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I don't know how to say this so you and others will understand - a child of three is too young to hear "your dad has left and is never coming back" or "doesn't want to ever see you again." First of all, who knows how things will play out? Secondly, if that was the truth (and there is no way to know that or assume that at this early stage of the game) you wouldn't bring it to a three year old's attention (or any young age) . . .it's unnecessary cruelty . . .
If you don't understand that, I don't know what to tell you.
That's not what i said either. You're twisting things. In fact you don't say "daddy doesn't want to see you again". You let the child know that daddy is okay, daddy is out there somewhere and he can call or visit when he wants.
A three year old is very likely wondering "where is my daddy", "is my daddy dead", "is my daddy kidnapped", or something that they would worry about. The child may fear that something awful happened. The mother needs to reassure the child that nothing bad happened, daddy is out there, he went to live with a friend, he is fine and he can call or visit when he feels like it. If the child asks when, then it's "I don't know when but when he wants to he can".
Never put out some false hope -- with the OP's case, the father may have been angry but it's obviously something he's considering or he wouldn't have said it. And never lie to a child if you want to build trust. And don't think lies help someone to deal with issues. They really don't.
And it's okay for the OP to tell her child she doesn't know why dad isn't calling but it's important for her too reassure the child that he's not injured or dead or on a short business trip. He's at his friends because he wants to be there and he can call or visit when he wants to. That's simple and that's the truth.
And to the OP -- tell the child the truth, answer the immediate question with answer needed at the time. Later the child may ask again one when Daddy is going to visit or call but you still don't know, and you still say he can whenever he wants to and be prepared for the next question a three year old might ask next, which could be "can we get a puppy".
Good grief, this only took place a day ago, what is the point of saying anything at this time. First of all the child is only three, secondly, the father may change his mind whe he cools down and finally, so many times the parents end back up over and over again.
Right this minute, I wouldn't do anything, WTH's the rush?
How about "I don't know" since she really DOESN'T know? What happens when, after she's given the kids the lowdown on what a jerk their dad is and how he wants nothing to do with them, he comes around? Then SHE looks like the liar and the troublemaker, and they've been hurt unneccesarily. They will figure out on their own, when they're old enough, that their father will not be a part of their life, and at the right time, perhaps she can explain in an age appropriate way why he's not. I can't imagine telling a child of any age "your dad said he doesn't want anything else to do with you." Yes, that might be the truth, but how much harm would it cause a child to be told point blank that their own parent doesn't want them? There are ways of letting him know that his dad won't be around without destroying him with the "truth."
And kids adjust...the little boy will get used to his dad not being around, and it will become the new normal. Kids don't question what is normal to them. When he gets around school age, he may begin to want to know why he doesn't have a dad and that would be the time to sit down and gently explain to him that his dad has issues that prevent him from being the parent that he should. But, she has time before it comes to that, and it may never get to that point.
This whole post is great, the bolded is especially true.
This happened to me, and I don't remember a thing about it. I think if the kid was older, you would have to tell him something, but at age 3, they'll pretty much go with the flow.
Obviously I can't speak for all kids, but there was no need for my mother to go into any detail whatsoever about why my dad wasn't around and what his motivations were. It just was what it was. I don't see the need for unnecessarily burdening a child with adult foibles. If the kid wants to know later on then you tell them, but why make a kid miserable when they might otherwise handle it just fine?
Especially seeing as no one knows whether dad is serious or just blowing off steam.
Whatever you decide to do about this kid and his father please be EXTREMELY careful about any future men you bring into his life. One betrayal and abandonment might not gork him entirely but a pattern of loser men in any kid's life can mean a very difficult way of life and it won't turn out well. Be very picky and careful if there is a next time.
As usual, we have the extreme people here who have convinced themselves that anyone that suggests the OP tell the child the truth really means to sit the child down and say something on the order of "you're dad thinks you're useless, rotten and no good and never wants to see you again." Really?
There is a way to tell the child and it has been pointed out here. "I don't know when he will call/visit..." is a perfectly fine answer. So is "I'm not sure when dad will call/visit." "Your dad will always know where we are if he wants to call us." That is really all that you can say. You can only tell the child-- in as smooth a way as possible-- what is, not what it should be, what you hope it to be, or take a chance and say something that you hope will happen. If you are truthful, it can never come back and bite you in the behind later.
I do agree with those that are saying this is entirely too soon to be preparing something to say when this entire situation could change at the drop of a hat when people cool off. If the father moves away from the area and after a time the child begins to ask where he is, then the conversation can happen. There is no reason whatsoever to be proactive in this situation.
I wouldn't say any more than necessary at this point. I would say Dad had to go away for a while and I'm not sure when he'll be back. Like him or not I hope he is there for the child's birthdays and Christmas.
And the OP asked what she "will" tell the child, not what she is telling the child at this very moment.
Actually for a 3 year old asking where is dad, it's an easy enough answer, wait until the more difficult questions come. They won't be about the missing parent.
If this father chooses to follow through with what he threatened, the child will be okay, and this is actually far too common. The tougher questions will be to the mother: "if you had to do it over again, would you have married him?", "would you have had a baby with him?" And that answer is a little more difficult and needs some thought. That's when the child is questioning if mom wishes the child didn't exist. If she had to do it over again, would she prefer that her child was never born, never conceived, never existed?
A three year old won't ask that but an older child might.
OMG. Tempers are flaring. It would be childish to tell a child anything at this point. Let things cool off and let your child know he is loved and will always be taken care of, if anything - if you have to explain Daddy's absence, say, "Daddy is going to go live somewhere else for awhile" or something. Anything else would be premature and could really traumatize the child.
this is good advice
he may have said things out of anger- its not right,,,but I dont think he's in any frame of mind to make these decisions, and even if he did,,,im willing to bet,,,he will change his mind,,
do not,,tell a child this....as a parent you are a protector,,,particularly, when the other parent is or may be absent..
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