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Son - 17 was pulled over leaving a party and blew a 0.02 BAL (.018 is impaired in our state). Claims that is the first time he ever tried alcohol and he will never try it again. He is a good kid, good grades, accomplished athlete, polite, well behaved as far as we know. He was cited for Minor in possession but no DUI because he is known as a good kid and he told them the truth. (The team stickers all over his car may have helped too, our police are supposedly partial to the athletes).
Our other kid issues have been pretty minor. None of the other kids ever drank (one of the 2 who are now 21 tried it recently and will have a drink once in a blue moon). His siblings are really P.O.ed at him and some will not even talk to him right now. No idea really how to deal with this one.
When I was a kid, I drank a lot. I got in trouble a lot. I did a lot of bad things. I am very glad my kids are nothing like me. It is kind of hard to not laugh at this being such a big deal in our household, but it is serious. I cannot draw from what worked with me, because nothing did. I still have a beer with dinner on occasion or a few drinks at a business event, but I do not drink much anymore. My wife used to drink a lot as well, but she no longer drinks at all. It is difficult to figure out what is the appropriate action because we both started drinking at about =/- 18. I am not sure we know anyone who did not drink at 18.
More than over or under reacting, I am concerned with reacting in a way that will cause worse problems. We do not want to throw him into a depression, or a rebellion, but we want him to understand how serious and dangerous this is.
We are not planning to take away his license all together. He drives for school and for his sport. He also drives around for us quite a bit. He will have to give us his keys and license upon arriving home and cannot have them back without a specific plan where he will be. We imposed a curfew of 8 p.m. until further notice, he can only drive when he needs to and then he must tell us where he is going and call us if he goes anyplace else. He will not be allowed to go to any more parties. He will be required to go to AA meetings for a while. We do not know what other conditions or penalties the court may impose on him.
Not sure whether that is enough, too much, just right. We will probably have to wait and see, but I am curious what other parents think.
Also of concern:
Do we let his coach know? They may kick him off the team. On the other hand, the coach could help keep him on a better path. Most of his coaches really respect him, but there is no way to know how they might react to this.
His teammates sister bought the alcohol for the party. We do not want to make him a hated pariah, but we need to do something so it does not happen again. I am not sure we can keep from it being known he told us where it came from. Yet we do not want to discourage him from being truthful with us in the future. If she continues, the next kid may kill someone or himself. So do we talk to the police and have them talk to the sister, or call her parents and leave them to deal with it?
He has a new girlfriend. She was not there. We do not know her well but she seems decent. Might be an idea to ask her to get on him, or it might chase her away (or maybe she drinks too). Probably best to say nothing to her, but she is better positioned to keep an eye on him and has more influence on him than anyone right now. (of course he will probably have to tell her why he now has to be home at 8 p.m.).
I think taking the keys away at night, and a curfew, along with the other steps you intend to take regarding your son, are sufficient right now.
I would NOT involve the coach. You are the father, it isn't fair to expect a coach to assume that role. Also, it wouldn't do much good IMO. High school athletes are notorious for risky behavior. Worry about your own child.
I wouldn't tell on the purchaser either, and I know others may not agree. If I had the opportunity, I would speak with her myself. Yes, she was stupid. But it's enough to let her know of the ramifications of continuing to do so might be. She would be held responsible.
Let your son explain his curfew to his girlfriend, no reason at all for you to be involved there.
I speak from "some" experience. My youngest was recovering from surgery and a bunch of his teammates came over to spend the night. Because we have a walkout basement, beer and alcohol was brought in. They were 15 and 16, so only one was of driving age. We had no clue (somehow missing the signs of vomit in the basement bathroom) until my DH was searching for something in the storage room and found empty cases of beer. Youngest fessed up right away, but refused to say who brought the stuff in.
It was a one time thing, and not necessarily a bad lesson for kids to learn. Drink heavily, and you will be sick. Drink and drive, and you will lose the right to drive, at the very least.
I understand you are angry, and it is indeed a big deal. But, I wouldn't overreact unless there has been a pattern of this type of behavior, which you didn't indicate to be the case.
I'll let some of the parents more experienced with older teens weigh in, but a few observations:
1) I seriously doubt this is the first time he has consumed alcohol.
2) He is extremely lucky he did not get a DUI, and he really should have. This is the point you should emphasize. If he had had an accident or hurt someone DUI, his future, and obviously their's could be ruined. This point cannot be emphasized enough to a kid.
Last edited by Zimbochick; 07-29-2013 at 03:13 PM..
Your plan sounds like an appropriate punishment for someone who will be "on his own" at college in a year or two.
However, the fact that the police are "partial to athletes" is disgusting.
Perhaps if they were not, the teammate's sister would understand the consequences of her actions. Around here, the judge tells parents to take the teen's license for 3 weeks. Mandatory. Adults (18+) who provide alcohol to minors are charged fairly frequently. At the least, a phone call from you to those parents is in order.
One of my son's friends lost a basketball scholarship to a D-1 school because of a DUI arrest here. Accountability is very important at this age, or they may never get it.
Community-wise, it does not help when something like this is swept under the rug. But it sounds like you are doing what you can. The fact that his siblings are not in favor of this behavior will have a LOT of influence on him.
And I would be inclined to think the jury's should still be out on the new GF. Do you know her very well?
You've posted numerous times about the various "hi-jinks" you were involved with when you were younger. I've always gotten the feeling you had a sense of pride in them. Do your kids know those stories? Did you shrug them off when you were telling the kids about all the things Dad did? (Because you have.) Do you expect your own kids to have a different attitude? Do you honestly believe this is is the first time he's had a drink? (Wow. He manages to get caught the very first time. What are the odds?)
Why on earth would you think the coaches respect him? It's supposed to be the other way around. Really? He's so great they respect him? Why are you negating what he did with talk about his being polite and getting good grades. That doesn't mean diddly squat. He drank then he drove a car. Oh, but he's polite. Doesn't matter.
I think you need to take off the rose colored glasses of how great your son is and realize he could have t-boned an innocent family. You figure that out and you'll be able to decide whether or not letting him drive is a good idea.
Go find someone who goes to AA twice a week and tell him, "My underage son drove after he drank but he's a polite kid and he says this is the first drink he's ever had." and watch the reaction.
The good news is you can steer him back on course. The bad news is you're going to have to be real honest with yourself about why he thought he could drink then get in a car and drive.
Last edited by DewDropInn; 07-29-2013 at 03:09 PM..
We are not planning to take away his license all together. He drives for school and for his sport. He also drives around for us quite a bit. He will have to give us his keys and license upon arriving home and cannot have them back without a specific plan where he will be.
It is too inconvenient to you to remove his driving privileges completely. That's nonsense. He demonstrated clearly that he is not responsible enough to use a car. Period. You are worried about coming down too hard on him because you were irresponsible in high school and managed not to kill anyone? Moderator Cut.
Last edited by Jaded; 07-29-2013 at 07:41 PM..
Reason: Unnecessary comment
It's always a tricky thing when we have to be a parent to a teen that did something we did as a teen. We also don't want to punish a teen for telling the truth.
We faced such a moment last summer with our then 18 yo son. DH handled most of it as I was working at the time. DH did fine with it. I don't recall the specific consequences right now. DH and DS had a looonnnnnnnng talk about respect, and DS had to "confess" to me. That was probably the worst punishment. I've only seen him cry once, at a younger cousin's funeral, since he was a teen. He cried telling me as he knew I would be disappointed. I also spoke to him about the potential legal consequences of his actions. More importantly, I spoke to him about how I would feel if his actions led to his injury or death. I also reminded him of a young man he knows that spent the last year in prison, not jail--prison, related to a drug/alcohol incident and a resulting death.
To the best of our knowledge, the problem has not repeated itself. He's not an angel by any stretch, but he is smart and safe.
First, I would not involve the coach or the GF. Chances are the coach may find out anyway. Let it go from there. My H and I also did not mention it to the older sister until very recently. It was between the three of us. There was no need to involve her. Our situation was slightly different. There was one friend's parent we could have called. We didn't. Our DS and his friend were leaving for college a few weeks later so it seemed pointless to call the parents. We did inform the friend that we were aware of the situation and given his area of study, it was not a good idea to do what the two had been doing.
As for the older sister, I think I would give the parents a call and let them know, especially if the party was in their home. If she's over 21 there is not much they can do though. If there was a way you could contact the sister directly, I would do that instead of the parents.
I think you did fine. As I said, I wouldn't have mentioned it to the older sibs, but it's too late now.
From the moment my kids entered high school, they knew they could call me anytime, day or night, and I would pick them up if they or their friends had been drinking or doing drugs. Under no circumstances were they to be in a car after drinking. I didn't promise them no consequences for that, but I did promise them that the consequences would consider the maturity they showed by calling for a ride.
Ok I'm not a parent of a teenager so my advice might be rubbish but I really think it ought to be the driving aspect that should be focussed on (I don't think the actual drinking is such a big deal but driving under the influence is a very big deal and that should be emphasised). I would take away his license altogether, not sure how long, maybe a month?
p.s. Did you notice you shifted the blame to the girl who (it's claimed by your son) bought the alcohol? Ummm. No. YOUR SON is responsible for choosing to drink. YOUR SON could kill someone else. One of your sons IS just like you.
Re-think how you think. You want us to know the girl could be responsible for someone being killed when, in truth, your son just showed you he could have.
I'd have a Come to Jesus Meeting involving your entire family. Because all of your kids were raised together. If one is pulling this stuff you may have just been handed the chance to nip it in the bud with the others. (Because yes, it could be happening and kids DO snow their parents.)
Last edited by DewDropInn; 07-29-2013 at 03:32 PM..
I would take his keys for the rest of the summer. He can take a bus or bicycle where he needs to go. Having him drive is a convenience for you but you may need to give that up while he learns his lesson.
Your son could have killed somebody, his friends, himself, or an innocent family. And then you would be making funeral arrangements or hiring a lawyer and hoping you don't lose everything you have. He's lucky he got pulled over as he was leaving the party, and before he could get out on the road and kill someone.
I drank when I was 18 (it was legal for me). My husband drank when he was underage. Neither of us ever drove when we had been drinking. To me, driving drunk is the far bigger issue than underage drinking.
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As I said, I wouldn't have mentioned it to the older sibs, but it's too late now. 
