14 yo son has had sex for the first time...now what? (girls, play)
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How is it possible for two kids to have sex in a supervised home? We have 6 kids. The oldest is 19 and none of them have been alone with a girl. Friends come over and guess what they stay in the living room. Also our kids can date when they are older. What is the purpose for a 14 year old to have a steady companion anyway? I have a 13 year old and he has been told along with the others that you don't date untill you are 16 and then in groups. My point is that kids will have sex if they are allowed to be alone with someone. Why allow that? I wouldn't have allowed our sons to see a girl that lives in the same situation as your sons girlfriend. It just wouldn't happen.
1) Inform him about getting a job as he will have to man-up if he's the father.
2) Since he isn't listening to you, have an older cousin, relative or family friend talk to him and give him the staight kid-talk about what it means to have a kid at that age. You have to know *someone* that could give him a good insight that he would respect and listen to.
I am a 26 year old male and have a 9 year old son. The remark your son made sounded just like me when I was 16-17 years old. Looking back now, I can say the same thing you did..."WHAT!!??" But at that time "I knew everything." My parents handled the situation completely wrong in my opinion, but that can vary depending on his personality and yours and your relationship as parent/son. The more my parents pushed, the farther I went down that path. It was as if I had to prove to them that I could do things on my own and make my own decisions...(yes, at 16 years old! haha its funny now). My girlfriend at that time and now mother of my son, was nothing like me and still isn't. She and her family had none of the same values or goals in life, but some how I was in love??? I don't have a good answer for you, but I do know that you need to love and support him in every way possible otherwise you probably will push him away and damage your relationship with your son. Provide him with good advice, educate him, and love him unconditionally and ulitmatley everyone has to make their own choices in life...and he will probably make a good one if you do those things- I think I would have. If not, then just take every precaution you can for a pregnancy not to occur!!! Hopefully he is not in the position I am in now....its no way for anyone to live. Especially the child.
Thank you for your perspective as well. I really do feel that this is the teen "I know it all" phase that he's in. And my mission is to get him through it baby-free. Knowing my son, at this point, I really need to lay down the law. I've tried being nice about it and supporting him in this "relationship" (which I should have forbid from the start), but he's showed me that he can not handle it. Knowing my son, if I continue to just be nice about it then he will continue to push the limit and this girl could end up pregnant. So just talking to him about sex and using potection while still letting him freely see this girl with no set rules (and consequences) is not an option. He knows when he's pushed too far and when I'm at my limit with him...and that's when he usually straightens up. I need to show him that THIS IS the limit and that if he pushes one more time (by sneaking around with this girl and having sex) then there will be H-E-Double-L to pay (them not seeing each other ever again). I will have to take the risk of him rebelling, but it's a risk that I'm willing to take. But again, knowing my son, I honestly believe that we will make it through this (baby-free).
Thanks again!
While I'm here, an update from last night:
I showed him the graphic STD pictures and talked to him about STD's, safe sex, and how it was not smart for him not to use protection. Of course he was disgusted at the pictures and said that they talked about STD's some in 8th grade Health. He said that they talked about not having a condom but they did it without one that time because it was both of their first times and you can only get STD's if you've had sex before. I asked him how does he know that that was really her first time, and he got a little annoyed, but remained open and receptive to what I was saying. I explained that even when he gets older and starts to have sex, it doesn't matter what the girl says, he needs to use a condom regardless...because you never know and he said that he had already said that after that first time, he would always use a condom. I also talked about her getting pregnant and the comment that he made about ME taking care of it. That was also a productive conversation and by the end of it, he was looking me in my eyes and shaking his head in understanding.
Tonight, we are going to tackle the girl's values and her family's values vs. our values, and what he wants out of life. This will be thin ice that I'm walking on, because I saw how he got last night at the mention of his girlfriend not being a virgin. But I am determined to talk (just like last night) and not shut up until I see that light bulb go off in his head.
While I'm here, an update from last night:
I showed him the graphic STD pictures and talked to him about STD's, safe sex, and how it was not smart for him not to use protection. Of course he was disgusted at the pictures and said that they talked about STD's some in 8th grade Health. He said that they talked about not having a condom but they did it without one that time because it was both of their first times and you can only get STD's if you've had sex before. I asked him how does he know that that was really her first time, and he got a little annoyed, but remained open and receptive to what I was saying. I explained that even when he gets older and starts to have sex, it doesn't matter what the girl says, he needs to use a condom regardless...because you never know and he said that he had already said that after that first time, he would always use a condom. I also talked about her getting pregnant and the comment that he made about ME taking care of it. That was also a productive conversation and by the end of it, he was looking me in my eyes and shaking his head in understanding.
Tonight, we are going to tackle the girl's values and her family's values vs. our values, and what he wants out of life. This will be thin ice that I'm walking on, because I saw how he got last night at the mention of his girlfriend not being a virgin. But I am determined to talk (just like last night) and not shut up until I see that light bulb go off in his head.
Good for you MOM... sometimes you have to think for them in order to protect them from their own ignorance!
When my daughter was 14 she wanted to date a 14 year old boy up the street.
I knew this kid and refused to let them date. Found out a month later that they were see each other behind my back.
I call the boys dad and informed him that if he allowed my daughter in his house or to keep seeing my daughter I would cal the police and report his son.
The dad basically blew me off and said he wasn't going to tell his kid who he could date.
I call the police and because my daughter was under 16 they went and told the dad that this was a warning to not allow my daughter in his home and if I call again to complain they were going to arrest the dad for contributing to a minor.
Once the dad realized he would be held accountable he stopped his son from seeing my daughter.
You are right (no husband btw). Now that I know that he would do something like this afterschool, I will be doing my best to make sure that his after school time is full and accounted for. I have a consultation with the alarm company this weekend. I'm thinking about getting a camera in the house so that I can see when he walks in the door. That's just one of the multiple measures that I'm considering.
All good plans worth consideration.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MzSJP
My thing with her parents is that the court thing shows that they will just give her a slap on the wrist about something and then kind of turn a blind eye to it and not even continue to monitor the situation. That's a huge problem.
I think everyone in this thread is totally with you on the thought that this girl and her family are not worthy of your son's association.
Quote:
Originally Posted by britifftay
If not, then just take every precaution you can for a pregnancy not to occur!!!
It's a darn shame there isn't a male birth control shot.
A few years ago we had a neighborhood 17 year old boy get his 18 year old GF pregnant. It almost ruined his life. He cried for days, had to go to a psychologist cause his hyper achieving older sisters called him every name in the book. She graduated from HS and had the baby and her older brother and his wife adopted it. Big mistake.
They didn't even want anymore kids and the poor kid has many problems. she is now 8.
the boy finally graduated but was afraid to go to college cause girl was stalking him.
His parents were young but refused to help with the kid except financially. They ended up spending more than $10,000 the first year on medical, baby gear and everything else. The adopted parents are still pushing for more money. Everybody agrees they should have let the baby be adopted far away.
8 year old girl now knows the circumstances of her birth and is mad at everybody involved, especially her birth mother/aunt, birth father and grandparents. What a mess.
Tonight, we are going to tackle the girl's values and her family's values vs. our values, and what he wants out of life. This will be thin ice that I'm walking on, because I saw how he got last night at the mention of his girlfriend not being a virgin. But I am determined to talk (just like last night) and not shut up until I see that light bulb go off in his head.
Don't even go there! Don't talk down about her. You'll get nowhere doing that. You're asking for trouble.
Instead, do what we suggested and restrict him in stages. Make it his fault for losing the privilege of seeing her.
You need to put your entire focus on your expectations for his behavior, not on how she's not good enough for him, etc.
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