News, School district bans father-daughter, mother-son events (support, learning, students)
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What about the kids who have parents who don't care, and would never dream of attending these kids of events? Should we cancel all family events at school so those kids don't feel hurt? Or should we stop Mothers' and Fathers' day because some don't have a mother or father?
FWIW, my husband died suddenly when my children were rather young. It hurts both them and me when they don't have a dad to bring to donuts with dad, father/daughter, etc. but I also know the world shouldn't bend over backwards to accommodate us.
I can't imagine losing my husband as (relatively) young parents. Your post gave me an epiphany of sorts.
The reason is hurts is because you miss him. You want him at these events, you want your children to have their dad at these events. You hurt because you love him. You do not hurt because your school is having an event for kids and dads. You do not hurt because you feel the school is trying to drive home the point that your beloved husband and father is gone. You hurt because of HIM.
This is a very important distinction to make and one that I hope those on the emotional sensitivity high road understand.
Having been on the other side of this issue....being the child care center who put on these events, here is my experience. Granted these are younger children than elementary age, and a privately owned business, however it would still be affected by parents filing complaints because they feel slighted.
We had muffins for mom, donuts for dad and grandparents day. The idea is based on the fact that most moms, dads and grandparents love to do things with these kids and are proud to be part of their everyday lives. They enjoy seeing where the kids spend hours everyday WHILE they are actually there instead of after hours. They enjoy meeting and chatting with other adults and the children while they are there.
More importantly it gives the kids the opportunity to have something special for each person separate from the others and basically on their own turf - child care/school and that comes from THEM. Most of the kids have great pride in doing this, worked hard to be prepared, often looked forward to it for weeks and took ownership of the event.
Now, we did work hard to ensure that the children who didn't have someone to attend one of the events never felt excluded. They were paired up with other children and their guest, they helped serve the food and/or they greeted everyone.
Sure, sometimes the guest was not the intended person which was always ok with us, but somehow it just didn't give the same satisfaction to the child. Actually the children who were paired up with others or helped were usually far more excited about the whole thing than those who brought someone different. Perhaps that was due to our diligence in building up their important participation in contrast to what they understood from the parent/family member in being second choice.
Ironically, some moms felt they spent enough time with their kids and didn't need the special event but the dads did everything in their power to take the time and make the effort to attend and attendance was amazing. Plus many grandparents scheduled their vacation just so they could come, no matter where they lived.
The child who was embarrassed, lost, confused, resentful, depressed or angry was an extremely rare case. It certainly wasn't because they were the only ones without a parent/grandparent as we had a huge variety of family situations. It was almost always because their parents/family members made such a big deal out of them NOT having the person asked to come and was a direct reflection of their attitude.
There are plenty of ways to celebrate differences without exclusion however changing the name won't change the intent of such events. Celebrating moms around mother's day in May, dad's around father's day in June and grandparents around their day in Sept. which is when most of these events are scheduled wont be affected by a name change. Everyone knows the reason. Changing the name won't change the intent of a dance or a ball game. However, it very well may change the event from special to ordinary.
Thanks for posting this. I believe this is the intent and the spirit behind such events. Some parents do want to participate in their child's school life, have a chance to meet classmates that their child speaks of, and their parents, talk to the teacher, see their child's artwork...or go to a special dance or game with their son or daughter. I think by making it to where a child does not HAVE to bring a parent, but any special adult in their lives, makes it inclusive to all kids. And for the child who has absolutely no one to bring, I would hope that the teacher would do just what you describe and make the child feel included and special in other ways. I think it would be a very rare scenario where a teacher or school would deliberately exclude a child because their biological mother or father can't or won't attend.
No matter what the name of the event is, if it is open to any adult, then it is inclusive enough imo. As eastwesteastagain stated, there are ways of being sensitive to children with different family situations without having to go overboard. Having to tiptoe around calling something 'mother' or 'father' seems to be a bit much.
I can't imagine losing my husband as (relatively) young parents. Your post gave me an epiphany of sorts.
The reason is hurts is because you miss him. You want him at these events, you want your children to have their dad at these events. You hurt because you love him. You do not hurt because your school is having an event for kids and dads. You do not hurt because you feel the school is trying to drive home the point that your beloved husband and father is gone. You hurt because of HIM.
This is a very important distinction to make and one that I hope those on the emotional sensitivity high road understand.
Thank you, Magritte, for the wonderfully written post.
That distinction is what colors my opinion on this one. There will always been feelings of sadness for my children at any dad-related event (and rightfully so, IMO), but like you sad, the feelings of sadness are because of HIM. Not because there's a dads' day at school. And in all honesty, I'd be perfectly happy if they made these events gender inclusive, but I think it toes a dangerous line, and I don't think it's appropriate to do everything in the name of not offending someone.
I can't imagine losing my husband as (relatively) young parents. Your post gave me an epiphany of sorts.
The reason is hurts is because you miss him. You want him at these events, you want your children to have their dad at these events. You hurt because you love him. You do not hurt because your school is having an event for kids and dads. You do not hurt because you feel the school is trying to drive home the point that your beloved husband and father is gone. You hurt because of HIM.
This is a very important distinction to make and one that I hope those on the emotional sensitivity high road understand.
This is so true, and such an insightful post. Whether there is a father/daughter day or a "family" day, a child who's parent has died is going to live with the pain of that. I remember my mother saying, "I wish your daddy could have been here to see this" for a number of events...whether it be Donuts with Dad, band concerts, prom, homecoming, or graduation. But because he wasn't doesn't mean those events shouldn't have happened for other kids. I am very grateful to my mom for not allowing us to wallow in self pity or to expect pity from others. Yes, we were sad, and yes it did hurt, but we learned to live with it.
This is so true, and such an insightful post. Whether there is a father/daughter day or a "family" day, a child who's parent has died is going to live with the pain of that. I remember my mother saying, "I wish your daddy could have been here to see this" for a number of events...whether it be Donuts with Dad, band concerts, prom, homecoming, or graduation. But because he wasn't doesn't mean those events shouldn't have happened for other kids. I am very grateful to my mom for not allowing us to wallow in self pity or to expect pity from others. Yes, we were sad, and yes it did hurt, but we learned to live with it.
Same here. My hurt also came at random times, when my friend couldn't hang out because she was hanging with her dad, or when he picked us up when my car broke down 500 miles away from home, or when he sat and talked to us while we ate an afternoon snack, or when he took her on college tours as I browsed catalogs. I wished more than anything I had someone there like that for me. But I would never negate what she has because I didnt have it. Nobody is denying it is painful .... But life does not stop, and we can't accommodate everyone's circumstances.
Margritte25 gets it. The other issue with this is the socioeconomic slant, some kids have parents who can easily manage to attend these events. Their work is flexible enough to go to school, and maybe get to work late. However, some Moms and Dads can't get off work, and have the guilt of missing an event at school, kids may not understand that sometimes you just can't miss work.
Change the name all you'd like, it won't change the intent.
You keep ignoring my question: For children who DO have both parents that refuse to come, how are these events fair to THEM?
I never once said the event wasn't fair, it inherently CAN'T be fair.
What I said and continue to say is it can at least try to be inclusive. A simple name change hurts NO ONE and even if it spares one child pain, what is the problem?
It isn't about fairness, it is about inclusion vs. exclusion, and if you cannot understand that difference I have no idea what to tell you.
Care to share an example? All names and details changed to protect the innocent, of course.
I had a student whose mother died of cancer his freshman year, nice outgoing kid who was class president. He would not participate in our district wide mother/son dance (even though his Aunt was more than willing to go) and when he was a senior, and another student in his grade lost his mother in a house fire, he was the one who suggested we rename the mother/son baseball game and father/daughter field events, into Family Field Day, in order to include all families regardless of their make up.
Do you need more than that? Should I make a spread sheet?
What about the kids who have parents who don't care, and would never dream of attending these kids of events? Should we cancel all family events at school so those kids don't feel hurt? Or should we stop Mothers' and Fathers' day because some don't have a mother or father?
FWIW, my husband died suddenly when my children were rather young. It hurts both them and me when they don't have a dad to bring to donuts with dad, father/daughter, etc. but I also know the world shouldn't bend over backwards to accommodate us.
Yes, a name change is absolutely "the world bending over backwards to accommodate" children.
I had a student whose mother died of cancer his freshman year, nice outgoing kid who was class president. He would not participate in our district wide mother/son dance (even though his Aunt was more than willing to go) and when he was a senior, and another student in his grade lost his mother in a house fire, he was the one who suggested we rename the mother/son baseball game and father/daughter field events, into Family Field Day, in order to include all families regardless of their make up.
Do you need more than that? Should I make a spread sheet?
As I said up thread, different kids are going to have different responses. I think your example is valid. I also think the people on this thread who have lost parents as children or whose children have lost a parent saying no name change is needed also have valid responses.
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