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My step son and his wife had baby #5 back in March. Apparently, they're ticked off with us for not helping with the kids . I, seriously, have no interest in yet another baby. I feel like this is a rerun. We've done this 4 times before. (They are planning #6 BTW) So I'm not at all excited about this baby nor do I feel a need to go visit. Their 5 kids kind of overwhelm me. I feel like I can't give any of then adequate attention because there are so many of them plus I have two teenaged daugthers of my own at home to keep track of. I feel like I just don't have time for so many kids so I choose to just not be involved on a regular basis. I'm content to see them on birthdays and Christmas. Of course my step son and his wife think this makes me a lousy grandma.
I'm also a bit nervous about dd#1 being around ddil. I'm convinced my dil has babies to get attention. I have a dd who is going after boys for attention....we don't need to go there....
I'm curious as to how others would handle this? Is it ok to be a long distance grandma when you live 2 miles away? One thing to consider is that I am a teacher and I'm off for the summer. So, for now, I do have time. In September, I'd disappear though because I just don't have time with two kids of my own once school starts. I chase my tail from September until mid June.
I'm feeling kind of guilty that the baby is 3 months old and I haven't even seen him (had parent teacher conferences the week he was born and he and his mom were asleep when I came to visit after his birth).
Last edited by Ivorytickler; 06-22-2011 at 07:46 AM..
While I don't think that grandparents are obligated to babysit or provide financial help for their grown children/grandchildren, I do think that they should treat them as part of the family. I guess I personally don't understand not wanting to have a relationship with your grandchildren and I would be miffed too if my child was 3 months old and his/her grandparents had not visited or seen the baby yet.
You teach high schoolers, how overwhelming can 5 kids be compared to a class of 30 or so kids??? Perhaps if you visited more, they kids would be less overwhelming?
Sorry, I have to side with your step-son and his wife.
I have to say I side with your step-son. You live 2 miles away and are off for the summer, and choose not to see your grandchildren, and haven't even seen the new baby at all? If I were your child I would feel hurt by that.
Sorry, I can't relate. I spent a lot of time with my grandparents and grew up very close to them. Grandparents who don't like babies are like another species to me.
Could it be that you don't particularly like your stepson or his wife and are simply projecting that dislike onto their kids?
I have to agree with Golfgal. I can understand not wanting to babysit 5 little ones at a time, but perhaps spending some time with one or two at a time would help you develop a relationship with them. I also don't understand not seeing your newest grandbaby when you only live TWO miles away! Surely, you've had an hour to spare within those three months. Of course, it could be that you're just not the "grandma" type. I didn't think I was either, but I love being a grandma!
I don't think anyone would expect you to be a full-time volunteer babysitter. But yes, it would be very hurtful to have a grandma who lived 2 miles away who had all the free time in the world on her summers off and couldn't be bothered to drive 2 miles down the road to see the baby after 3 months.
Even if you are not particularly fond of SS or his wife, it might go a long way towards keeping the peace if you made an effort to see them occasionally. Maybe once or twice a month in the summers, go over there to visit with the kids or offer to babysit 1-2 at a time for an afternoon. I think everyone would understand how busy you are during the school year. I think very few would understand you refusing to come over and see the new baby or other grandchildren at all when it's your long summer break.
While I don't think that grandparents are obligated to babysit or provide financial help for their grown children/grandchildren, I do think that they should treat them as part of the family. I guess I personally don't understand not wanting to have a relationship with your grandchildren and I would be miffed too if my child was 3 months old and his/her grandparents had not visited or seen the baby yet.
You teach high schoolers, how overwhelming can 5 kids be compared to a class of 30 or so kids??? Perhaps if you visited more, they kids would be less overwhelming?
Sorry, I have to side with your step-son and his wife.
I've visited. The baby was just asleep so I wasn't allowed to see him.
I'm not trying to give my classes of 30 individual attention. I teach to the group. It's kind of hard to grandparent to the group.
This type of thing was why we moved away from our parents (though we only have two). I didn't want my kids to get hurt repeatedly by them.
They are good grandparents 1500 miles away, not so much 10 minutes away. Now that the kids are older, the grandparents push for more visits, more contact, but I'm not falling for it. I remember what it was really like. Now when we do visit them, or they visit us, they concentrate on the kids. Lots of attention. My kids believe their grandparents enjoy having them around. They were too young to remember what it was like when we lived close by.
On the other hand, our moving away has caused a new issue for our aging parents... as they need help, we're not around to provide any. In addition, in the recent past, they've felt that we should spend the few visits we make to them helping them out - putting up a ceiling fan, deep/spring cleaning, moving furniture, rearranging things in the attic. But that has gotten old. We've decided that our next vacation near where they live, we'll have activities planned (and stay at a hotel, no more staying with them - it just obligates us) that will make it inconvenient to travel to their homes - if they want to see the kids, they'll have a couple hours travel. If they come, great. If they don't, that's fine.
Just remember that your actions have consequences - be prepared to accept them. And those teen girls of yours are watching what type of grandma you are now too - it will affect your relationship with them and their children as well.
If you can't handle all 5 at once, say something - take one or two at a time to a park, the zoo, to your home to bake cookies. The fact that you haven't already offered this, and instead avoid them all, speaks volumes. If it were a priority to you, you'd find a way. Your stepson and his wife probably already know this.
I have to say I side with your step-son. You live 2 miles away and are off for the summer, and choose not to see your grandchildren, and haven't even seen the new baby at all? If I were your child I would feel hurt by that.
Um, summer started for me on Monday but I spent Monday and Tuesday answering parent emails regarding their children's grades. So, today is my first day off (assuming I don't have anymore emails).
In the past, they have not been home for the summer. They live on site with dss. This year, I assume because of the baby, it looks like she's staying here. Dss won't be home for a few weeks so it's a non issue right now. The question is, what, if anything do I owe them?
I'd love to have a relationship with the grandkids but that's kind of hard to do with so many of them. It almost seems not worth the effort to try. Seriously, how many days would I have to give up to spend enough time with any of them to foster a relationship? And how would that impact my own kids?
I've posted before about ddil's conditions. She wants me to pick up one or two kids on a regular basis and take them for the day. I'd be ok with more frequent visiting but I've been told I'm not welcome to do that. It's I pick up her kids and take them or I don't see them. When dss is home, we can, usually, get him to bring the four oldest over here but she doesn't come and the baby doesn't come. I'm not worried about the baby as the baby doesn't care right now. I'm revisiting whether or not I should start picking up the older kids knowing that I disappear again in September. I wouldn't mind taking the two older ones (10 and 7) to the beach with us when we go but I don't know what I'll do with the next two youngest (5 and 4).
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. I, seriously, have no interest in yet another baby. I feel like this is a rerun. We've done this 4 times before. (They are planning #6 BTW) So I'm not at all excited about this baby nor do I feel a need to go visit. Their 5 kids kind of overwhelm me. I feel like I can't give any of then adequate attention because there are so many of them plus I have two teenaged daugthers of my own at home to keep track of. I feel like I just don't have time for so many kids so I choose to just not be involved on a regular basis. I'm content to see them on birthdays and Christmas. Of course my step son and his wife think this makes me a lousy grandma. 
So, today is my first day off (assuming I don't have anymore emails).