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He is FOURTEEN. Where is he going to go? He is a child and just because he has had sex, doesn't mean the rules of age-appropriate behavior and expectations don't apply.
Would you allow him to view porn? Drink alcohol? What if he has done both before? Does that mean you now allow it, but counsel him to do it "wisely" since the horse has left the barn? I do not think so. Sex and undesireable friends are no different.
You CAN control where he goes and who he sees. If you have the will.
My point is, zentropa, that if you show him the harsh realities of the consequences, he may make that decision for himself and keep making those more responsible choices in the future.
If you just take the approach of controlling his life, which you can't do forever, then what happens when you are no longer in control?
My point is, zentropa, that if you show him the harsh realities of the consequences, he may make that decision for himself and keep making those more responsible choices in the future.
If you just take the approach of controlling his life, which you can't do forever, then what happens when you are no longer in control?
And this is what I live by, you can control someone and make them do what you think is right but what happens when you are no longer there to do so.
Instead of controlling you teach them and they have to come to that realization all on their own for it to be something they continue to do after you no longer can make them do it.
Sorry, but the "banning" advice really won't be effective. Where there's a will there's a way and there isn't much better motivation for a 14 year old boy than a girl who wants to have sex with him. If you outright ban them being together, than you will do nothing but force their relationship underground and become a threat/obstacle to him, not someone he can rely upon for advice and be open and honest with.
I think the education tact is the best approach, coupled with getting him involved in other activities and social circles. What does he like to do, besides see this girl? Try to get him involved in as many things as possible so that his life becomes the impediment to their relationship. If she is as much of a loser harlet as we are all assuming she is, she won't like him not spending as much time with her and will move on to someone who will give her the attention that she wants.
However, you have to deal with the fact that approach may not work either. So, it all goes back to education and making sure he has the protection he needs and it's available. I personally like the STD pictures/videos. My wife did something similar when my SIL started dating and she swears to this day it's why she waited to have sex. Also, you need to remember that you are fighting popular pressure among his peers. Right now he is probably "King Moderator cut: language" among his friends who he has told. Even if he stops now with her, there will still be peer pressure to seek it out again.
Whatever you do, you need to make him comfortable that you are not being judgemental or overreacting. You need to be someone he trusts in these matters. If you feel you can't do that than seek out someone who could fill that role.
Last edited by Green Irish Eyes; 01-10-2011 at 08:07 PM..
Reason: Please use appropriate language
Thanks so much for the continued feedback. It is giving me a lot to consider and think about.
I am at the point where I do not want my son seeing this girl anymore. HOWEVER, they are very deep in "teen love", so I fear that forbidding him from seeing her, cold-turkey, could result in him rebelling through school (right now he's passing all of his classes and not skipping school). I'm afraid that that may change if I go home tonight and tell him that he cannot see her anymore. Even though that is what I want.
I am hoping to maybe talk to him about her life style (not going to school, not caring about anything, maybe trying to get pregnant, etc.) and trying to get him to see that she is not the type of girl that he should be with. He cares about going to school, and gets good grades. He's not sure exactly what he wants to be in life, but he knows that he wants the best out of life. So why would he put all of that in jepoardy to be with a girl who is the complete opposite and will only end up bringing him down?!?
I am thinking about telling him that he cannot see her unless she ATLEAST goes to school every day. If she doesn't want to do it for herself, let's see if she'll do it to be with my son (I really don't think she'll go to school regardless). I'm going to tell him, that I don't think that's an unreasonable request and if she cannot do that, then he shouldn't even want to be with her anyway. Well see how that works out.
My point is, zentropa, that if you show him the harsh realities of the consequences, he may make that decision for himself and keep making those more responsible choices in the future.
If you just take the approach of controlling his life, which you can't do forever, then what happens when you are no longer in control?
I do not think the two approaches are mutually exclusive. I think you can do both, but it is most important to enforce expectations alongside education.
I do not advocate controlling his life "forever" of course. But I think handing a 14 year-old a condom and permitting the relationship with this emotionally immature, uneducated girl to continue sends a terrible message about the low expectations these parents have for this boy.
I think allowing this will set up huge problems for this boy when he is 15, 16, 17 and decides to engage in other adult behaviours.
This is a key moment for this kid--the moment his parents can show him that he is valuable and his future matters and they will fight to make sure he is does not throw it away for the sake of sex. He will carry that message into adulthood.
Thanks so much for the continued feedback. It is giving me a lot to consider and think about.
I am at the point where I do not want my son seeing this girl anymore. HOWEVER, they are very deep in "teen love", so I fear that forbidding him from seeing her, cold-turkey, could result in him rebelling through school (right now he's passing all of his classes and not skipping school). I'm afraid that that may change if I go home tonight and tell him that he cannot see her anymore. Even though that is what I want.
I am hoping to maybe talk to him about her life style (not going to school, not caring about anything, maybe trying to get pregnant, etc.) and trying to get him to see that she is not the type of girl that he should be with. He cares about going to school, and gets good grades. He's not sure exactly what he wants to be in life, but he knows that he wants the best out of life. So why would he put all of that in jepoardy to be with a girl who is the complete opposite and will only end up bringing him down?!?
I am thinking about telling him that he cannot see her unless she ATLEAST goes to school every day. If she doesn't want to do it for herself, let's see if she'll do it to be with my son (I really don't think she'll go to school regardless). I'm going to tell him, that I don't think that's an unreasonable request and if she cannot do that, then he shouldn't even want to be with her anyway. Well see how that works out.
May I suggest a slightly different approach? If you directly attack her character or her choices he will most likely just shut you out and try to defend her, especially if the puppy love is as deep as you suspect. Maybe try an exercise where he lists all the things that he wants in a girlfriend, than expand it to all the traits that he thinks a good wife and/or mother possess. Once he has the list, than have an objective conversation over the traits he has listed. Once you have refined the list, compare that to his current girlfriend. It's all about leading him to the conclusion and realization that she isn't right for him.
My mom never showed me pictures of that kind of stuff, I don't think she ever really talked to me about, which is why I mostly shut down when she tries to do it now, too little too late I guess, its all on me to try to open up.
Anyways you need to find a healthy balance and be realistic, everything needs to be realistic because if you say something out there he'll be even less likely to listen to you.
And don't scar him, what you tell him now could screw him up for the rest of his life and he could grow to have weird aversions to sex and he could be super messed up in the head when it comes to women and never have a normal relationship.
He is not too young to take some visits to college campuses. He can see the fun of college and realize that a baby would take all that away. It makes the goal more tangible.
Thanks so much for the continued feedback. It is giving me a lot to consider and think about.
I am at the point where I do not want my son seeing this girl anymore. HOWEVER, they are very deep in "teen love", so I fear that forbidding him from seeing her, cold-turkey, could result in him rebelling through school (right now he's passing all of his classes and not skipping school). I'm afraid that that may change if I go home tonight and tell him that he cannot see her anymore. Even though that is what I want.
In your shoes, this is exactly what I would do. It may be your only chance to gain control of the situation before it gets totally out of hand. A full court press is needed, so he knows this is a huge big deal and his future is in serious danger.
He will get over his lost love, faster than you think. A few months at most. If you wait, it will be harder.
If he rebels in school, would that be worse than a pregnancy? A future of promiscuity?
You can weather the storm. So what if he gets angry, screams, hates you for awhile, slams doors, stops listening, accuses you of ruining his life. Have the courage to be the parent he needs. That is my advice and I am a parent of 2, ages 19 and 13, so I am no amateur at teen love.
Good luck my dear. I can tell you want to do the right thing and you are a loving and thoughtful parent. I hope I was not too harsh.
May I suggest a slightly different approach? If you directly attack her character or her choices he will most likely just shut you out and try to defend her, especially if the puppy love is as deep as you suspect. Maybe try an exercise where he lists all the things that he wants in a girlfriend, than expand it to all the traits that he thinks a good wife and/or mother possess. Once he has the list, than have an objective conversation over the traits he has listed. Once you have refined the list, compare that to his current girlfriend. It's all about leading him to the conclusion and realization that she isn't right for him.
Yes, that's why I've stopped myself from bad-mouthing her before, but now I feel that it's gotten to the point where I need to put it out there. But your approach does sound a lot more "non-confrontational". I will consider that. Thanks! (but I will still keep the part of her going to school everyday...I think that could be is "aha" moment with her).
Last edited by MzSJP; 01-10-2011 at 03:23 PM..
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