Activities are great but the philosophy of, "keeping them too busy to think about sex," is positively Victorian and unrealistic. Sports are a good way to work off extra energy and build confidence, but they can also tell some kids that they can't achieve as much as other athletically inclined kids and it can hurt their self-esteem. Some people are just never good at sports either because they're uncoordinated or just don't have the body type for the popular school sports. Too, the other people playing those sports makes a difference. Many parents push and push and push their kids to be uber-competitive in sports, encouraging their kids to either beat everyone else or fail. Those kids are usually the biggest jerks in school making sports unpleasant for the other kids, particularly the less athletically inclined.
As I see it, when it comes to sports, I as a parent can't live through my sons. I can help them prepare to succeed, but can't succeed for them. I tell them to do what they enjoy doing and competing in but commit to what you do. Better yourself and don't worry about Biff and Chad and Troy. Follow those you respect or lead yourself and you won't be disappointed.
I think you should gently suggest to your husband that now is a good time to get into details about puberty, sexuality, and girls. I started puberty at 11 even though the changes weren't visible (unless I was nekkid
) until I was 15 or so. Not to be rude, but my first ejaculation was two months after my 12th birthday and my father didn't try to give me, "The Talk," until I was 15!! Ugh. In fairness though, I was very ashamed about being an early bloomer so I didn't wear shorts or show my armpits until that age. I even worked to keep my voice from breaking so I wouldn't stand out. My father was largely absent through most of my early life and he had lousy self-esteem which transferred to me. Took me a long time to get over that and I actively work to not pass on those insecurities.
Most boys go through a stage where they focus their sexual attentions on bonding with other guys. Girls are unknown, usually more mature, and pretty scary at 12 so guys talk to each other about what's going on with girls and what's happening to their bodies and brains. Once they're assured that they're like all the other guys and they begin to gain some confidence, then they start focusing on the girls directly. Usually relations with girls are more superficial up to that point. Unfortunately for boys, their bodies outgrow their brains and they go through a whole klutzy phase during the first growth spurt when their brains physically have less control over movement.
Male hormone surges are intense, usually very sudden, and result in erections at the most inopportune times. It's a very confusing point in life and so many things run through your head.
'I got hard when I was swimming! I just know everyone saw it! I want to die.'
'I started thinking about sex when I saw another guy!! Am I gay??'
'Tom has hair in his armpits but I don't. Why aren't I like him? Will I catch up?'
'I have hair in my armpits but nobody else does. I'm going to stick-out!'
'I don't have hair in my armpits but everybody else does. I'm never going to develop!'
Don't EVEN get started on the whole other size issue. Something like 60% of men think they are too small and guys hate to discuss the issue even with each other. At an age where you're desperate to fit in and just be normal; to feel as though you don't measure-up is awful because there's not much you can do about it and some guys just always lag behind other guys. Like girls, guys are constantly comparing their physical development to their peers and moreso now than ever. To add insult to injury, there are growers and show-ers. Though the great majority of guys will wind up with about the same size penis, some guys just plain hang longer than others even though they won't gain nearly as much during the erection process as the guys who are, as we called them, "turtles." Interestingly, nobody was teased for being uncircumsized. It was a non-sequiter but that may be because we had a lot of foreign-born students so it wasn't just one or two guys.
Unlike when I was growing-up, girls are a lot more sexually forward toward boys and, at the same time, boys are becoming more self-concious about their appearance and development. An interesting corollary to this is that now boys suffer from bullemia and anorexia at about the same rate as girls. The pressure to look good, to have a built, well-toned body, and to dress for sexual appeal is much greater than it used to be and these factors are having a big impact on how boys are now experiencing adolescence. Note how many boys either shower in their underwear or won't use gang showers at all, ever, even though they were the norm for ages. Schools are even remodeling their gyms to provide privacy when changing and showering. Not to sound ancient, but...
back when I was that age... the first few times being naked with a whole lot of other, most much older and developed, were stressful, but after that it was no big deal.
'
It's very important for you and your husband to set a good example and be open about what's going in your son's life. I was a good kid, respectful, didn't do drugs, got good grades, hung-out with a good crowd, but I also first had sex with a girl at 12 and with another guy at 13 and by the time I was 18 had smoked a lot of pot, taken mushrooms and cocaine, and enjoyed drinking at parties. All the while I was a good kid. It didn't interfere with my school work, I was responsible about driving, had good summer and vacation jobs, didn't dress like a stoner, and knew how to moderate myself. My parents had no idea I was doing any of this stuff
however, even though I realize now that I made some poor choices, the example my parents set did make a big difference in the path I took. I could have become a loser stoner but I wasn't and neither were my friends. We had good parents and that made a big difference in how we turned out versus some of the other kids.
I think there's resistance on the part of we parents to see our kids as independent beings. It's scary to think my kids are getting sexual urges, healthy and normal as they are. It's imperative to have an open line of communication throughout childhood because when they turn inward during adolescence, the biggest indicator of BS is when parents say one thing but do another. They're going through a whole process of not only building an entirely new body, but a whole independent and adult-thinking brain and, if you remember, the process isn't smooth at all. It's awful! New behaviors, expectations, feelings, relationships, all topped off with acne, hormones, bodies that don't always do what they're told, an opposite sex that's developing at an entirely different pace, and a desperate need to walk the fine line between expressing that new you and fitting in with your peers. No wonder teens sleep so much!
This is the point in your son's life when everything you've done the previous 12 years comes to the fore because, for a while, you'll be the people he relates to the least. If you're lucky and you've kept-up communication, expressed your love and support for him, he'll be less distant than usual, but make no mistake, peers and independent self-discovery will be the primary focus of his life for the next 8-10 years or so.
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and he has never stopped showing interest. I think it is a good idea to keep teenage or preteen boys occupied with activities. Good luck
. For MOST kids at this age having a 'boyfriend' or 'girlfriend' means they say hi in the hallway and MAYBE sit by each other at lunch. Obviously some are more involved but for the most part I wouldn't worry about it. There were plenty of 12 year old boys sniffing around my DD this year, she wasn't interested and that has pretty much been it.
