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That helps? It seems to me it would just make the younger one angrier! It would have with my younger one, for sure.
duh!! do you think that saying something to the oldest when the younger one wasn't listening might work?
The older child does need to understand that there is a age difference that can affect the younger child's behavior. The younger one needs to understand that she needs to "grow up" and it won't hurt to act like the older one.
The older one is expected to set the example. If she doesn't set a good one, that can make things worse.
duh!! do you think that saying something to the oldest when the younger one wasn't listening might work?
The older child does need to understand that there is a age difference that can affect the younger child's behavior. The younger one needs to understand that she needs to "grow up" and it won't hurt to act like the older one.
The older one is expected to set the example. If she doesn't set a good one, that can make things worse.
No, I think it's a terrible idea to go behind the younger one's back to talk about him/her. That's like you and the older one ganging up on the younger one. Kids are individuals, but they all mature at a similar pace (assuming one isn't special needs, of course). I had to remind myself frequently that my younger one was at the same, or similar, place at a certain age, say age 6, as the older one was at that same age. Kids will mature regardless of whether an older child exists to set an example. How do you think the first one got where s/he was?
I'd hate to be your younger child if that's your opinion of him/her! Honestly "who started it" generally IS irrelevant. Both kids are continuing it.
Look, I understand what you're saying, but some kids are button pushers!....BIG time! I had a button pusher.....but that doesn't mean that he was ALWAYS the instigator. When he was the younger brother, he was CONSTANTLY pushing his older brother's buttons. Punishing both of them would have been just WRONG! He got a friggin charge out of getting his older brother in trouble.
Along comes his younger brother.....ALWAYS starting crap with his younger brother. He'd get things going, then turn around and blame his younger brother for being such a little trouble maker. Nooooo, you need to know your kids and KNOW who is doing the troublemaking. Sometimes it's the younger brother, sometimes it's the older brother. In my sons' case (plural here), it was the MIDDLE brother who was the little button pusher. It's not fair to the ones who are being pestered, then defending themselves, to constantly be in trouble, every time the button pusher is looking for some action.
My hubby went through a period where he actually believed that this particular son was just being picked on by his siblings. Boy did he feel like a dummy when he finally HEARD him in action a couple of times. LOL "Yeah honey, you just keep defending him and he's going to keep it up until he feels like the hated outcast. Let him get away with that button pushing and every one of his siblings are going to HATE him. Do you want them to hate him? No? Then stop wearing those blinders! If you've got one who's always the "common denominator" in the problem...it's probably HIM whose starting it."
Perfectly put Beachy. I know my stuff here, I was one of those "pushers". I had 4 older brothers, and the cardinal rule in my house was "You never hit a girl".
Knowing that protected me from some deserved retribution, I never assumed the older child was always at fault when I had my own boys.
Perfectly put Beachy. I know my stuff here, I was one of those "pushers". I had 4 older brothers, and the cardinal rule in my house was "You never hit a girl".
Knowing that protected me from some deserved retribution, I never assumed the older child was always at fault when I had my own boys.
I'll be charitable and say this is the problem with the internet. I never said to assume the older child is always at fault. I said the parents often don't know. Even if the parents do see someone throw the first hit, they don't always know what precipitated that. So stop the fight and discipline both. If one of them is ranting on about "that's not fair", tell them life isn't fair.
What I do NOT agree with is the parent talking about the younger one with the older one (or vice versa for that matter) behind the other's back. I can see where this would lead, e.g. "Mom said you need to grow up" (PP's verbiage) or some such.
I'll be charitable and say this is the problem with the internet. I never said to assume the older child is always at fault. I said the parents often don't know. Even if the parents do see someone throw the first hit, they don't always know what precipitated that. So stop the fight and discipline both. If one of them is ranting on about "that's not fair", tell them life isn't fair.
What I do NOT agree with is the parent talking about the younger one with the older one (or vice versa for that matter) behind the other's back. I can see where this would lead, e.g. "Mom said you need to grow up" (PP's verbiage) or some such.
That is why it is so important for parents to think before opening their mouths, when speaking to their children. I don't see anything wrong with doing as Mattie suggested....perhaps that's because I did it with my own. When one of my children would get upset with another, I was always the "mediator". You can speak to one child without "talking behind the other's back"....so to speak. It is important to try to use those things as an education in psychology, for your children. It can also help them to understand issues which may come up with them at daycare and school. If you empower your children with an understanding of why people do what they do, it can make outside relationships much easier for them to handle. Why not use those issues, as they arise at home, as venues for your life teachings?
Nooooooo. That just teaches the younger one to be the instigator who is willing to risk punishment to get the older one in trouble. I agree, things aren't always as they seem, but that also means sometimes the younger one is to blame.
Well it worked fine for our five kids. However all kids are different so maybe for your kids the answer is "Noooooo"
We did have a problem with the youngest. We were often tired and if he started during we woudl tell the kids to fix it, whatever they did. As a result he went though a spoiled brat time, but we corrected it.
You are going to have jealousy. At times it will breed resentment. But if they recognize it, they will deal with it and eventually they will get past it. Trying to be fair is silly IMO. You cannot. Life is not fair and it is not a good idea to teach them to expect fairness.
"I am giving your brother my car. That is not fair. I did not give you a car. However it is my car and I want to give it to him so I will. That is going to make you feel jealous. Lets talk about it. Don't let the big green monster out at him, it is not his fault I chose to give him my car and I did not chose to give you a car. That does not mean I love you less or him more, it means he really likes my car and you do not love cars so I am giving it to him. I do not owe you a car, or do I owe you fairness. I also do not owe Juan the drug dealers son a car. Is it fair that he will never even get to ride in a car?
They get it. Kids are smart. they absorb and understand more than we think they do. talking with my grown kids it is amazing how much they understood that we thought they could not.
I really tried to avoid getting in the middle of disputes between my kids (not always successfully). Yes, there are "button pushers" - however, learning how to deal with a button pusher is also a valuable lesson- because there are button pushers in our adult lives as well. I'll agree that every child is different and, maybe with larger families it varies as well. I was one of 2 and only had 2 so my experience is limited to that perspective. In my experience, the nonbutton pusher eventually figures out how to either recognize it for what it is and ignore it or get even. Sometimes those lessons are more lasting than mom trying to assign blame and mete out appropriate consequences.
Well it worked fine for our five kids. However all kids are different so maybe for your kids the answer is "Noooooo"
We did have a problem with the youngest. We were often tired and if he started during we woudl tell the kids to fix it, whatever they did. As a result he went though a spoiled brat time, but we corrected it.
You are going to have jealousy. At times it will breed resentment. But if they recognize it, they will deal with it and eventually they will get past it. Trying to be fair is silly IMO. You cannot. Life is not fair and it is not a good idea to teach them to expect fairness.
"I am giving your brother my car. That is not fair. I did not give you a car. However it is my car and I want to give it to him so I will. That is going to make you feel jealous. Lets talk about it. Don't let the big green monster out at him, it is not his fault I chose to give him my car and I did not chose to give you a car. That does not mean I love you less or him more, it means he really likes my car and you do not love cars so I am giving it to him. I do not owe you a car, or do I owe you fairness. I also do not owe Juan the drug dealers son a car. Is it fair that he will never even get to ride in a car?
They get it. Kids are smart. they absorb and understand more than we think they do. talking with my grown kids it is amazing how much they understood that we thought they could not.
HAHAHA.....I also do not owe Juan the drug dealer's son a car. Is it fair that he will never even get to ride in a car? Oh crap..thanks for the chuckles. LOL No....life is not fair and no matter how desperately we try to make it seem fair, when we have several kids.....each will always think that one got more than the others.....or one had it easier than that the others.....or one got away with more, got to do more, had more given to them.....the list goes on and on.
Parents need to take time to talk to each child separately as much as possible. It's not always talking behind another's back. The child needs to know that everyone is different, has different needs and sees/understands things differently. It makes for better relations in the family. Actually, it makes the child fit in better with the entire world. WE are different!
If the conversation is only a 2minute meeting while sitting on the back steps, it's valuable because the child becomes aware that the parent sees him/her as an individual, not just one of the group/family.
It's easier for the younger children to see that good behavior pays off when an older child gets an extra hug or kiss. If everyone is treated the same all the time, a lot of child start to say..."why bother?" Unfortunatly, this way of thinking doesn't always get better with age. Of course, the younger one gets a extra kiss too when he's the special one. And he/she has to be the special one at the right time too.
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"Yeah honey, you just keep defending him and he's going to keep it up until he feels like the hated outcast. Let him get away with that button pushing and every one of his siblings are going to HATE him. Do you want them to hate him? No? Then stop wearing those blinders! If you've got one who's always the "common denominator" in the problem...it's probably HIM whose starting it." 
