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Hello all,
My daughter has just turned 19 and her boyfriend is almost 19, since meeting him she dropped out of high school because he did, won't get her GED "right now" as he has no money and can't get his...she had plans to go to college and was looking forward to it.
She spends all her time worrying herself sick over him, his mother threw him out of the house at age 17, she is on drugs and was very abusive, my daughter was so upset because he called and said he was in the park homeless and was going to kill himself, so...I went to pick him up and he stayed here for a month, the whole time he didn't/wouldn't look for a job and played video games all day, I thought there is something with this guy as he kept looking at me with such a wierd grin on his face, my daughter gives him money and takes him everywhere, he was in "Juvie" for violence and drugs/alcohol and he is on probation for violence and has broken his hand several times hitting someone so hard...not his fault my daughter says, put holes in the walls of his house, he lies and steals anything he can get his hands on and pawns the stuff.
He comes up with such lies and stories that make no sense, I told my daughter they make no sense and she gets mad at me, then another day she did say "I want someone with a brain...." when he was saying dumb stuff to her.
He told everyone he knew and then some, something so personal about my daughter, can't even say it on here, and told her he would never ever tell anyone, he told everyone and she found out, it broke her heart, he told her he was sorry, and said it's because he's been so abused and told her some more horror stories and she forgave him, he also told her before he met her he was going to commit suicide, my daughter is so kind and I know when he says these things she feels so sorry for him and..from me seeing him in action he knows this.
I have tried to talk to her sensibly but I am the bad guy, she verbally attacks me and all I'm trying to do is to make her see what he is really like.
She got so angry the other day we ended up shouting at each other and she stormed out to meet him, I have decided not to bad mouth him anymore.
I actually dreading her coming home tonight because I know she is going to leave him her cell phone...I pay for it and it really irks me that he's using it, I'm deciding if it's even worth it to ask her if she left it with him, she'll get angry which I think is ridiculous, I pay for it!!! I know she is lying to me, (I'm not dumb!) and god knows what they are up to.
I have however banned him from my house, I just cannot look at him and pretend I like him in the hopes my daughter sees what he's really like, just can't do it, anyway I truly think it'll push them more together. He is sleeping on the couch of a friend's house who...he says...are threatening to kick him out for not paying them a dime, he is not coming here!
I have cried so much over this and don't know what to do for the best, just stand back??? I am losing my daughter to this jerk, I told her if he can look at you in your face and lie he'll do it again, she deserves so much better than this and it truly is breaking my heart. I've told her I love her and will always be here for her but I do not trust this guy, she has to go on with her life, even said you can still be there for him (hated to say that but..)
This is a nightmare.
Anyone have any words of wisdom before I end up in the mental hospital?
Thank you.
Oh, my! You almost sound like the girlfriend's mother of the kid who is staying at my house, except he's not violent, he hasn't dropped out of high school, and he has finally found a job.
If I could advise his girlfriend's mother, I would tell her to take control of her house. She has a "friend" relationship with her daughter. She won't lay down the law. Don't get me wrong, she tries to tell her daughter he's not good enough for her, just like you do. But instead of dictating the house rules, she walks on egg shells with her daughter for fear she'll get mad.
You know the first thing I'd do? Stop paying for her cell phone. Why are you providing her with a cell phone? You fear you'll push her closer to him. Understandable. But the reality is that they can't afford a place to live anyway. Let her face that reality by at least making her responsible for paying for her own phone.
STOP paying for that phone. why the heck do parents do this???? She's 19... she can get her own and give it to the jerk if she wants to. God only knows what kind of bill you're going to get stuck with if you don't cancel it. Cheaper to pay the penalty than to let him use it.
And as for your daughter...not much you can do, other than keep him banned from your house. And force your daughter to do something... get a job or go to school. If she doesn't feel like doing either, then she's got to live somewhere else. You're not running a flop house. Basically, give her the responsibility for her own life. She can go ahead and continue seeing this loser, but not on your dime.
Maybe you don't have to ask her if she gave it to him.. just call the number the next day and see WHO will answer it. If he's got it, indeed, the best scenario to cancel it.
Daughter is old enough to pay for her own phone, anyway
I agree stop paying for the cell and anything else you are paying for , why support her when she obviously cares nothing and responsible for nothing ? I taught my kids stand on your own two feet and dont depend on anyone . They have been very responsible , know why? cause I did not pay for anything after they got to the age of 18. They both have great jobs due to education and smarts and not depending on anyone else . Cut the money supply and watch how quickly your daughter will dump this loser . Good luck .
I'm sorry for what you are going through. Have you considered Tough Love, Al-Anon or some therapy for yourself. You're daughter is going to do what she wants regardless of what you say or do however you can stop enabling by making things easier for her to continue in this relationship.
"When I stopped living in the problem and began living in the answer, the problem went away."
This is a tough situation. It's so common at that age when you think you're "in love" with a jerk, you refuse to see any of their flaws. Having mom or dad point them out just makes you defend them more.
I would put your focus on the big ticket issues, forget the small ones and take back control of your house. I can understand how helpless you feel, but to a large extent, you are the one enabling this behavior. Your daughter is not in school to get her GED, not in college, yet you allow her to live at home and provide her a cell phone? You are not allowing her to feel the real life consequences for her actions, but are cushioning her at home, which is one reason she continues to make such bad choices.
The biggest thing right now is to ensure she does not get pregnant. Is she on birth control? Assume they are having sex. If she isn't, I would take her to Planned Parenthood and get her on something immediately. The other stuff can be more easily corrected once she snaps to her senses. Having a baby at 19 with a dropout deadbeat will change her life for the next 20 years (and beyond.)
Next, I would set up the rules for your house and be firm about them.
#1 he no longer gets to stay there. Ever. Period. Not even for one night. Take back control of your own house.
#2 She no longer gets to stay at home unless she's making progress towards her GED. If she wants to not get her GED? Fine, then it's time she goes out in the real world and sees how hard it is to make it on the kind of job you get without a GED. You aren't allowing her to feel the real consequences for her actions.
#3 She no longer gets her cell phone paid for. It's really your cell phone since you pay for it. If she wants to act this way, she gets to feel the real consequences for her actions. One of those is that she has to pay for things herself.
In the short term? She will likely throw a tantrum, scream, etc. Be firm. You have both gotten yourselves into this situation. You have to stop enabling her or she's never going to learn to support herself. She's never going to start making better decisions for herself while you allow her (by enabling) to make bad ones and you keep paying all the bills. If she wants to be a high school dropout with a jerk boyfriend, pull all your money out (after ensuring she's on birth control and getting her a 3 months supply) and allow her to see what that's REALLY like. Chances are the idea will sour very quickly.
Time for her to grow up. No more money. Pay for nothing. Tell her she has a choice, finish GED or start making 20 job contacts a week. And for her to keep a log for follow up.
Yep, this guy is bad news. But you hating him has made it a power issue now. So, don't talk about him, discuss her job search, her career plans, and develop a time line for her to move out. Make sure she is taking birth control, and make it clear that if she cannot support herself, she cannot support a child, and if she is pregnant she will have to support herself, not in your home.
No one understands their love... I remember those days. Just recently, my father was telling me about my stepsister's loser ex and we moved on to discuss mine. Of course, I was in my early 20s and she's 40, but still - sometimes we make stupid decisions. Of course, I'd have given the world for it to have lasted. After I got married, part of the decision (on my part) to move out of the area was because of the temptation that loser represents to me - even now, knowing how bad he was for me, my heart still thinks of him fondly.
I hope she grows out of it. Until then, all you can do it put limits on how it affects YOU. This is what my father did. At first, it drove me into his arms more firmly. But eventually, I had to leave him because as much as I loved him, I didn't want HIS lifestyle. And Dad wouldn't help "us" out - but made it clear that if I needed his help, he'd always be there for me. *sigh* Good luck!
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