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Sounds like you do not like this girl because she is not yours. That's natural..also what I saw in your essay was that you mentioned every negative thing about this child and did not mention one good attribute- no person - adult or child is totally bad. The girl knows you do not love her...and I am sure she has told her mother all about you- and her mother is now using the girl to punish the father too punish YOU.
You got off on the wrong foot with this girl- The fact that the mother does not show proper child protection in regards to allowing premature sexuality is because there is no male protector available- The primary function of a father is no so much to provide but to protect. Maybe all that time he was not protecting his own daughter...from possibly you.. that's just a theory...so don't pay it too much heed.
In marriage the first object of care- respect and loyalty is to the spouse...The woman comes first- the man comes first- not the child...a couple must be a united powerful front. They should be as ONE....the rest then takes care of itself- now this kid can play not just two parents against each other but probably four. Time to go back to the old fashioned way of doing things..."Flesh of my flesh bone of my bone -forsaking all others" That used to be marriage...now it;s out of order and a mess...Stand together...This is actually your first real marriage- do it right this time- and don't sit their and nit pick at some kid- Have some adult dignity.
Sounds like you do not like this girl because she is not yours. That's natural..also what I saw in your essay was that you mentioned every negative thing about this child and did not mention one good attribute- no person - adult or child is totally bad. The girl knows you do not love her...and I am sure she has told her mother all about you- and her mother is now using the girl to punish the father too punish YOU.
You got off on the wrong foot with this girl- The fact that the mother does not show proper child protection in regards to allowing premature sexuality is because there is no male protector available- The primary function of a father is no so much to provide but to protect. Maybe all that time he was not protecting his own daughter...from possibly you.. that's just a theory...so don't pay it too much heed.
In marriage the first object of care- respect and loyalty is to the spouse...The woman comes first- the man comes first- not the child...a couple must be a united powerful front. They should be as ONE....the rest then takes care of itself- now this kid can play not just two parents against each other but probably four. Time to go back to the old fashioned way of doing things..."Flesh of my flesh bone of my bone -forsaking all others" That used to be marriage...now it;s out of order and a mess...Stand together...This is actually your first real marriage- do it right this time- and don't sit their and nit pick at some kid- Have some adult dignity.
Why on earth is a second marriage of one month between two forty year olds more important than than a father's obligation to his own child?
It certainly depends on the situation. Shall your children come first before YOUR marriage, whether it's a remarriage or not?
In some situations, absolutely.
But lets be clear here, this CHILD is in this situations through no fault of her own. Her parents choices have resulted in these issues, therefore THEY should be the one to make the necessary sacrifices to help her.
You keep harping about how this CHILD needs to modify her behavior for the benefit of a non-related ADULT. That is BS.
The woman said, in the very first post, that she was trying to find a way for the husband to IMPROVE his relationship with his daughter, and she asked for advice. How did that morph into she wants the kid to go away? She SAID she didn't think it was right for him to not see his daughter even though the kid is a holy terror and she wanted to know if anyone could think of some way to get the ball rolling again.
All the "we're happy and want to stay that way" talk was in response to the idea that they move apart now that they are married.
It feels like she is being punished for daring to speak ill of a kid who is pretty difficult to like. Clearly, she wants the husband to KEEP TRYING with this child, that's why she is here.
Clearly, she just wants to hear people tell her that she and the hubby are the victims here and that they should dump the kid.
But lets be clear here, this CHILD is in this situations through no fault of her own. Her parents choices have resulted in these issues, therefore THEY should be the one to make the necessary sacrifices to help her.
You keep harping about how this CHILD needs to modify her behavior for the benefit of a non-related ADULT. That is BS.
Unfortunately, immature adults often think children should do the adjusting. It is the adults who need to do the adjusting here, BEFORE this girl ends up a teen pregnancy stat sleeping on their couch. Won't that be fun to deal with every day.
The woman said, in the very first post, that she was trying to find a way for the husband to IMPROVE his relationship with his daughter, and she asked for advice. How did that morph into she wants the kid to go away? She SAID she didn't think it was right for him to not see his daughter even though the kid is a holy terror and she wanted to know if anyone could think of some way to get the ball rolling again.
All the "we're happy and want to stay that way" talk was in response to the idea that they move apart now that they are married.
It feels like she is being punished for daring to speak ill of a kid who is pretty difficult to like. Clearly, she wants the husband to KEEP TRYING with this child, that's why she is here.
Whether the child is likable or not, she's a child. She didn't make this situation. Her parents did. Dad walking away is NOT the answer for this child. It may suit his new bride but it's wrong. She needs to step back and let dad have a relationship with his daughter without her around. She's the newcommer to this situation. She needs to remember the daughter was here first and should take priority with her dad.
The daughter will grow up and there will be plenty of couple time for them after she does. If they don't fix this, they could end up with the girl and a deadbeat boyfriend who is the father of her baby living in their spare room. The solution is to do what is necessary to keep this girl in school, get her on the right track and help her achieve independence. Then they won't have to worry about her and can concentrate on themselves.
This really has nothing to do with the girl not being likable. That is never jusification for not doing right by a child.
Whether the child is likable or not, she's a child. She didn't make this situation. Her parents did. Dad walking away is NOT the answer for this child. It may suit his new bride but it's wrong. She needs to step back and let dad have a relationship with his daughter without her around. She's the newcommer to this situation. She needs to remember the daughter was here first and should take priority with her dad.
The daughter will grow up and there will be plenty of couple time for them after she does. If they don't fix this, they could end up with the girl and a deadbeat boyfriend who is the father of her baby living in their spare room. The solution is to do what is necessary to keep this girl in school, get her on the right track and help her achieve independence. Then they won't have to worry about her and can concentrate on themselves.
This really has nothing to do with the girl not being likable. That is never jusification for not doing right by a child.
This is exactly why this conversation is so confusing to me.
She DID back off and let him be a dad. OP detailed everything she had done in the situation. Not try to take over and be the mom, make repeated efforts to get along with the girl, backed off when the kid rejected her, left the room when the kid was visiting do she could be alone with her dad, encouraged the dad to take DD out alone, followed his lead in whatever rules he set, remained polite and nice to the child at all times (even after the girl killed her fish, tried to hurt her cat, and repeatedly lied about her actions), attended family therapy when asked, supported her husband in every parenting decision he made.
The husband laid down the law when the girl was with him during visitation, sent her to 2 different therapists, kept up visits for 2 years even though the child was very difficult during this time and the mother was uncooperative. It sounded like he only allowed her to get out of visitation because the therapist told him it would be a good idea. He's continuing therapy ALONE so HE can better learn how to cope with the situation. He even talked to his lawyer about getting full custody, and was told it would be next to impossible to obtain. Even though his daughter is now not talking to him, he repeatedly calls, leaves messages, and comes by. He's even going to send her money for her birthday.
Even after all of that, the OP is still on here trying to find a way to get the dad and his daughter back together. These people sound like they are trying.
I don't see people who don't care about the child. And I am really confused as to how it keeps being asserted that the OP and her hubby haven't *tried* to do right by the child. If you think they should do something different, fine. But to act as if they are contemptable seems OTT judgmental, at least to me.
And to take everything I posted and just focus on the word "unlikeable"... I mean really? That kind of proves my point. Everything that actually happened is being ignored, and instead there is a focus on the fact that the OP dares not to like the girl. The fact she's trying to get them together doesn't matter... how dare she not LIKE the kid????
That little girl wouldn't be my favorite person in the world either, but I sure would try to get her and her dad to a better place anyway. Because that is the right thing to do. That's all I see going on here.
This is exactly why this conversation is so confusing to me.
She DID back off and let him be a dad. OP detailed everything she had done in the situation. Not try to take over and be the mom, make repeated efforts to get along with the girl, backed off when the kid rejected her, left the room when the kid was visiting do she could be alone with her dad, encouraged the dad to take DD out alone, followed his lead in whatever rules he set, remained polite and nice to the child at all times (even after the girl killed her fish, tried to hurt her cat, and repeatedly lied about her actions), attended family therapy when asked, supported her husband in every parenting decision he made.
The husband laid down the law when the girl was with him during visitation, sent her to 2 different therapists, kept up visits for 2 years even though the child was very difficult during this time and the mother was uncooperative. It sounded like he only allowed her to get out of visitation because the therapist told him it would be a good idea. He's continuing therapy ALONE so HE can better learn how to cope with the situation. He even talked to his lawyer about getting full custody, and was told it would be next to impossible to obtain. Even though his daughter is now not talking to him, he repeatedly calls, leaves messages, and comes by. He's even going to send her money for her birthday.
Even after all of that, the OP is still on here trying to find a way to get the dad and his daughter back together. These people sound like they are trying.
I don't see people who don't care about the child. And I am really confused as to how it keeps being asserted that the OP and her hubby haven't *tried* to do right by the child. If you think they should do something different, fine. But to act as if they are contemptable seems OTT judgmental, at least to me.
And to take everything I posted and just focus on the word "unlikeable"... I mean really? That kind of proves my point. Everything that actually happened is being ignored, and instead there is a focus on the fact that the OP dares not to like the girl. The fact she's trying to get them together doesn't matter... how dare she not LIKE the kid????
That little girl wouldn't be my favorite person in the world either, but I sure would try to get her and her dad to a better place anyway. Because that is the right thing to do. That's all I see going on here.
Her first post was full of justifications for throwing in the towel. That is the one thing you do not do. My original suggestion still stands, dad needs to have date nights with his daughter sans the new wife. I'd suggest dad take weekend trips with the daughter sans the new wife. Get her out of the situation, completely and away from negative influences. Yes, this girl is out of control but she's out of control because the adults in her life are allowing it. She is a child. They are adults. No matter how hard, you do what you have to.
If mom won't discipline the daughter, then dad needs to go for custody.
This is from her first post. Note many are things they tried and gave up on.... The problem is they keep giving up!!! " Issues abound, but hubby's gotten to the point after trying to discipline and educate her only to have mom play the "good guy" and reverse everything the minute she gets home...that he's pretty much thrown up his hands in despair. We had her in individual counseling for a year but she lied to the therapist just to get sympathy/attn. We tried family counseling. She clammed up and wouldn't say a thing. Blames her father for everything, even after she was told her mother caused the divorce. We have rules at our place, mom does not. We don't allow her to have unsupervised contact with her bf, mom does. She started making excuses to not come over and when we forced her to, would sit and pout. We've had family game nights, she doesn't want to participate. We've gone on family outings, she pouts or appears bored the entire time. We've sat her down for discussions, nothing. She just doesn't engage at all.
Here are my issues with this:
You don't throw up your hands in dispair when fighting for your child
Kids lie to counselors...so??? Let them. It comes out in the end. I don't even want to know the lies my dd told her therapist. She stayed in counseling.
"WE" tried family counseling? I hope WE doesn't include the step mother. She's not this girl's family. You can bet your bottom dollar I would have clammed up if my step mother had sat in on "family" counseling with me and my father as if she were part of MY family. Assuming they had the sense to have family counseling with just the daughter and her father, you don't quit because the girl clams up. You keep going until she starts talking. I feel for this girl. The adults in her life keep quitting on her as if she's not worth the trouble.
WHY was this girl told her mother caused the divorce???? Who caused the divorce is not the business of a child!!
Mom having one set of rules and dad another is why this girl needs to live with her dad (if the mom is as bad as they say, they'll be able to get custody). She needs consistency.
Maybe the girl doesn't like family game nights or the family outings that were planned because this is NOT HER FAMILY!!!! Her family WAS her mom, her dad and her. Not her dad, this stranger and her. Of course she balks at "family" game nights. It's just a reminder that her family has been torn apart. THEY are not a family and they need to get over that notion. It is the father and the daughter who should be doing things together...skip the pretend family. The girl knows the score.
They want instant results. When they don't get them they quit and try something else. There is value in sticking with something long enough to see if it works. (BTW, my dd just finished her third year of counseling. There are times when it seems like a waste and I know she lies to her counselor about me but this isn't about me. It's about her. She doesn't want to go back but I'm thinking she's not done yet.)
This girl needs her dad back. It sounds like she thinks she lost him to her step mother. I'd suggest dad and daughter get back into family counseling and dad and daughter plan outings that take them out of the situation and away from boyfriends. Someone mentioned earlier that a father's duty is to protect. He needs to protect his little girl before she ruins her life and, possibly, theirs too.
One thing the OP needs to keep in mind is that this is temporary. This girl will grow up and get on with her life and when she does, there will be plenty of time for them to snuggle on the couch.
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Unfortunately, immature adults often think children should do the adjusting. It is the adults who need to do the adjusting here, BEFORE this girl ends up a teen pregnancy stat sleeping on their couch. Won't that be fun to deal with every day.
(BTW, my dd just finished her third year of counseling. There are times when it seems like a waste and I know she lies to her counselor about me but this isn't about me. It's about her. She doesn't want to go back but I'm thinking she's not done yet.)
