Toddlers taking toys from each other, especially from my toddler (teaching, babies)
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I was showing my husband video that I shot at a party. I was also watching it for the first time. One in particular bothered him and he wants me to do *something* about it.
All I remembered about this incident was that my daughter fell (she's 1.5 years old), turned around to look at me and THEN started crying. Another child and mother were standing opposite of her but there was no clear shot of them from my point-of-view. The mother asked me, "Why is she crying? Maybe she hit herself on this lever." Anyway, I didn't think much of it and I am not going to get worked up over it.
On the video, it clearly shows that my daughter had a toy. She turned so that her back was to the video. The other child that I mentioned in the previous paragraph took the toy from her and, according to my husband, pushed her down as well. None of this can be seen from the video but he feels like the body movements support his assumptions
The thing is that my daughter mostly allows children to take toys from her. She sometimes throws them down on the ground if she sees a child approaching her. Lately, shes gotten to a point where she runs away while also saying, "Na, NA, Na!" because she doesn't want to give up.
Now my husband wants me to interfere. His reason is that when our daughter takes a toy that belongs to somebody else, usually from the ground and rarely from the child's hands, and the other child wants it back, we make her give it up and we do not drag it on, ESPECIALLY, if the parent shows no signs of offering an alternative to their child.
The dialog might go, "That is her toy, now give it back." We will even pull the toy out of her hand if she shows no signs of giving it back.
However, some parents will show a poor attempt at returning a toy that was taken from my daughter AND belongs to my daughter. They will "ask" their child to return it but not do much else. Most of the time I just say, "Its okay, DD can play with another toy." My take is that these are toddlers and they are just learning.
Now my husband decided that we will not offer my daughter an alternative if somebody takes her toy, the other child HAS to return her toy. ETA: We would not do this to children whose parents do the same as we do but there aren't that many. I am not sure how to do this in a socially acceptable way. I was thinking that I would simply tell my daughter, "Go get your toy back."
But then this doesn't address the fact that she almost always loses the toy to the other child in the first place. My only solution was to tell her "Hold on to your toy." Obviously, these are phrases that I would have to use on a daily basis until she gets it.
Help! Am I teaching my daughter to be push over? I figured I could wait until she was older to tell her these things but my husband says that since other kids show, in his words "aggressive" behavior, I say "assertive", and they are the same age, she needs to show assertiveness as well.
Now my husband decided that we will not offer my daughter an alternative if somebody takes her toy, the other child HAS to return her toy.
Or what?
Unfortunately, you cannot control another child's behavior. You can control (to some extent) either your own child's behavior or her reaction to others' behavior but you cannot make someone else's child return a toy.
You can teach your child that it is ok to say "no" and it is appropriate to ask a child who has taken a toy to return it - but those things are more likely to take place later. 1 1/2 is still very young.
Unfortunately, you cannot control another child's behavior. You can control (to some extent) either your own child's behavior or her reaction to others' behavior but you cannot make someone else's child return a toy.
You can teach your child that it is ok to say "no" and it is appropriate to ask a child who has taken a toy to return it - but those things are more likely to take place later. 1 1/2 is still very young.
That is what I was thinking. First of all, since they are toddlers adults tend to stay close. But once they become older and can play a little further off, we are not going to be around to see who is taking toys from who.
There is no "or what?" I wouldn't *make* the other child return the toy as in taking it from their hands but I have taken a toy from my daughter. I think where my husband is coming from is that it mainly depends on my behavior. I am too quick to *help* the other child out. In other words, I am trying to please the other child.
My take is just to keep on doing what I was doing and wait till my daughter is older.
Babies have no concept of what it means to share. That being said, if the toy belongs to your daughter, your daughter does not have give it up happily. If someone wanted to borrow your car, would you hand them the keys? Certainly not, and you aren't required to.
I'd let her figure it out on her own, at least for a while. If she wants something badly enough, she will fight for it, and should. If she doesn't care so much, she'll let it go to the other child.
It's important for children to learn how to take care of themselves ON THEIR OWN. Parents have a difficult time accepting it, but conflict resolution takes place WITHOUT adult intervention more effectively and kids learn valuable lessons as a result.
Your daughter will figure out that if she wants something that belongs to her, she needs to hold on to it. If she wants something that belongs to someone else, she will learn to ask for it.
I remember an old email or letter about toddlers and toys that went something like this:
If it's mine, it's mine
If I think it is mine, it's mine
If I looked at it is mine
If I gave it to you, it is still mine...
It went on for many more lines but you get the idea. Toddlers have NO CONCEPT of sharing. They don't even really play with each other at this age-they play NEXT to each other. They don't understand why it is wrong to take a toy from another child. Understanding HOW they thing makes it a lot easier to deal with them.
If your child takes a toy from another child you take it from their hand, tell them that it is not ok to take a toy and then hand your child another toy. If they have a tantrum because of this, you take them out of the room to finish their tantrum. Do they understand this, no, but it lays the foundation for when they CAN understand this and know how to act.
No one likes to see their child wronged but, deal with it. It's life.
Babies have no concept of what it means to share. That being said, if the toy belongs to your daughter, your daughter does not have give it up happily. If someone wanted to borrow your car, would you hand them the keys? Certainly not, and you aren't required to.
I'd let her figure it out on her own, at least for a while. If she wants something badly enough, she will fight for it, and should. If she doesn't care so much, she'll let it go to the other child.
It's important for children to learn how to take care of themselves ON THEIR OWN. Parents have a difficult time accepting it, but conflict resolution takes place WITHOUT adult intervention more effectively and kids learn valuable lessons as a result.
Your daughter will figure out that if she wants something that belongs to her, she needs to hold on to it. If she wants something that belongs to someone else, she will learn to ask for it.
Exactly what I was thinking.
I think it is hard for my husband to see his daughter get pushed down. It doesn't upset us that her toy gets taken away from her but he feels that this is where the opportunity arises to "stick up for her." This is where I disagree and it is starting to sound like others who set up situations to teach their child that the world is unfair.
Since I am with her all the time I have seen her get better about keeping a toy even if her solution is to run away while yelling "Na, na, na!". But she is figuring things out by herself so far and that is the best way to learn.
I remember an old email or letter about toddlers and toys that went something like this:
If it's mine, it's mine
If I think it is mine, it's mine
If I looked at it is mine
If I gave it to you, it is still mine...
It went on for many more lines but you get the idea. Toddlers have NO CONCEPT of sharing. They don't even really play with each other at this age-they play NEXT to each other. They don't understand why it is wrong to take a toy from another child. Understanding HOW they thing makes it a lot easier to deal with them.
If your child takes a toy from another child you take it from their hand, tell them that it is not ok to take a toy and then hand your child another toy. If they have a tantrum because of this, you take them out of the room to finish their tantrum. Do they understand this, no, but it lays the foundation for when they CAN understand this and know how to act.
No one likes to see their child wronged but, deal with it. It's life.
That is soooo cute and so true!
Okay, the bolded area. I do this! Its is other parents who don't and I really don't expect anything from them. I give my daughter an alternative. My husband however wants me to start sending *signals* that we are not going to please their child and that their child has to return the toy. He believes that by giving in to the other child, in other words, not making them return a toy, we are teaching our daughter to be a push over.
I think you are doing the right thing, this is how toddlers socialize, and it's important for you not to intervene unless they are being hurt. Playgroups are great for toddlers because IMO it helps them with their social skills. We no longer have large families for them to practice their social skills on. I remember when I first started playgroups I always felt like my kids were being picked on. It didn't take more than a few gatherings for my children to begin to be more assertive, and yes there was lots of grabbing and crying, but it's all normal stuff.
I agree with golfgal's suggestion on this one, and think your husband is overreacting and is suggesting the wrong way out of the problem. I sometimes see those overly pushy parents, and mentally roll my eyes. Kids need to learn how to work things out themselves, and as long as you're helping guide her in the "rules" of the playground (or party, or wherever) then she'll learn how to assert herself soon enough. If you step in to become the parental enforcer whenever she doesn't get her way then the message will be "run to mommy and daddy anytime I don't get my way." That's setting her up for problems. I think you're doing the right thing, and think your husband should calm down.
I agree with golfgal's suggestion on this one, and think your husband is overreacting and is suggesting the wrong way out of the problem. I sometimes see those overly pushy parents, and mentally roll my eyes. Kids need to learn how to work things out themselves, and as long as you're helping guide her in the "rules" of the playground (or party, or wherever) then she'll learn how to assert herself soon enough. If you step in to become the parental enforcer whenever she doesn't get her way then the message will be "run to mommy and daddy anytime I don't get my way." That's setting her up for problems. I think you're doing the right thing, and think your husband should calm down.
I think my husband assumes that because other children are assertive, the parent must be doing something different than I am which is the reason for his suggestions. But I know this to not be true. I know a boy younger than my toddler who always tries to take her toys and his parents always make him return it back. Everything comes when they are developmentally ready and it doesn't help for parents to want something form their child simply because other kids possess that character trait.
What I don't want is for my daughter growing up expecting other parents to *correct* their child's behavior. I don't want her growing up expecting anything from other people.
Last edited by crisan; 10-30-2010 at 08:34 AM..
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while yelling "Na, na, na!". But she is figuring things out by herself so far and that is the best way to learn.
He believes that by giving in to the other child, in other words, not making them return a toy, we are teaching our daughter to be a push over.
