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Last night I found out that my son and his girlfriend (also 14) had recently had sex. It was the first time for both of them and they did NOT use protection. They have been dating for almost a year and I thought that I was doing the right thing by letting them see each other, thinking that they would not sneak around to do things, but obviously I was wrong.
I gave my son a talk by himself, and then we went to her house and I gave them both a talk together. They just sat there with nothing to say. I was really upset that they didn't wait, but I'm even more upset at the fact that they didn't use protection and they KNOW the consequences of that.
I am very concerned about this. First of all, this girl wants nothing out of life. She does not go to school and I suspect that she is trying to get pregnant so that her and my son will stay together. My son thinks that he's so "in love" with her, so I think that he will do whatever to make her happy. Including having unprotected sex and risking getting her pregnant.
I asked him what would happen if she was pregnant and he says that having a baby would change their lives, but it wouldn't ruin it. WHAT??? I'm thinking where's my son?? I did not raise him to think that having a baby at 14 years old is OK!!
Now I'm thinking that I really made the wrong decision with letting him spend so much time around her and her family. I think that he feels an overwhelming amount of acceptance from her and her family and that is making him think that her family and friends are cool. Her mother has 5 kids and is barely making it; 17 year old sister had live in boy friend; and their house is constantly filled with "couples" weather it's an uncle and his wife/girlfriend, etc.
I really need to get my son out of the mindset that this is a normal way of life. He should be more focused on being a teen, not doing what he sees older couples doing. He has a lot of respect for me, but with him spending so much time at his girlfriend's house, I think that his mindset is beginning to change for the worse.
How do you explain to a teen who thinks something is so "cool" that this is not the road that they should head down? I have been trying to hold back from talking bad about her and her family, but I think that that is what it is going to take.
Any advice from experienced parents who have gone through this or something similar would be great. Also, I am thinking about if there should be some type of punishment for this, (I'm really thinking about forbidding him to see her for a while) or will that make him just sneak around even more?
Ugh... one of a parent's worse nightmares. I'm sorry you are in this position.
I would make sure he has a variety of condoms available to him. You can't force using them on him, but he defiantely won't use them if he doesn't have any. Unfortunately, they are very likely to continue having sex now that they've done it (at least once that you know of). Teens usually don't go back to holding hands after they've gone that far. Perhaps scare him a little with some education about the diseases that are out there, etc...
How does he get to girlfriend's house? Is it close enough to walk? (I am hoping the answer is "no"). Otherwise, no car rides to or from (either from you OR her family). They want to get together for a "date"... fine - take him to the mall where he can hang out with her in a nice, well-lit, public area. Sounds like all visits need to be restricted to your house because your son is getting wrong ideas about how life should be at her house (from what you said in your OP).
I would hate to have to do this - seems very confrontational to me and I avoid confrontations... but, how about talking to her Mom? Does this woman really want her daughter to live the same life she is? Perhaps the Mom isn't aware that her daughter seems to be trying to get pregnant at the ripe old age of 14.
@ Sabinerose Thank you for your response. Her mother was present lastnight and we both talked to them. She is very aware that her daughter may be trying to get pregnant, because lastnight when we asked her if that's what she was trying to do, she didn't say anything. Her mother seems to be against her daughter getting pregnant and she said that she is going to take her to the doctor and get her on birth control, but I don't really trust that. I am hoping that she will get on the shot, or something else long term, because I do not trust her mother to properly supervise her taking birth control pills correctly. I said that I would get my son condoms (he told me that he would have used protection if he had it). But I made it CLEAR that this does not mean that it's OK for them to have sex.
We live pretty far from her house, but even last night, her mother told me that her daughter WALKS (at least an hour) from her house, to my house and that's how it happened. She told her mother that she was going somewhere else and ended up walking over to my place when I was at work and that's when this first time thing happened.
Needless to say, I am very disappointed at my son for going along with something like this.
Wow I was thinking about some funny post as congratz he had sex.
However:
''I asked him what would happen if she was pregnant and he says that having a baby would change their lives, but it wouldn't ruin it. WHAT??? I'm thinking where's my son?? I did not raise him to think that having a baby at 14 years old is OK!!''
Thats really shocking if he doesnt realize that. A good talk would be good
Ask him if he wants to be a grandfather by the time he's 30. That's the track he's on.
Do some role-playing with him. Have him visit day-cares and go out to apply for jobs. In our state, you can start working at 14--grocery store bagger or movie theater attendant, for example. Have him call to find a pediatrician, etc.
Also point out that if something happened to his girlfriend, he could be a single father at age 15. Or if they don't get married, she could skip town with his child and he would never know what happened.
Wondering how this girl can be only 14 and not be going to school.
Not that it matters, from the sound of it. Doesn't sound like a family to whom education holds any priority. Sad.
Is there someone you could take your son to see so he'd have a first-hand look at what being young parent REALLY means?
I was wondering the same thing. Is there anything out there like a scared straight program for kids who think it's ok to have a baby at 14? Or, if you know a young man that's had to give up all of his dreams in order to support a family, perhaps he could have a talk with your son.
Do you know anybody that owns a restaurant or other type of business that you could have him go dishwash/carwash/dig ditches or any other kind of exhausting manual labor for a day - you could then tell him he needs to get experience in that kind of work in preparation for supporting the child that his girlfriend thinks she wants, as he won't be able to finish his education.
Basically, anything to get it to hit home what a disaster he'll make of his future if he even considers for one second that having a child at his age is a good idea.
Wondering how this girl can be only 14 and not be going to school.
Not that it matters, from the sound of it. Doesn't sound like a family to whom education holds any priority. Sad.
Is there someone you could take your son to see so he'd have a first-hand look at what being young parent REALLY means?
I agree about the no school thing and that is why I don't trust her mother in making sure that she stays on the pill (especially if she's trying to get pregnant) she could easily flush a pill a day down the toilet and her mother would not know.
One of my friend's brothers had a child at 15 years old. I am thinking about calling her and seeing where he is with his life and asking him to talk to my son. I just want to make sure that my son will walk away with a lesson, and not reassurance of his fantasy that teenage pregnancy is OK.
Taking him out to look for jobs and perform hard labor is a good idea. He already knows how hard it is to get a job at his age. Last summer, he applied for a summer job, went through the whole process of getting reference letters from his teachers and interviewing and he did not get the job because so many kids applied....I will have to remind him of that!!
Also, when I was talking to him alone, I asked him if he had money to take care of a baby?? He replied: "No".....Did he know how to take care of a baby??: "No". So I told him, until he has money to take care of a baby AND the mother and get his own place and pay bills....he needs to do everything that he can to NOT have a baby, because I'M not taking care of any babies unless they come from ME. He looked at me with puppy-dog eyes.
Later when we were talking to them both at her mother's house. She said that my son stated that I (me...his mother)would help take care of the baby if she got pregnant!!!! Oh yeah...he's really living in a fantasy land!!
I think that me CLEARLY stating that I would NOT take care of a baby has brought him back to reaility a little, but I feel like I definitely need to do more, to make sure that he's snapped out of it. The boy's head is really off in Wonderland somewhere.
You cannot do anything about the girl and her mother.
Take your son to Walgreens and introduce him to the condom aisle. Right there in front of everybody. Buy the condoms. Take him home and show him how they are used. Have him show you what he learns. Correct him if necessary.
Public library. Books with photos (in color) of how STDs affect the human body. Sit him on the couch with the condoms and the books. (Does he know what an STD is? If not his education needs to start tonight.) HIV/AIDS. Hep C. Tell him everything and tell him, yes, people die from these diseases.
Explain the facts of life to him. Child support. Rent. JOBS. (This will have little effect on him because right now there is only one part of his body that is thinking and it is not his brain.)
Condoms, condoms, condoms. DO NOT rely on this girl or her mother to get "the shot". Ain't going to happen and you don't have any control over them. Zilch.
I'm not condoning your son having sex but that boat has sailed. Short of a religious conversion he is not going to want to stop now.
You have to deal with your son in some pretty firm terms or you are going to be a grandparent in nine months. I'd start with the condoms as a kind of stop-gap measure until you have a way to separate these two. (And if it's not "her" it's going to be another girl.)
He needs a continuing talk on the consequences of his having sex as a 14-year old.
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Oh yeah...he's really living in a fantasy land!!
