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I was in your situation at one time, and although my dd was much younger than your son, she still asked. I agree that short term answers, like "Daddy is going to be away for a while," will suffice until emotions and tempers subside a little, and you know where his dad really stands. At that time, you will have to tell the truth, which will be challenging. You don't want to verbally rip apart the deadbeat parent, but at the same time you have to let the kid know that it's that parent's problems that are the issue, NOT him. But you won't have to cross that bridge until you get to it. Good luck.
Men mature and change their minds with age. It is possible that at some point in the future he will want to see his kids.
I would not do anything to make them think poorly of their father (although that IS the case!), rather I would say he will be "away" for quite a while and you don't know when he will be back. Or something which leaves the future open to their possibly seeing him again.
Exactly
My exhusband was not there for his children, distant, and had no interest. Now they are grown and on their own and suddenly he wants to make up for his past to them. It is really theirs to deal with him on their terms. Although it gripes me, that he wasn't there when they needed him. They are old enough and whole and can deal with it.
I am glad that I was either neutral or negative about their Dad to them so now they are making their decisions from where do I stand today, what do I want, and how do I feel not the negative baggage that could have been.
So just put the child off in a kind way, don't close any doors, and live today with your wonderful child. Things can change down the road and some things are best left unsaid.
My children's father and I split up last night permanently. My three year old is asking for his daddy. But, the truth of the matter is his dad no longer wants to see them - "they are no longer his responsibility". Keep in mind this is their biological dad that they have known their entire lives and have seen frequently. How I am supposed to respond to my son asking for his dad when I know he is not going to see him again?
The truth.
A kid whose father doesn't want to see him, needs to completely trust the parent who will be raising him alone. He doesn't need lies, he will sense the lies and learn he cannot trust anyone.
I think you just tell him that Dad wants to go away and maybe someday he'll change his mind but don't sugarcoat it. Make sure the child knows it's the fault of that parent, not the fault of the child in any way.
And you don't have to make the truth be bitter, you explain to the child that you don't know why dad is how he is, maybe he got into drugs and they messed up his thinking (if that's what you think) but you say it matter-of-fact. Make it clear you will never never leave him.
A kid whose father doesn't want to see him, needs to completely trust the parent who will be raising him alone. He doesn't need lies, he will sense the lies and learn he cannot trust anyone.
I think you just tell him that Dad wants to go away and maybe someday he'll change his mind but don't sugarcoat it. Make sure the child knows it's the fault of that parent, not the fault of the child in any way.
And you don't have to make the truth be bitter, you explain to the child that you don't know why dad is how he is, maybe he got into drugs and they messed up his thinking (if that's what you think) but you say it matter-of-fact. Make it clear you will never never leave him.
This is the best tack to take. And if the father really doesn't ever see the kid again, chances are that at the age of three, most memory of dad will fade for the most part.
Although, my friend's daughter last saw her father when she was around two, and she remembers it. She said he had orange hair and was wearing an orange shirt. Both accurate--he was a redhead just like she is, and he was in jail, wearing an orange jumpsuit.
This just happened, let the tempers cool and see where this goes, no need to alarm your kids, they are very young. Things can be said during heated arguments, this doesn't mean it's forever.
He'll probably change his mind, not about a relationship with you, but with his kids.
Regardless of what happens, it is never appropriate to burst a kid's bubble. That is not your job. Let the experience speak for itself. You will be there, in any case - his dad may or may not . . .it's too painful to say "Your dad doesn't want to see you." How is a kid supposed to process that? You have to protect your child and if that means distracting him or changing the subject or being vague, then I believe that is in the child's best interests. You aren't God - you don't know what the dad is or is not going to do in the future. All you can do is make the best of each day. Please don't be dramatic and try to process YOUR feelings with your kid.
OP, I got teary just reading your post. I can't imagine how a father would want to completely cut off ties with his child.
Quote:
Originally Posted by flyonpa
He & His Dad have a right to see each other. Don't Tell him he will never see him again.
You and him Split up, You (and Him) should grow up, be adults, and maybe thru a 3rd party work out a visitation schedule. Before this wind up in court, cost you and him (and that will hurt the kids both financially and emotically). And unless he been abusing the kids, he will win.
flyonpa, your post is extremely absurd. You should re-read the OP.
Regardless of what happens, it is never appropriate to burst a kid's bubble. That is not your job. Let the experience speak for itself. You will be there, in any case - his dad may or may not . . .it's too painful to say "Your dad doesn't want to see you." How is a kid supposed to process that? You have to protect your child and if that means distracting him or changing the subject or being vague, then I believe that is in the child's best interests. You aren't God - you don't know what the dad is or is not going to do in the future. All you can do is make the best of each day. Please don't be dramatic and try to process YOUR feelings with your kid.
Your job as a parent is to help a child deal with the truth. The parent that has abandoned the child has burst the bubble, there is no good reason for the remaining parent to lie to the child or try to pretend it's something other than what it is, you don't put out false hope. What some parents in such a situation might do is tell the child that the dad really loves him and wants to see him but that only teaches a child that love means abandonment, that love is a useless emotion.
You don't come out and say "your dad doesn't want to see you" but don't have to cover up or make up lies that the dad really does want to see him but cannot.
What can happen is later dear ole dad reenters the child's life and wants to manipulate the child against the stable parent by saying things like "your mother kept you from me", "your mother wouldn't allow me to see you", "nothing was my fault, poor little me", trying to put the blame on the abandoned parent.
Deep down kids know that if that other parent is alive, then that parent chooses not to visit or see him. Yes, it might hurt but that's how facing the truth head on is more helpful. You acknowledge the reality and then help the child go on from there. Dad's out there somewhere, Dad's alive, who knows if Dad's ever going to call again or come and visit, he can when he wants to. A three year old might not understand much more than just that, an older child may need to discuss how he or she feels about Dad never coming around anymore, never calling, and then you can admit you don't know why a parent can be that way.
Your job as a parent is to help a child deal with the truth. The parent that has abandoned the child has burst the bubble, there is no good reason for the remaining parent to lie to the child or try to pretend it's something other than what it is, you don't put out false hope. What some parents in such a situation might do is tell the child that the dad really loves him and wants to see him but that only teaches a child that love means abandonment, that love is a useless emotion.
You don't come out and say "your dad doesn't want to see you" but don't have to cover up or make up lies that the dad really does want to see him but cannot.
What can happen is later dear ole dad reenters the child's life and wants to manipulate the child against the stable parent by saying things like "your mother kept you from me", "your mother wouldn't allow me to see you", "nothing was my fault, poor little me", trying to put the blame on the abandoned parent.
Deep down kids know that if that other parent is alive, then that parent chooses not to visit or see him. Yes, it might hurt but that's how facing the truth head on is more helpful. You acknowledge the reality and then help the child go on from there. Dad's out there somewhere, Dad's alive, who knows if Dad's ever going to call again or come and visit, he can when he wants to. A three year old might not understand much more than just that, an older child may need to discuss how he or she feels about Dad never coming around anymore, never calling, and then you can admit you don't know why a parent can be that way.
This is one of the best posts I have ever read in this forum.
Your job as a parent is to help a child deal with the truth. The parent that has abandoned the child has burst the bubble, there is no good reason for the remaining parent to lie to the child or try to pretend it's something other than what it is, you don't put out false hope. What some parents in such a situation might do is tell the child that the dad really loves him and wants to see him but that only teaches a child that love means abandonment, that love is a useless emotion.
You don't come out and say "your dad doesn't want to see you" but don't have to cover up or make up lies that the dad really does want to see him but cannot.
What can happen is later dear ole dad reenters the child's life and wants to manipulate the child against the stable parent by saying things like "your mother kept you from me", "your mother wouldn't allow me to see you", "nothing was my fault, poor little me", trying to put the blame on the abandoned parent.
Deep down kids know that if that other parent is alive, then that parent chooses not to visit or see him. Yes, it might hurt but that's how facing the truth head on is more helpful. You acknowledge the reality and then help the child go on from there. Dad's out there somewhere, Dad's alive, who knows if Dad's ever going to call again or come and visit, he can when he wants to. A three year old might not understand much more than just that, an older child may need to discuss how he or she feels about Dad never coming around anymore, never calling, and then you can admit you don't know why a parent can be that way.
This is a very extreme reaction, considering this JUST happened, did a similar situation happen to you?
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