Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I have a 4 year old who is very shy. He has a lot of difficulty approaching other children to play or joining in groups. He was in preschool this year and didn't have a great experience. He never got comfortable with his classmates and a few of them were not very nice to him. One has "special needs," which seems to mean that hitting and kicking are OK, and this child has targeted mine. My child says he hates kids and hates school. Academically he is fine, ahead even. I don't know what to do. I have been exploring different preschools for next year. He's been going 3 days a week for 3 hours. Before this preschool we were at a different one, where he was very happy (but we can't go back to that one).
I found two new schools that seem like they might be better for him, but can't decide. One offers a 3 day class for younger 4's. My son would be the oldest in that class (he has a January birthday).
The other offers a 5 day class for older 4's. He would be the youngest in that class, with the average birthday there being October (with a few Septembers and Decembers).
Otherwise, all things are equal. What would be better? Should I send him 3 days and put him with younger children? But those children will have even less social skills than the older ones, and might be more inclined to hit, take toys, etc. On the other hand, a 5 day class could mean that he feels smaller and less capable than the others. Or it could help him because he would get used to it by going every day (we always have the most difficult time on Monday, when he's been out of school for 4 days). Help me decide, please! Does anyone have any experience with a shy child and preschool that might help?
Is it just in school that he is shy? If he's shy everywhere I feel like he might do better being the older one in the class because maybe it would be less intimidating for him. I definitely would not send him back to a school that tolerated hitting and kicking regardless of the needs of another child. How did you feel when you toured the new schools? My son hasn't started yet (will in the fall) but when we toured one school I found the children to be incredibly welcoming in every classroom we went into. He went out with one class for recess and a little boy actually helped him get into one of the cozy coupes. I was stunned. We chose that school!
Well you can't change how the world and other kids are. You can expose your child to other kids more.
Is he an only child and never is around other kids at home?
If yes, try to take him places where there are other kids. Maybe the park, boys and girls club? Other people you know with kids? Fast food restaurants with play areas for kids. Ask the teachers and other people with kids for more ideas.
Maybe there are movies which show kids playing together? Anyone have any titles?
The increased exposure ideas above are good - certainly one way that potentially can combat shyness is more exposure to situations that push those boundries.
What you can also do however is work on things to make a child of any age feel better about themselves. Get them good at things physically and mentally. Confidence and happiness in oneself is one of the prime motivators for how well we deal with others.
I think there are two possibilities here. 1. He isn't really shy he just had a bad experience in school and will be fine in a better environment. 2. He's naturally shy, some of us are. If it is true "shyness" please don't make him feel too bad about it.
I'm an introvert born into a family of social monsters for years my mother gave me a hard time about my shyness, forcing me into situations that she thought were fun and I dreaded. Yes, your child needs to function in the world, be able to make social relationships, ask for directions, order off of a menu. He does not need to be the life of the party or have a huge group of friends. After years of painful cocktail parties and forced conversations, I am finally happy with just my handful of close friends and family.
If its just the school it will be fine, if its more than that please keep in mind that being shy isn't a disability, it's just a different way of being. As he grows he will find his way.
Shy children don't necessarily know how to approach other children. Both of my kids were/are shy. For some reason kids gravitated towards the younger child so he was not alone in preschool. He also knew how to fit in and join a group, but often let the other kids come to him. Older child did not know how to approach other children and hated going to preschool because she didn't like feeling alone. I ended up teaching her some words to use to join other kids or to ask a child to play. I made a game of it. The words were pretty simple. On the drive to preschool we practiced the words. She was delighted when they worked and she made a friend.
Both of those kids are now young adults. The older one is out on her own and still shy, but she has learned to speak up and put herself out there when she needs to do so. The younger one is in college and still quiet, but he continues to attract people.
I agree with the two posts above. My first recommendation is to not use the term "shy" in front of him, nor let others describe him as such. It's not a good label to stick a kid with. I used to explain that my kids are reserved. My first born eventually started warming up, he went to preschool 5 days, that worked for him. My second son was just happier on his own, playing on the computer instead of in the big group of boys playing cars. You are doing well to find the best scenario for your son. Chances are he will be just fine and he'll find his nitch.
Thank you for all the responses. I am not trying to change him, just trying to find the best preschool situation for him. We don't tell him he is "shy," and I actually asked his teachers this year not to use that word. They did anyway. I suppose he was bound to hear it eventually. As for opportunities to be around other kids, he's been in preschool since he was 1 and been enrolled in dozens of classes, been taken to playgrounds and Little Gyms and My Gyms and this and that since he was born. None of this makes any difference and sometimes seems to make it worse - I only want him to be happy, and many of these activities have been stressful for him. I cannot find a way to help him - maybe because I also was terribly shy as a kid and still don't feel comfortable socializing. I can't really help him because I don't really know what to say or do myself!
In any case, I still don't know what's better - 3 days with younger kids or 5 days with older.
If he's been at all of this since he was 1 and it's stressful for him I would definitely say 3 days. Let him have quiet days to wind down. My son is very social but it does tire him out. I wouldn't want him doing something with groups every day. He loves time to just hang out at home alone.
You stated the other pre school he was happy at but can you identify why? Was it run a certain way or did they have certain activities? Maybe if you can find a similar approach it would help. I am assuming you are looking for next year but was wondering will he go to camp this summer or any type of program?
You said the activites have been stressful for him but have you asked him if there is something he would like to try? I know my family member had a son who had a hard time fitting in with regular type of sports etc but he then found an activity he really enjoys and it helped him to fit in. Sometimes if one struggles to keep up it can make it hard to feel accepted by others.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
for years my mother gave me a hard time about my shyness, forcing me into situations that she thought were fun and I dreaded. Yes, your child needs to function in the world, be able to make social relationships, ask for directions, order off of a menu. He does not need to be the life of the party or have a huge group of friends. After years of painful cocktail parties and forced conversations, I am finally happy with just my handful of close friends and family. 
