14 yo son has had sex for the first time...now what? (daycare, teenage)

[LisaMc46]

I have no experience with parenting teens. My kids are all under 12. But I do have plenty of experience with teen moms, as a volunteer with our local Learning Together program (a program that provides teens with the support they need to earn their GEDS while pregnant or parenting).

If this girl wants to get pregnant, she'll find a way. All of the girls in our program are pregnant by choice. Our local high school gives away birth control as does our Planned Parenthood clinic. Most come from dysfunctional homes and wanted to have a baby so that they would have someone to love them.

In most cases their parents knew they were sexually active and either ignored it, or didn't do anything to stop their destructive behavior.

Please do everything possible to keep your son from getting this girl pregnant. Handing him a condom will not help if she convinces him not to use it. If you have to forbid him from seeing her, so be it. If you have to send him to live with a relative for a few months, do it. Chances are she'll be pregnant by someone else when he returns and he'll be forced to move on.

Teenage pregnancy can have dire consequences for teenage parents and their children. Parents generally don't go to college and end up in dead-end jobs or on TANF (welfare). Kids often end up neglected or abused or living in poverty.

This isn't a time to worry about whether you are being too controlling. Heck, if your child is about to walk off a cliff you would do everything to stop him, wouldn't you? This is just as dangerous.

Good luck. I can't imagine how stressed out you must feel.

[kahncss]

Originally Posted by Hopes

I only read the very first OP, and I was inspired to post right away.

MzSJP,

How can a 14 year old girl not go to school? How can her parents allow that? Sounds like the entire family is low-life trash. Enough said.

Since your son is only 14, you simply must end the relationship and forbid him to be with her. Period.

I'm not suggesting this extreme measure because they had sex. I'm suggesting extreme measures are necessary because he sees nothing wrong with getting a girl pregnant at 14.

That's the end of this relationship--and any relationship--until he has matured into a more responsible teenage who has the good sense to use condoms and not get girls pregnant.

Excellent post! I was thinking the same thing. I would have never allowed him to date at only 13.

[Hopes]

Originally Posted by MzSJP

Later when we were talking to them both at her mother's house. She said that my son stated that I (me...his mother)would help take care of the baby if she got pregnant!!!! Oh yeah...he's really living in a fantasy land!!

I think that me CLEARLY stating that I would NOT take care of a baby has brought him back to reaility a little, but I feel like I definitely need to do more, to make sure that he's snapped out of it. The boy's head is really off in Wonderland somewhere.

You need to understand something very important. If your son gets this girl pregnant, YOU will be paying child support to her mother until your son is 18.

There is NO WAY to legally avoid taking care of your minor child's baby financially.

Originally Posted by FinsterRufus

I know this sucks now, MzSJP, but you've been given an amazing opportunity - to get your son back on the right track BEFORE this girl got pregnant.

This girl might already BE pregnant. All it takes is one time.

Originally Posted by Middlin

I completely understand the idea that if you force them to be apart, it only becomes more Romeo and Juliet drama that 14 year olds live for, BUT, you are the parent and I agree with the other poster, YOU need to control your son's social life.

Agreed. At 14, she truly can have control over his social life. Not only can she, but she should.

Originally Posted by MzSJP

I am at the point where I do not want my son seeing this girl anymore. HOWEVER, they are very deep in "teen love", so I fear that forbidding him from seeing her, cold-turkey, could result in him rebelling through school (right now he's passing all of his classes and not skipping school). I'm afraid that that may change if I go home tonight and tell him that he cannot see her anymore. Even though that is what I want.

You can prohibit him from seeing her. You just need to provide more supervision. Since your son is a latch-key child, you either quit working or hire someone to watch your son after school at your house. When they are teenagers, what you need is called a "mother's helper." It's someone who comes into your home during after school hours and does light household chores while providing supervision to teenagers.

If you insist that you can't end this relationship cold-turkey, then you can go the route my son's friend's parents went and only allow him to see her once a week---on the weekend when you're home and they can only visit each other at your house under your supervision. He's only 14. He shouldn't have much freedom given his sorry state of thinking.

[miyu]

I pray that she does not get pregnant. This will be a life changer.

[DewDropInn]

The more I think about it the more I think you should separate these two ASAP.

Have any relatives (preferably an older male with a booming voice who won't put up with any malarky/back talk) on the other side of the country?

[Ringo1]

I agree with Hopes. He's 14 and does not have the freedom to drive, etc. He should not be seeing her.

As the parent of a teen-age boy; this sounds like a very scary situation. I wish you the best and hope you are able to regain control of this situation.

[FinsterRufus]

Originally Posted by Hopes

This girl might already BE pregnant. All it takes is one time.

Don't facesmack me, please. The OP did not say the girl was pregnant. Therefore, she has an opportunity to fix this with her son BEFORE the worst happened. Which is more opportunity that a lot of parents get. If it turns out that she is already pregnant, then this whole thread is moot.

Whether she does it by scaring him stupid or moving him to the moon, she is giving careful thought to all of her options and now she has a heads up she'll do something about it - unlike this unfortunate girl's parents.

Whatever she does, she needs to do it calmly and rationally, and not just react on an emotional level.

[Hopes]

I'm not facesmacking YOU. I'm facesmacking the SITUATION!

But I am sticking my tounge out at you!

[FinsterRufus]

Well, that's alright then.

Although, The Situation might not appreciate it either.

[Momma_bear]

I think the thing that people are forgetting is that this is a 14 year old child. I am not big on controlling kids all the time. I think that most of the time parents need to allow kids as much room as practical to make their own decisions. However, I do think that in cases where a child is about to put himself in a life changing situation then a parent is well justified in controlling the situation. Controlling one situation is not the same thing as trying to control every aspect of a child's life (although he may not see the difference).

In this situation it is good that the child felt confident enough to talk to his mother. For that reason, I don't think I would forbid all contact with this girl. However, I would make sure that he was supervised in the afternoons after school and make sure that there is ABSOLUTELY no way for them to meet unsupervised. I would allow them to socialize at your house only when you are home. I would also not allow them any privacy.

I assume the kids are freshmen. If the girl does not go to school I would not hesitate to report her to the authorities. Why don't her parents TAKE her to school?