Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
That's a very good point. I know this is a whole can of worms, but do you think we don't expect as much of 18 year olds now as was expected of them in the past? It seems like there are constant threads about young adults still living at home and acting like they're 12. Or threads about parents that can't seem to accept that their children are, at least in the eyes of the law, not children anymore. (This is not directed at you, Chessie).
I think expectations are different, but I also think the context of those expectations is different. A quick stroll through Ancestry-dot-com tells me I had a number of relatives "way back when" who were married and parents at eighteen. (And a quick glance at wedding dates vs birthdates of eldest children shows why, in many cases.) OTOH, those same ancestors died in their fifties and sixties, and-- in my family's case-- mostly lived in a far less sophisticated world.
I'd like a lot more for my children-- and more importantly, they aspire to more-- than working in a coal mine or being a horse trader (or its modern corollary, used car dealer) and having eight kids in rapid succession...which is pretty much what those married-by-twenty ancestors were doing. There are a lot of things that can result from a moment of abject stupidity that will derail that. If my son were stupid enough to lie to me about a beach trip, I'm not convinced he's not stupid enough to metaphorically shoot himself in the foot while he's on that trip. (As for my daughter, she'd probably spend the time lecturing everyone about making stupid choices, and they'd drown her at the first opportunity.)
Originally Posted by Aconite
There's a difference, though, between "trusting 18yos" in general, and trusting them in the specific (and fwiw, I wouldn't encourage my 18yo to go in the military, either, though my 21yo was mature enough to make that decision and do well by it). While in general, eighteen is the age of legal majority, and for many eighteen-year-olds it may be no big deal, a specific eighteen-year-old may simply be too immature, too untrustworthy, or too impulsive to be turned loose with a dozen comrades on an unsuspecting public.
Yes, but how much of this is our fault?
When we as parents do too much for our children and never place responsibility on them, they never grow up.
Well, so far I have half of them out the door, independent, and raising their own families-- and they still speak to me without being bribed, so I'm pretty comfortable as far as that goes.
It was mentioned that a young person can go fight in a war at 18. Yes. But with no draft, any 18-year-old in the military is one who has chosen to take on an adult role. That is not the same as wanting to party.
Plenty of people in the military are interested in partying and "raucousness" alongside their "adult roles." Ask a Marine who's been in Okinawa to tell you about Whisper Alley.
Being realistic, yes, 18 year olds are legal adults and poised to go off to college, unsupervised, where their actions are their own. There they will learn, through a series of steps, how to be a responsible adult. It is a process that unfolds at a nice pace.
Beach week is a unique phenomenon, essentially defined by partying. Kids are thrown, or throw themselves, into a situation with hundreds and hundreds of others their age, all with a singular goal of having the best time possible. That will absolutely include excessive drinking and sex extending over an unusually lengthy period of 6-7 days.
In essence, it is an experience that may only be repeated in intensity 3 or 4 times in one's life. High school parties do not prepare you.
My point is you simply can't compare Beach Week with a typical college weekend or a stint in the military. Those experiences have moderating and limiting factors.
It bears considering before sending your high school graduate into that situation. I think after a year of college, kids would have that much more experience with independent living and consequences of behaviours and choices to keep themselves safe and sane.
he's 18, legally an adult...who are you to trump the law? My mom is legally an adult but right now severely needs to be parented, I don't see my grandmother grounding her or controlling her.
You can't trump someones legal rights just because you are a parent.
Awesome, if he wants to be an adult, then he can pay for everything. Rent, food, car, insurance, college, etc...
If you want to live with me, use my money, then you live by my rules. You want to be grown up, pay for everything yourself.
Trump the law? Did you miss the part about it being against the rental rules?
Exactly. Lots of people are saying, "Let the 18 year old show responsibility." Well just how is it being responsible by having a parent cause fraud on a rental agreement? If they are perpetuating a lie at the outset, that isn't responsible at all. If they were TRULY responsible, they'd find a way to do this within the law.
Awesome, if he wants to be an adult, then he can pay for everything. Rent, food, car, insurance, college, etc...
If you want to live with me, use my money, then you live by my rules. You want to be grown up, pay for everything yourself.
Really? You can't allow your son to be an adult because he uses your money? Why is this always about money? My money, my rules. Did you want him to go to college? Did you agree to support him through it? Then why can't you give a little, and and allow him to be both independent and on the path you would prefer he follow.
It seems heavy handed, to me, to have a young adult go to college and do the things we want them to do, all the while hanging over their heads that until they start earning money they are not capable of making any of their own decisions.
Do we want them to drop out and earn their own living and then and only then give them any respect, or do we want them to get a proper education? Why are the two mutually exclusive? Is there not some kind of middle ground?
Really? You can't allow your son to be an adult because he uses your money? Why is this always about money? My money, my rules.
This isn't just because my fictional son uses $20 here and there. But is completely supported by me.
Yes, if my child wishes to do something that I have said was not a smart idea, to break the law, or to help commit fraud, then yes, I will pull my monetary support away. If this child from the OP gets to go on this trip, her son will help to commit fraud.
But technically, they aren't. You can barter the material stuff in return for their cooperation, and everybody will likely be happy with that arrangement. That's your prerogative. But that does not make them any less adults in the eyes of the law. You don't have any legal right to make decisions about where they go and what they do outside of your house.
That is not the legal criteria for adulthood, no matter how much practical sense it makes. You making the decision to support them past 18 does not make them less autonomous as human beings. They can decide to accept that arrangement with you or not. If they accept that you control their actions in return for your support then that's fine, and probably mutually beneficial. It works both ways. You can decide to pull your support for any reason, as after 18 the law does not require you to give it in any form whatsoever.
I think that's essential for preparing them for the real world.
That's what I'm saying. I don't care if there's a legal right or now, if they rely on me for their support, then that's a very good sign they're accepting some of my control over their actions.
Law or no law, I can tell my kid if they are ever caught drinking in a vehicle I insure or that is in my name, they will never drive a vehicle of mine again. If they're living in my house, eating my food, then they're accepting whatever stipulations go with that.
But yes, once they're on their own, paying their own way for everything then of course I have no control or real say. And they know this - they know that at age 18, they are free to go. Anytime they wish but not if they're 18 and still in high school, they also know they're not going to get far if they drop out and have to work full time to pay their rent somewhere. And they know if they drop out, they're not going to live in my house getting some kind of free ride.
So really until they at least get their diploma, they can still expect to abide by whatever rules I set because when it comes down to it, they have little choice until they get the diploma AND are 18.
I am dealing with a similar situation. My senior daughter
Is going to her BF fraternity formal . He is a freshman at a very small college. She spends alot of time there and will be attending next year. I am letting her go bc they have dated 2 years and do everything together
I just hope all will go ok. I know that drinking will be going on. Not a first gov her !!
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Did you miss the part about it being against the rental rules? 
