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I'm sorry you lost communication with your son. Based on what you've shared in other threads, I suspect he feels any topic will eventually turn into a lecture. I'm not saying that you constantly lecture, but he knows you don't approve of him in so many ways. Somehow, slowly, you need to switch from the role of dictator parent to mentor parent. He's 18 now and he needs to find his own way, which will involve making some mistakes. You'll have a better time at being a positive influence if you can move yourself more towards and adviser, not a dictator, who gently gives advice but doesn't offer harsh disapproval. Harsh disapproval should be reserved for absolutely necessary times---danger to life, breaking the law.
As for my children, I always had a very good relationship with them. The car is where my son would open up the most. Something about guys and sitting side by side instead of face to face. Anytime he would seem to be upset about something, I'd grab my keys and say "let's go for a ride." In no time, he'd start opening up all on his own. For my daughter, shopping together is where she opened up most. All of the distractions at the mall would lighten her mood and eventually she would start talking about important stuff that was on her mind.
I do get "I don't want to talk about that" sometimes. I have two approaches. I'll pick other topics, usually topics of interest to them OR just start talking about things going on in my life, things my friends said to me, or something that happened at work. If they still doesn't like my topics choices, I tell them the ball is in their court, if they don't pick something else to talk about, I'm going to continue talking about what I talk about. That usually inspires them. Sometimes we just turn on the car radio and start talking about music.
I don't sit in awkward silence with my children. Life is way too short to let that happen. The trick is to find any topic to lighten their mood so they don't feel like you're going to jump into a lecture.
You are very fortunate to have communicative teens. Not all parents are so lucky, and it doesn't always have to do with deficits on their part, so you might want to be careful in your judgments . . .
Some teens are extremely moody - and they may grow into moody adults, or they may grow out of it - it's hard to know.
Some are very private.
Some are dealing with issues they feel to be very serious and they do not wish to share their process or their worries with their parents . . .
I spoke to an 18 year old on the phone tonight. He was sick and he did not want to talk. While I might be polite, some teens are not polite - not sure what to make of this. My feelings were hurt, initially, but then I realized there is nothing I can do about it - I have no clue what is going on with him and I am not going to torture myself . . .
Today he asked me to take him shopping for shoes. He did open up a bit about his new classes and how he hates two of his teachers. He talked about how he likes this new club in town for 18 and older that plays dubstep. It seemed to be fine just letting him talk about what he wanted to open up about. We had one little laugh in the mall when I made a funny and he forgot to hold it in.
I'm not a dictator. It's funny to be called that though because that was our nickname for him since he was a child...the little dictator. It is hard letting go after watching out for him for so long and it's hard to watch him make bad decisions but I know I have to let him find his way and to let him fail and eventually win. I'm in the middle of mourning the loss of the wonderful little boy who was my best bud, who told me he loved me every single day and kissed goodnight before bed. Who needed me and loved me more than hated me and never called me names. It's so hard to say good bye to that little boy forever. My heart breaks just writing about it. But I know I must and accept this new chapter of a man/child who mainly seems to need us for cash and our car until he starts working again. I didn't bug my son most of this summer, gave him more freedom than he has ever had, tried not to bring up drug use which has been a problem only to have him being caught committing a crime last weekend with his friend. He is handling this on his own and I am taking away a car. Consequences suck but must be done. Somehow no matter what bad decisions he makes, I get crap for being worried.
Today he asked me to take him shopping for shoes. He did open up a bit about his new classes and how he hates two of his teachers. He talked about how he likes this new club in town for 18 and older that plays dubstep. It seemed to be fine just letting him talk about what he wanted to open up about. We had one little laugh in the mall when I made a funny and he forgot to hold it in.
I'm not a dictator. It's funny to be called that though because that was our nickname for him since he was a child...the little dictator. It is hard letting go after watching out for him for so long and it's hard to watch him make bad decisions but I know I have to let him find his way and to let him fail and eventually win. I'm in the middle of mourning the loss of the wonderful little boy who was my best bud, who told me he loved me every single day and kissed goodnight before bed. Who needed me and loved me more than hated me and never called me names. It's so hard to say good bye to that little boy forever. My heart breaks just writing about it. But I know I must and accept this new chapter of a man/child who mainly seems to need us for cash and our car until he starts working again. I didn't bug my son most of this summer, gave him more freedom than he has ever had, tried not to bring up drug use which has been a problem only to have him being caught committing a crime last weekend with his friend. He is handling this on his own and I am taking away a car. Consequences suck but must be done. Somehow no matter what bad decisions he makes, I get crap for being worried.
I feel for you, mom! Hang in there. You sound like you have a big heart. Hugs to you!
I know exactly what you mean about mourning the loss of the little boy. It sounds like you are making great strides!
And a chuckle escaped before he could censor himself! I love that and so glad you got that gift.
Take good care of yourself and don't put up with any crap.
I found it particularly hard to be tough because I am very soft-hearted . . .I think it is more difficult for the extremely soft-hearted!
I too have an 18 yo son. He will talk to me generally. He is pretty closemouthed about what he would consider his personal business (girls etc) but in general he will tell me about his day or things like that.
No cellphone at the table. Whether we are at home or out, we have a no cell phone rule during meals. That is just common courtesy in my book. That goes for adults too.
Not an expert by any means, so anything I offer will be that of opinion only. At his age, many things are racing through his head: I am an adult now, marriage, school, job, future, family and friends, etc. Most of his morals have already been instilled at this point, so trying to give him advice at this point will appear more like nagging. At this stage in his life, he is sorting many things out starting to make the transition from carefree teen to adulthood. In my opinion, at this age it is more about listening than parenting. However, I am not implying that he still does not have to obey the house rules. Teens-or anyone for that matter-tend to open up more when they think you are listening, rather than searching. Advice at his age is seen as more of a threat, rather than a loving parent trying to protect. Try getting him to give you advice, even if it is something like what shoes you should wear. That will keep communications open without him feeling like you are prying into his life. Eventually, he will come around to asking for your advice without you feeling the need to offer it.
Ahh. My kids tell me too much. They are both adults and now (24,21) and I frequently scream "TMI" when they and their friends talk. I don't think any of them have a filter or a shred of embarassment about anything.
You are very fortunate to have communicative teens. Not all parents are so lucky, and it doesn't always have to do with deficits on their part, so you might want to be careful in your judgments . . .
I based my opinion on a previous post. And her response indicates that I wasn't off base. She's having trouble letting go, which means there is a power struggle between them. That closes up young adults.
Today he asked me to take him shopping for shoes. He did open up a bit about his new classes and how he hates two of his teachers. He talked about how he likes this new club in town for 18 and older that plays dubstep. It seemed to be fine just letting him talk about what he wanted to open up about. We had one little laugh in the mall when I made a funny and he forgot to hold it in.
Letting them talk about what they want to talk about is the key. I'm glad you had a nice day shopping with him.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bbekity
It is hard letting go after watching out for him for so long and it's hard to watch him make bad decisions but I know I have to let him find his way and to let him fail and eventually win. I'm in the middle of mourning the loss of the wonderful little boy who was my best bud, who told me he loved me every single day and kissed goodnight before bed. Who needed me and loved me more than hated me and never called me names. It's so hard to say good bye to that little boy forever. My heart breaks just writing about it.
That person is still in there. Those hugs and I-love-you's can come back one day.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bbekity
Somehow no matter what bad decisions he makes, I get crap for being worried.
One of the hardest things about being a parent is watching them fail. My parents would give me their opinion ONCE and then say, "but it's your life." Sometimes I took their advice right away. Sometimes I had to learn for myself the hard way. But they didn't lecture me when I failed. They were there to help me figure out how to fix it via advice. I always knew I could count on my parents, that I could always go to them. They never freaked about the big stuff. And honestly, the big stuff is where parents should not be freaking because that's what children need help with the most.
It is only a few years of this then they will talk to you. Right now your only job is to embarrass them as often as possible. Show up to school dressed like a wizard. Drive a really beat up car. Drive the church youth group on a ski trip and sing songs from musicals that whole way and insist that they sing along. Do not miss this opportunity, it is short lived.
Remember, when you talk to him, he is listening even if he pretends not to. You are still the center of his worlkd, but he will nto admit it even to himself. Tell him about mistakes and bad choices you made at his age (within reason) and what you learned from them.
It is only a few years of this then they will talk to you. Right now your only job is to embarrass them as often as possible. Show up to school dressed like a wizard. Drive a really beat up car. Drive the church youth group on a ski trip and sing songs from musicals that whole way and insist that they sing along. Do not miss this opportunity, it is short lived.
Remember, when you talk to him, he is listening even if he pretends not to. You are still the center of his worlkd, but he will nto admit it even to himself. Tell him about mistakes and bad choices you made at his age (within reason) and what you learned from them.
Haha! That is too funny. I would love to do this.
I remember my son being furious with me for bringing a pizza to the end-of-year team party in high school. I believe his comment was "WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO BE DIFFERENT? EVERYONE ELSE WILL HAVE SOMETHING HOMEMADE." Which really hurt my feelings because I've bent over backwards to volunteer, be on the board, arrange the party, etc.
I walked into the party and there were at least 25 other women carrying pizza boxes.
It felt so good.
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