Can you talk to your teen? (teenage, games, girl, play)
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I just think that, in general, people sometimes don't give other people the benefit of the doubt on internet forums. People might write about particular problems, but we are all multidemensional . . .most stuff is taken out of context, wild assumptions are sometimes made (in terms of conclusions about someone's character or their parenting skills, for instance).
In this case, this mom was told to "grow a backbone." A little harsh, given that there is no way anyone could know the state of her backbone and what she has been through and what she has done.
I find that almost everything I say to my kid (18) annoys him so I never know what to say or how to have a normal conversation with him anymore, especially when I am alone in the car with him. You know...that deadly silence with your mind racing trying to think of something you can talk about that won't get the usual reaction like, "just stop" or "I don't want to talk about this" and my personal favorite, "yea, no, I don't know". Anyone have anything to add?
I have a daughter and a son. They are now 27 and 22. My daughter was a typical teen but good in a lot of ways. Very tough though. Hard to reach. If I tried to talk to her, it was like whatever. If she got a cell call, she went outside (hated that).
It was much easier to talk to my son.
However, we knew their friends, had parties at our home and all that.
We have a 16 year old and an 11 year old. When our kids seem off or moody or not their usual self we get to the bottom of it as soon as we can without pressuring them too hard to talk. It can be tricky. It's like those little chinese fingercuffs - you gotta work through it gently. Sometimes that means letting them chill out in their room, take a nap, have a good meal, or just veg in front of the TV for a bit first before we tell them to come for a walk or drive with us, but we don't just blow it off or let it go. Sometimes our cats even help - both our kids think of our two cats as their brothers, and when they lay on the floor petting the cats they relax and get back to a happy place. When their brain is relaxed and happy, they can discuss what's been on their mind easier. You'll only make the situation worse if you try to get them to talk while they are still spinning around in a mood.
Sometimes at school kids have really weird or embarrassing or confusing things that happen... some other kid says or does something that just throws the rest of the day off or sends them into a mood. They are confused about what happened, or excited but they don't really know why or what about, or they might be angry and they don't know what to do with that anger. Or they might feel anxious, or sad. It's important for parents to be there for them when they get home from school, so that when they feel safe and relaxed at home again, they can talk to their mom or dad or someone who they know loves them no matter what about what happened. Also - to discuss an appropriate response to what happened or how to cope or what to do with the feelings and emotions that have been stirred up, etc.
When our kids were very little we decided that I would be a stay at home mom... we thought once they were older and more independant they would need us less and I would go back to work.
Now that the kids are older, we're learning that the kids never need you less - they just need you in different ways.
Ahh. My kids tell me too much. They are both adults and now (24,21) and I frequently scream "TMI" when they and their friends talk. I don't think any of them have a filter or a shred of embarassment about anything.
My sisters and I are like this with our mother. We've always been like this, even with our dad. Of all the things I complain about in regards to our parents, I have to give them credit for them letting us talk about most anything with them.
Except our own family dysfunction. That was a big no no.
Wow. Grow a backbone? You realize, I hope, that I am not devulging everything that has ever happened between my son and us? I did not ask for help with anything other than communication and how other's handle the same situation. If I wanted advice about drug use and criminal activety, I would have specifically asked for help with that. We handled the drug issue and the poor judgement he used recently. He does not insult me with friends over...not sure where that came from because I never said that. We have a small place with little room for friends to gather so he usually goes to friends homes and have heard nothing but praise from every parent he has met on how polite and well mannered he is. I did something right, huh? Again, I was only asking about those silent moments in a car...not major issues as Mommabear decided was the topic.
I truly do appreciate everyone's perspective and most of the comments have been very helpful and at times, funny. Thank you.
I know what you asked about however, my response was about something Hopes wrote not a direct response to you (although I think it is all related).
I think that the silent moments in the car are related to the major issues he is having. He is showing extreme disrespect to you by telling you to "just stop". He is showing disrespect by texting during meals. He is showing extreme disrespect to you by bringing drugs into your home (if he has done that). It's all related. You have to get a handle on the root of the problem, not just treat the symptom.
The way he treats you is a symptom of the bigger problem.
I just think that, in general, people sometimes don't give other people the benefit of the doubt on internet forums. People might write about particular problems, but we are all multidemensional . . .most stuff is taken out of context, wild assumptions are sometimes made (in terms of conclusions about someone's character or their parenting skills, for instance).
In this case, this mom was told to "grow a backbone." A little harsh, given that there is no way anyone could know the state of her backbone and what she has been through and what she has done.
I do not think that my comment was made out of context. The OP mentions a child who tells her to "just stop" when she talks to him. She mentions a child who text through a restaurant meal. Yet she takes this same child shopping for new shoes. Now in my little world this does not show any backbone on her part. I was going for direct, not harsh.
I am able to talk with my teen, and almost-teen. Being able to talk with them at teens didn't start at their teenagerhood, though, it's the result of years of taking them seriously, not putting their choices down, not coercing or punishing or manipulating. The relationship we have now didn't spring from nowhere. It took a big shift in how I see parenting, which is for me, not dictatorship but partnership.
For my kids to listen to me, I had to start by listening to them. That started when they were young, and I asked, "Hey, can you help me take the trash out?". If they said, "We're in the middle of a game", I would either take the trash out myself, or wait until they were at a stopping place. If I chose to take the trash out, it wouldn't be by stomping through the living room, resentfully sighing as I walked past them. I would take the trash out because that's what I was choosing to do.
It started when, if they made a mistake, I didn't shame them for it or berate them. I treated them as I would treat a friend who made a mistake. They ARE my friends, and friends talk to each other.
You get out of a relationship what you put into it - and that goes for the relationship with your kids, as well! If you're punitive, controlling (even sweetly controlling), judging, and dismissive of their concerns, you can't expect them to feel safe & secure sharing themselves with you.
I hear the tone of voice of some parents in stores, and I think, "Good Lord, I would NOT want to be around that person." Just nasty and grating, when saying the same words calmly & sweetly would work just as well. And yes, I know we get impatient, I know we have long days, I know sometimes we are just holding on... but those times should be rare. If they're not, you might need to take a look at your life, and see how you can prioritize so that they are. Once a child grows to the point where they have a choice to be around you... would they choose to be? Are your interactions with them positive and present and happy?
You can absolutely start when they're older; it's never too late. There will be a lot of healing that needs to happen, but I've seen it happen! Remember to take 3 deep breaths before replying. Ask yourself, "How would I answer a friend (spouse, relative, someone you care for deeply) who was saying this same thing?" If they're being rude, you don't need to be rude back, or even point out right then that they're being rude. Being present for them, listening to them, hearing their words, not their tone... that will all help them learn to trust you more.
I am able to talk with my teen, and almost-teen. Being able to talk with them at teens didn't start at their teenagerhood, though, it's the result of years of taking them seriously, not putting their choices down, not coercing or punishing or manipulating. The relationship we have now didn't spring from nowhere. It took a big shift in how I see parenting, which is for me, not dictatorship but partnership.
For my kids to listen to me, I had to start by listening to them. That started when they were young, and I asked, "Hey, can you help me take the trash out?". If they said, "We're in the middle of a game", I would either take the trash out myself, or wait until they were at a stopping place. If I chose to take the trash out, it wouldn't be by stomping through the living room, resentfully sighing as I walked past them. I would take the trash out because that's what I was choosing to do.
It started when, if they made a mistake, I didn't shame them for it or berate them. I treated them as I would treat a friend who made a mistake. They ARE my friends, and friends talk to each other.
You get out of a relationship what you put into it - and that goes for the relationship with your kids, as well! If you're punitive, controlling (even sweetly controlling), judging, and dismissive of their concerns, you can't expect them to feel safe & secure sharing themselves with you.
I hear the tone of voice of some parents in stores, and I think, "Good Lord, I would NOT want to be around that person." Just nasty and grating, when saying the same words calmly & sweetly would work just as well. And yes, I know we get impatient, I know we have long days, I know sometimes we are just holding on... but those times should be rare. If they're not, you might need to take a look at your life, and see how you can prioritize so that they are. Once a child grows to the point where they have a choice to be around you... would they choose to be? Are your interactions with them positive and present and happy?
You can absolutely start when they're older; it's never too late. There will be a lot of healing that needs to happen, but I've seen it happen! Remember to take 3 deep breaths before replying. Ask yourself, "How would I answer a friend (spouse, relative, someone you care for deeply) who was saying this same thing?" If they're being rude, you don't need to be rude back, or even point out right then that they're being rude. Being present for them, listening to them, hearing their words, not their tone... that will all help them learn to trust you more.
I have a very good relationship with my children. But when I tell them (yes, TELL) to do a chore, it is to be done. Now, I don't ask in the middle of a game or something. But if they are watching TV or reading or just playing with toys, they can stop and do the chore I've asked them to do.
We live in a democratic gentle dictatorship. Oxymoron? Of course. But there are some things in our home that are not negotiable. Some things are. Hence the "democratic gentle dictatorship" moniker.
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