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I would want to know about my 15 yr old daughter talking to a 15 yr old boy, let alone, a 20-something Ralph Macchio that she looks up to and is clearly trying to impress.
Sure, it's likely innocent, but a situation like that is on a razor's edge, wouldn't take much for it to go horribly wrong. I would at least let the guy know you're aware they are talking.
So, teens need mentors. Someone they can talk to aside from their parents? Someone who the parent does not know personally, (their values, their history/background, the content/context of their conversations, their ideologies, the company they keep, their intentions....) their profession is sufficient to entrust the most precious of our lives, our children? give me a d@mn break!
I, a mother of two children, not a pedophile, fully aware of my own intentions as a human being, would NEVER engage in on-going conversation with a child/teen without the knowledge of their parent. If a parent had suspicions of me as it concerned relating or conversing with their child, I'd say kudos to that parent! who cares about men or women not being trusted with our children unless/until that trust had been gained and earned through a relationship with the parent, first!
I find this very odd. You must realize that your kids talk to their teachers, to the parents who volunteer in their classrooms, to their dance/karate/sports instructors/coaches, to Sunday School teachers (if applicable), to their friends' parents, etc, right? I'm assuming that your children are not teenagers... if they're little now, you certainly won't be accompanying them to friends' houses when they're older, and they might even confide in the parents of their friends without you knowing about it. They will have contact with all sorts of people, and it will be up to them to have or not have relationships with those people. You can't control everyone that your TEENAGER talks to or what they talk about. I agree that parents need to tread cautiously and know what's going on with their kids/teens, most definitely, but it would be very naive to think that any of us could know about every conversation that our kids have with adults other than ourselves and those whom we know intimately.
It's so funny how people assume it would be the older guy taking advantage of the teenager...when I was a teenager, I took advantage of older guys.
But that is beside the point.
What MY gut tells me from what the OP has said is this (and yeah, it's possible that it's colored by my life experience.)...
HE probably has no inappriopriate intent.
HE probably views the martial arts lifestyle as a holistic thing, as many instructors do, especially if she's asking him about Buddhism, he's got a whole philosophy going on. So he's going to be willing and probably enthusiastic to share his wisdom about life with an eager young student. That includes probably advising her about some boy she likes, or any other topic she brings up...but you can be the judge if his responses to that topic were healthy or not.
While it is POSSIBLE, I really really doubt that this guy is a predator.
The problem is more on her end of things. At age 15, a girl's hormones start turning her into a woman. She is eager to learn about a woman's power over men, specifically getting them interested sexually in her new woman's body...it is a glorious feeling, that moment when you know...yeah...he's totally on the hook. He's interested. Even if it's just flirtation, it's her learning that dynamic between men and women. You cannot keep a girl or a boy locked in childhood...eventually, they grow up and start playing with fire. And at that age, it is too thrilling an experience for you to trust her to not guide it in that direction. It's not that she has a specific goal of seduction in mind, she's just getting a thrill out of the opening moves in the game. I'd be interested to know if she's got a Dad in the picture...psychological theory holds that girls with Daddy issues (like I had) sometimes fix on older guys and develop infatuations that way (like I did a few times.) I don't know if I'm totally on board with that theory, but hey. Perhaps. It's interesting anyhow.
So. What do you do?
First of all, no teenager should have an expectation of privacy. But if you tell her you read her messages, she'll get defiant and try to take the conversation to an account you don't have easy access to. She will do better to hide, sneak, and lock you out of this interaction. Not good. I wouldn't go there.
I would however set up a time to meet one-on-one with this instructor. For all anyone needs to know, it can be about payment of your account or something mundane like that. I'd shut the door to the office he should have, if it's anything like my kids' former dojo...and I'd sit down, look him in the eye, and talk to him about this. I would thank him for acting as a mentor to your daughter. I would inform him that you are aware of the Facebook messages and that you appreciate how he seems to be giving her good guidance in life. I would then let him know, that whether he is aware of this or not, it is common for 15 year old girls to develop romantic feelings towards male mentors in his position...I would say, "I have no specific reason to believe this is what's happening right now. But imagine if you're just trying to be a good role model, and one day she has these feelings for you, and you didn't know you were encouraging them because you didn't mean to...I'm trying to save you some awkwardness, and her a broken heart, in case she's developing a crush where she has no business doing so. So be careful, and don't encourage her, alright?"
I'd approach him respectfully, one adult to another, as someone who assumes the best. I would NOT accuse him of anything.
And then if you've done this right, and spoken respecfully, and he still acts offended or gets defensive in any way, I'd pull the plug on the whole thing. Because if he is on the up and up, he should cooperate with you in what's best for your daughter.
I find this very odd. You must realize that your kids talk to their teachers, to the parents who volunteer in their classrooms, to their dance/karate/sports instructors/coaches, to Sunday School teachers (if applicable), to their friends' parents, etc, right? I'm assuming that your children are not teenagers... if they're little now, you certainly won't be accompanying them to friends' houses when they're older, and they might even confide in the parents of their friends without you knowing about it. They will have contact with all sorts of people, and it will be up to them to have or not have relationships with those people. You can't control everyone that your TEENAGER talks to or what they talk about. I agree that parents need to tread cautiously and know what's going on with their kids/teens, most definitely, but it would be very naive to think that any of us could know about every conversation that our kids have with adults other than ourselves and those whom we know intimately.
Re: the bolded.......we have something in common then. I felt it odd that you chose to type something so common sense! I'd expect any child to use the mouth they were given to communicate, EVER!! perhaps naive is an appropriate term to use, for yourself
Private internet or text messages between an underage kid and a "mentor" twice her age are not OK, especially without the parent's knowledge.
It sounds like this messaging relationship has crossed all kinds of boundaries I personally would NOT be comfortable with.
The coach should have alerted the parent. Since he did not, the mom now has to alert HIM that she knows about this. Guess what that means?
The coach will tell the daughter Mom saw their messages, which will cause anxiety and stress Mom and daughter's relationship, whether or not something was going on with the coach.
Of course not all adult mentors are predators. BUT ... Anyone who pays attention knows this is the #1 way adult predators groom and perpetuate inappropriate relationships with kids. Here is just 1 local example that happened to a girl at the area's most prestigious girls' school:
This morning, my daughter forgot to sign out of facebook. So when I got on the computer and open up facebook webpage, I saw there was a message from her martial arts instructor.
I was wondering if it was anything of urgency such as schedule for class or something. I open it up and saw that it was a regular conversation.
By a quick skim, I eventually learned that they talk regularly, like one to three times a week. She would ask him a lot of questions about Buddhist, talk about guys she like, ask him for advice on how to take care of injures, about places he have been to, and other things.
It don't seems like anything more is going on beside them just having a conversation. But I have to admit I'm a bit worried.
The instructor is in late 20s or early 30s and a good looking fit man. He often work with my daughter and other people in the gym. My daughter seems to be really into him and always trying hard to impress him.
As far as what I see, I don't really see the instructor doing anything to be alarmed about. However the fact them talking a lot on facebook is somewhat worrying me.
Am I just worrying too much? Do any other parents have teenager kids who regularly talk with a adult? If so how do it turn out?
How old is your daughter? If she is 20 it is fine. But, since she must be underage, I'm wondering why her teacher is carrying on a personal conversation period on a internet site.
Sorry, we see to many things like this these days.
I think if it is a feacbook page meant for the gym class as a whole, no biggie...But, a personal facebook page wouldbe out imo
Asking for what? I am confused by your comment...are you implying that my son would do something harmful to this teacher? Please clarify.
No, read some of the previous comments. In this day and age, it is too easy for something that is completely innocent to be totally taken out of context. This could ultimately damage the teacher's reputation. THAT is what I am talking about.
To the males here who have been defensive as well as the mothers of sons who worry that males are suspect by default...
Just because a parent is alert to the possibility and wants to be cautious and prevent anything bad from happening does NOT mean that they assume the worst about the adult male in question.
You can go through life naively assuming that all people are good or cynically assuming all people are bad...common sense lies somewhere in the middle. You assume people to be basically good but take precautions so that you and your family are not taken advantage of. That means not always trusting strangers for instance, even though not every guy in the bar is a rapist...any of them COULD be. Serial killers often seem remarkably normal, those who vicitimize others often inspire trust...until they act.
So just because a parent of a teenage daughter wants to be vigilant and careful about adult men in her life does not mean she assumes all males are pedophiles. Quit being so fussy and defensive. And there are ways of handling this, that walk the sensible middle ground between just letting it go and assuming everything's fine...and jumping the guy with accusations.
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