Can you talk to your teen? (punishing, teenager, game, appropriate)
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I remember my son being furious with me for bringing a pizza to the end-of-year team party in high school. I believe his comment was "WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO BE DIFFERENT? EVERYONE ELSE WILL HAVE SOMETHING HOMEMADE." Which really hurt my feelings because I've bent over backwards to volunteer, be on the board, arrange the party, etc.
I walked into the party and there were at least 25 other women carrying pizza boxes.
It felt so good.
That is funny. We get that sometimes, because we do things differently. We think conforming = boring. We know that parents are an embarrassment to their kids at this age no matter what, so we may as well have some fun with it. At the same time although we are seen as wacky, our kids friends say they like hanging out at our house. It is fun. (My kids just roll their eyes). My repeated threats to drown, behead, deport, dismember, maim, etc potential boyfriends just does not seem to get taken seriously (Althoguh the girls did convince tow guy friends who hung out at our house one summer to make me believe that they were gay so that I would allow them beyond the front parlor).
Our kids are used to being different, however. Until about five years ago, we were a bit of an aberration as a traditional Christian family living in Southern California (we moved). We are not what most people would call fanatics. However we do adhere to certain basic values. We pray before meals, and do not think that teen and pre-teen girls (or boys) should dress like sex objects. We do not allow cursing in our house. We give more money to charity than we spend on the things that we are supposed to want (like new cars, name brand clothing, etc). Sometimes our kids were treated like an exhibit at the zoo, even by teachers. They would be used as examples of different perspectives. "So *** Coming from a Christan background, how does your family view XXX (TV show, movie, issue, etc)." At birthday parties, parents would call and say "I know you are a Christian family, I am not sure what is ok to buy for a gift" (Well - No thongs please). In school, kids would be F'ing this and that or discussing sex and then suddenly grow quiet when our kids approached and then giggle when they walked away. At least they were usually respectful enough to stop when they were around.
Anyway they still get embarrassed by us, but they know that if they complain about our family being "different" we will take it as a compliment.
One of the biggest mistakes we can make, that can stop our kids from talking to us is to immediately pass judgement or give them unwanted advice. OMG...like the hardest things in the WORLD. If you can show him that you can ask questions, without always giving advice, you are well on your way to making strides. Sometimes they just want to vent or talk. They might already have figured out how they're going to handle the situation....and sometimes OUR best response is, "Hmmm bummer... or GREAT....or Really? Wow. Yeah, one of the toughest things to do is to SHUT up! I mean, we've been there and done that and have the answers they need, but they don't UNDERSTAND that we do. BTW....I've got a 28 yr old son, 25 yr old daughter, 21 yr old son, 15 yr old son. so yeah, a little bit of experience here. LOL
And sometimes they just want to vent about *gasp* you! Sometimes you just have to shut up and listen. (This usually goes with admiting you aren't the perfect Snowflake Mother/Father and, uh oh, maybe you did make a mistake. Or two. Or ten.)
And sometimes they just want to vent about *gasp* you! Sometimes you just have to shut up and listen. (This usually goes with admiting you aren't the perfect Snowflake Mother/Father and, uh oh, maybe you did make a mistake. Or two. Or ten.)
Oh truer words were never spoken. Those *gasp* vents about "you" are also the perfect time to let them know, "I am sorry. I could have handled that better, couldn't I? Honey, I truly am sorry for the way I handled that. One of the hardest things about being a parent is that you DO make mistakes." We also have to remember, if we want them to be able to admit that they have made mistakes, it is important for them to hear you admit that you have too!
I always let my kids know that I never, ever "expect" them to be perfect...because that would make them so much better than me! We can only try to do what's right....we can NOT be perfect.
One of the hardest things about being a parent is watching them fail. My parents would give me their opinion ONCE and then say, "but it's your life." Sometimes I took their advice right away. Sometimes I had to learn for myself the hard way. But they didn't lecture me when I failed. They were there to help me figure out how to fix it via advice. I always knew I could count on my parents, that I could always go to them. They never freaked about the big stuff. And honestly, the big stuff is where parents should not be freaking because that's what children need help with the most.
I agree with this sentiment in general. But the OP is talking about the big stuff here. She mentions drugs and criminal activity. It is time for her to grow a backbone and demand respect from him. Respecting another person means not bringing drugs into their home and demanding respect means removing him from the home if he does bring drugs home.
IMO the OP cannot just sit around and wait for him to come to her for advice. This is not about a girlfriend, a hard class or what movie to see. It's about drugs and crime.
find a topic that interests him and learn about it, be able to carry on an intellectual (in his eyes) conversation on this subject. For my oldest, it was music that reconnected me and my child. he 'tuned out' from 13 until his reappearance as human at 14.5-15. We joke about it now, but those couple of years were miserable. Now my second boy is juuuuust about 13... and I see a pattern developing only this time there is a tween girl to add to the houshold drama... oh joy!
^^^ I agree with momma. This is more than a communication issue.
Some things that stood out-
Drug use
Criminal activity
Calling you names
Treating you with disrespect- when his friends are over, using phone during meals, telling you 'just stop' when you speak to him
It's important to make your rules/expectations very clear and do it in a loving way. Call a family meeting. You and Dad need to be in agreement on what will be said before you do this.
Is he still using drugs and what's your policy on drug use? You say you havn't brought it up, though it's been a problem. What?? This is no good. Unless you're ok with him using drugs. You can't prohibit drug use at this point... but you can tell him the rules in your home, yard, cars etc. I'm guessing this would be no drugs on/in your property. If he chooses to ignore your rules- tell him the consequence and be willing to enforce it. My drug policy- you're welcome to live in my home as long as you follow the rules- which is a zero tolerance for drugs and alcohol. Also, if he is still using drugs away from home- don't provide any type of support other than the bare minimum. Tell him you pay for ________ for children that make responsible choices. Same with the car- you loan your car to someone who behaves responsibly.
And say all this will compassion and love. You can't be angry or upset. Let him see that you're disappointed when he makes a bad choice.
The criminal activity- it's good he's handling this on his own. Don't pay lawyers, fines, restitution- anything.
What's up with the name-calling? Is it because he's been using drugs and you took his car away? Do not allow him to stay in your living room, kitchen, wherever if he disrespects you. He can go to his room, garage, back yard- wherever. And he needs to apologize after he's cooled off. If this doesn't happen- then he's back to the bare minimum support from you. 'I'm sorry, I pay for _______ for children that don't call me names.'
Disrespect- same as they name-calling. Have a zero tolerance stance.
The next time he asks if his friends can come over tell him- 'I'm sorry, that's for children who behave respectfully when they have guests over.' Have they been involved with drugs/criminal activity also? If so, they have to follow your house rules also.
Address the 'just stop' comment/attitude during the family meeting. Tell him you would love to 'just stop' and plan to just as soon as he is respectful and responsible or he moves out and supports himself completely. And be joyful when you tell him this. You want him to be a responsible adult on his own, right?
I agree with this sentiment in general. But the OP is talking about the big stuff here. She mentions drugs and criminal activity. It is time for her to grow a backbone and demand respect from him. Respecting another person means not bringing drugs into their home and demanding respect means removing him from the home if he does bring drugs home.
IMO the OP cannot just sit around and wait for him to come to her for advice. This is not about a girlfriend, a hard class or what movie to see. It's about drugs and crime.
Wow. Grow a backbone? You realize, I hope, that I am not devulging everything that has ever happened between my son and us? I did not ask for help with anything other than communication and how other's handle the same situation. If I wanted advice about drug use and criminal activety, I would have specifically asked for help with that. We handled the drug issue and the poor judgement he used recently. He does not insult me with friends over...not sure where that came from because I never said that. We have a small place with little room for friends to gather so he usually goes to friends homes and have heard nothing but praise from every parent he has met on how polite and well mannered he is. I did something right, huh? Again, I was only asking about those silent moments in a car...not major issues as Mommabear decided was the topic.
I truly do appreciate everyone's perspective and most of the comments have been very helpful and at times, funny. Thank you.
It's funny how everyone becomes an expert at everyone else's parenting . . ."There but for the grace of God go I . . ." It's also funny that strangers on the internet think they "know you" and your situation . . .talk about projection . . .!
Have you read the other threads/posts about her son???
I'll say it again... this is a whole more than a communication problem.
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We can only try to do what's right....we can NOT be perfect. 
