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You are cherry picking quotes in an attempt to show that OP is mean and doesn't care about the girl. I also think that for whatever reason you are just so sure that this woman is selfish and uncaring. It's like you are falling hook, line and sinker for the evil stepmother stereotype.
I used quotes to support my responses...I used the whole quote and did not take the OP's words out of context....if that's what you call "cherry picking" then so be it....I already said to feel free to find support that showed the OP's concern was for the child.
I never said she was mean or called her any names like evil stepmother. I think the OP is at best naive and more likely simply self centered. Her concern is clearly (IMO) for her relationship. If there were no kids involved or if the kids involved were well adjusted I would have no issues with that - it is a natural feeling. But that's not the case is it? She doesn't have to love the child, she doesn't have to even like the child, but she does have to realize that her husband had a relationship before her - one that brought a child into this world. That changes everything and her husband's first responsibility is for the child - even if that is to the detriment of his current relationship. That is what the OP needs to get. A relationship like this is not for the faint of heart. I don't envy the OP. But she chose it.
And yes, I think the OP shot herself in the foot when her posts are one after the other rants about her husband's child and how awful she is and nobody likes her.
Last edited by maciesmom; 07-29-2012 at 09:47 AM..
At the risk of the unpopular opinion, but I feel sorry for the OP. Having a stepdaughter like that would drive me crazy as well. I have a low low tolerance for disrespectful brats.
Sometimes blending families just doesnt work like you hope. My father met my stepmother when i was about 14. I hated the woman. So much so that I left my father's house to live with my mother (who had custody of us every other weekend). My father died when I was 20, but I resented her even more when he died since she got 75% of his estate. I loathed and still do loathe that she waltzed into our lives, made it miserable and got nearly all of his estate for nothing but being a *****. Its been 8 years since I've seen her and my feelings have never changed. She's still a *****, I still hate her - possibly more so now that she's been remarried to her 3rd husband who is now living in my father's house.
I know how you feel. My step mother got all of my father's estate. Even what he inherited from my grandmother. Then when she died, she left it all to her kids. Not that I'm greedy but it feels like we were just cut out of the family.
She was a *****.
I feel for you.
My will is already written and my step children are included as equal to my own. The only part they aren't going to like is that everything will be held in a common pot trust until dd#2 is 30 but their dad and I have an obligation to get all children to adulthood and on their own before anthing is handed out (It's 30 because dd#2 wants to be a doctor so we have to give her time to finish).
Just remember what your step monster did to you if you find yourself a step parent.
This is why in most cases, I don't believe in remarriage after children are in the picture. Why put children through all this? After someone has children, the children have to be their priority, and that can be very difficult with new spouses, blended families. Sometimes however a step-family works out very well for the children, but too often it does not. Also the children lose a whole lot of their parents' time when the parents are out dating and trying to meet new partners and it can really mess up the children.
I agree. This happened to my brother and I (we got nothing) and to a neighbor's kids. Their father remarried as soon as he was diagnosed with cancer and his new wife got everything including his life insurance when he died only a few months later. One wonders what she told him. My step mother swore to my dad that she'd take care of us. She even told us she'd written a will leaving half of the house to my brother and I since it was my grandmother's money that paid it off. When she died, we found out there was no will.
The same thing would have happened with my mothers estate (she died before my step father) except my half siblings agreed that my brother and I should be included. Had even one of them contested that we would not have been. I don't care about the money but that was a beautiful gesture on their part.
I agree. People should not remarry if they have kids and if they do, they should keep their finances separate.
Dh and I both have trusts. What he inherits from his parents will go into his which is set up so no future spouse of mine could ever lay claim to it but it's there to take care of me and get the girls raised and on their own. Mine also excludes a future spouse of either mine or his. It's there for him if he needs it then passes to the kids.... ALL OF THEM.
I used quotes to support my responses...if that's what you call "cherry picking" then so be it....I already said to feel free to find support that showed the OP's concern was for the child.
I never said she was mean or called her any names like evil stepmother. I think the OP is at best naive and more likely self centered. Her concern is clearly (IMO) for her relationship. If there were no kids involved or if the kids involved were well adjusted I would have no issues with that - it is a natural feeling. But that's not the case is it? She doesn't have to love the child, she doesn't have to even like the child. But she does have to realize that her husband had a relationship before her. One that brought a child into this world. That changes everything and her husband's first responsibility is for the child - even if that is to the detriment of his current relationship. That is what the OP needs to get. A relationship like this is not for the faint of heart. I don't envy the OP. But she chose it.
How do you "cherry pick" quotes. The OP either said it or she didn't. If she did, it supports your case.
ITA. Her dh's relationship with his daughter predates her by more than a decade. The daughter wins.
Seriously, if you do not want to deal with step child or ex wife drama, don't marry someone who is divorced with kids.
Last edited by Ivorytickler; 07-29-2012 at 09:35 AM..
I agree. This happened to my brother and I (we got nothing) and to a neighbor's kids. Their father remarried as soon as he was diagnosed with cancer and his new wife got everything including his life insurance when he died only a few months later. One wonders what she told him. My step mother swore to my dad that she'd take care of us. She even told us she'd written a will leaving half of the house to my brother and I since it was my grandmother's money that paid it off. When she died, we found out there was no will.
The same thing would have happened with my mothers estate (she died before my step father) except my half siblings agreed that my brother and I should be included. Had even one of them contested that we would not have been. I don't care about the money but that was a beautiful gesture on their part.
I agree. People should not remarry if they have kids and if they do, they should keep their finances separate.
Dh and I both have trusts. What he inherits from his parents will go into his which is set up so no future spouse of mine could ever lay claim to it but it's there to take care of me and get the girls raised and on their own. Mine also excludes a future spouse of either mine or his. It's there for him if he needs it then passes to the kids.... ALL OF THEM.
And that's true even if they remarry after the kids are grown - if the parent wanted to leave something to his/her own kids, the new spouse can end up with it all, and the new spouse's new spouse.
If widows remarry, it's very important to keep this in mind if they want their kids included.
Adding a step parent to a family might be a lot easier when the kids are very young and can easily adapt, and it might be a little easier when kids are 16 or 17 and about to leave home but there are ages that will be much more difficult -- 11 would be such an age.
Some people do okay, one couple I know where both had custody and each had 3 children and were still young parents merged their families successfully. They decided that there would be distinguishing between the two sets of kids in any way - but the kids were very young and in the same age range. That would be more difficult with different age ranges or older kids.
And that's true even if they remarry after the kids are grown - if the parent wanted to leave something to his/her own kids, the new spouse can end up with it all, and the new spouse's new spouse.
If widows remarry, it's very important to keep this in mind if they want their kids included.
Adding a step parent to a family might be a lot easier when the kids are very young and can easily adapt, and it might be a little easier when kids are 16 or 17 and about to leave home but there are ages that will be much more difficult -- 11 would be such an age.
Some people do okay, one couple I know where both had custody and each had 3 children and were still young parents merged their families successfully. They decided that there would be distinguishing between the two sets of kids in any way - but the kids were very young and in the same age range. That would be more difficult with different age ranges or older kids.
I agree and coming from my dad *an attorney* he has always said this is an area he has seen again and again. Parents either entrusting the well being of the estate to a new spouse, or just not worrying over a will, because in the end "things will work themselves out".
Mel,
I couldn't get through all the posts, but I read enough to see this is not the right place for advice. IMO you are being confronted by a group of angry ex-wives who probably have an ax to grind with the new woman in their ex-husband's life. It's not unusual. Bitter ex-wives are a HUGE reason blended families can become so dysfunctional, and that is a fact.
I wanted to respond to this so the OP wouldn't take it as fact. Many of us who have responded and who are on the child's "side" are not angry or bitter ex-wives but are, in fact, women who have had only one husband and are in a happy marriage. A few of us have been married long enough to have adult children.
So that theory simply isn't true.
Last edited by DewDropInn; 07-29-2012 at 11:02 AM..
I wanted to respond to this so the OP wouldn't take it as fact. Many of us who have responded and who are on the child's "side" are not angry or bitter ex-wives but are, in fact, women who have had only one husband and are in a happy marriage. A few of us have been married long enough to have adult children.
So that theory simply isn't true.
(And speaking for myself I never had a step-mother so "evil step-mother" wasn't even in my head when I responded. I was kind of surprised when it was first brought up, that's how far removed it was from my own thinking.)
Sadly, the evil step mother is more common than you think. Step parents can feel threatened by the ongoing relationship their spouse has with an ex because of a child and blame the child without even realizing what they are doing especially if it's a girl. A girl often resembles her mother who is the husband's ex in this case. It's hard enough marrying someone who was married before without wathching him deal with his ex all the time. If there are no kids, there's a clean break. If there are kids, they are in a relationship for life. I see far more step monsters than I do ex wives creating issues. It's easy to feel threatened by someone your ex was once in love with and take it out on the child who keeps your dh tied to his ex. Plus men tend to dump the child on the step mother and that does not help.
No, this is not apparent to her, because this is not what I show to her. When I came here to VENT, I did just that. I've never heard of anyone sugarcoating or being sweet in their rants or vents. This is pent up frustration from a 2 yr time period of dealing with this situation which is worsening.
I've been nothing but nice to her. I've gone out of my way for her. I've taken her out to lunch, nail salons, arcades, pizza, movies, just a picnic in the park. I've tried to build a relationship with her. Everything I've done, she's mostly rejected. No, I'm not her mother. I didn't cheat on her dad, over and over again. I don't lie to her or him. I don't say one thing and do another. I'll never be her mother, nor do I want to be.
All I wanted to be was her friend. In the beginning it was just that. Until we announced our engagement. Then she realized I wasn't going away and the war broke out. There were little things here and there prior, but it didn't really ramp up until just recently.
My original post was not to get me involved. It simply was a way to ask for strangers' help in a situation. If I didn't care for this girl or for her relationship with her father, why would I have even bothered in the first place?
Your husband was always in his daughter's life, he helped shape her personality. Anybody who doesn't ignore this child's negative behavior is contributing to an unwanted out come. She wants to be with her friends. Invite her for the weekend and tell her she can bring a friend. My parents were divorced, and my father was smart about the time he spent with me. I was an only child and he would let me bring a friend on our outings. We always had fun and I didn't feel like I was missing anything at home.
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If she did, it supports your case. 
