should state that you are not comfortable answering. But don't lie.
Lying is a character flaw. If our young adult child felt the need to lie to us we would question why they were still living in our house. Parents do not need to know every detail about an adult child's life BUT an adult should be adult enough to tell their parents that. Lying to get out of a difficult situation is a sign of emotional immaturity.
I think the real question is what is lying. I can't believe how many self righteous people post things on this board.
Someone gets a terrible haircut and ask your opinion and you say what?
Wife asks how something looks on her and you say what?
Many of you who posted probably lie on a regular basis but don't consider it lying.
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