Why do parents do this--asking young children (learn, school, mother)
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Wow, aside from someone who is pushing 50 with no kids, some vague degree and seemingly no relevant work or life experience trying to force what they think they know based on very brief limited interaction and stretching that to all actions and then clearly not looking for answers or discussion - merely argument and an opportunity to try and look smarter than they actually are (failing miserably I might add.......)
First and foremost, there is no blueprint that is going to apply to every kid and every situation. You put 20 kids in the exact same scenario and they are going to react differently - do the same the next day and it may shift from kid to kid.
While there are certain things that are fairly absolute in both directions, the vast majority is middle ground test and adjust type scenarios.
You have to provide developing children some autonomy - of course they should have some decisions on their life and it typically isn't going to lead to a tantrum, meltdown, etc.
However, there are times when simple actions that aren't a choice can also cause a meltdown. If we have to wake our kids up so we can get them to daycare and us to work and they don't want to be awake we're going to hear about it. Just because they have no choice doesn't mean they are going to be happy about the choice made for them and they are more than capable of voicing their displeasure
They are also more than capable of making decisions. The muffin example is nuts -why wouldn't you give them that choice. Do you want A or B. It's limited, there are really no differences between them, makes them feel good about having a say and gives you a chance to help limit and guide them. If they want C and C is not an option you can guide them back to A & B. If they freak out about having to choose A or B they can essentially be choosing nothing.
That is one area that I use in my household. If you are getting a treat it is best to not complain about it. Say thank you and move on.
I also do not encourage any level of countersurfing or fridge pulling - even if the most common food items pulled are blueberries and bananas. At their ages they need to ask.
I have no idea how asking a child if they want to stay at a cafe would even work as far as being a choice ... that just doesn't make sense to me. The most common way I've heard it and used it is if you want to stay here you need to sit, eat, not scream, etc ... if you can't do this you choose to leave.
It's good to illustrate consequences and let kids know that they make decisions all day long - some carry good results, some negative and many are simply neutral.
Again each kid is different. For my son I typically can just grab pajamas and put them on him. If he has a specific request why wouldn't I accomodate if it's reasonable?
My daughter, typically likes to choose. Again, there are limits within that choice - so no, your boots and jacket are not sleepwear regardless of how much you like them and want to wear them. However, if she wants to wear stripes instead of dots who really cares?
Also, kids are going to push boundaries. Regardless of how strict or loose you are. If you are too rigid, over time the kid will get frustrated and it can be very negative for them. It's always best to be reasonable, IMO.
As Stan stated if they choose between blackberries or strawberries for a snack it helps boost them up and in the long run really doesn't mean anything.
From the times my kids were old enough to make their preferences known, even if it was just to point a finger, they were allowed to. Eating out, for meals, ice cream, muffins, etc, was considered to be a treat. It isn't much of a treat if a toddler with their heart set on pink icing is told to take it or leave it because the icing is white.
Referring to children as spawn, is an obnoxious "hipster" term that reflects more poorly on the user than the child in question.
It isn't much of a treat if a toddler with their heart set on pink icing is told to take it or leave it because the icing is white.
I agree with the caveat that if there is no pink icing or if they are sold out of that one, etc the child needs to adjust to what is available and start learning how to direct their disapointment.
However, if pink is available and they want pink but you force white as a take it or leave it because you think allowing the child to have that level of choice is harmful ...... well then you probably shouldn't spend much time around children
So, what do you guys feed your kids then? How old are they?
This must be the only place on the planet where a parent gets lectured for giving celery, grapes, and peanut butter to a kid for a snack. Am I in the twilight zone?
Apparently, and I am right there with you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Braunwyn
Using the term spawn is actually herd mentality among the angry child-free from what I can tell thus far in my short time on the parenting forum. Another one is breeder, although you didn't use that one.
<snip>
Yes, this. It's extremely obnoxious. It's also disturbing to think that someone with that sort of mentality is purposely working with children, or pursuing a career with children, given the attitude about kids that is clear through use of this sort of terminology.
I'm not buying the 47 year old thing either. OPs posts come off more like the know-it-all rantings of a 20 something with little life experience.
So, what do you guys feed your kids then? How old are they?
This must be the only place on the planet where a parent gets lectured for giving celery, grapes, and peanut butter to a kid for a snack. Am I in the twilight zone?
whether they want to leave or what food they want?
Full disclosure: I am not a parent. Let's get this out of the way. So of course I must be clueless, right? Because all parents become child-rearing sages once their spawn arrives.
This occurs often with me: I am sitting in a cafe and a mother is asking her two-year-old what muffin or other food s/he wants. I actually saw a child burst into tears over it. It's too overwhelming to foist that sort of independence on a toddler or preschool kid. They crave parental boundaries/control. But so many parents are afraid of saying no or afraid of imposing their will on the child that they resort to this tactic, which I find destructive. At some point, the child will want stuff that the parent won't allow and then the shizzle will hit the fan.
A similar thing I see is asking the todder/preschooler if they want to leave the cafe. Great--give your child the idea that s/he calls the shot. Sounds like a recipe for success...
If you're at a restaurant anyway, why wouldn't you give your 2 yr old an option of what to eat. By the age of 2, they're plenty old enough to have a preference. Why spend money on something that your child isn't going to eat? We always gave our kids several food choices when we went out to eat. Why not?
As for asking your 2 yr old if they're ready to leave the restaurant....oh buddy, I occasionally had one whom had to be asked that very question.
Also, something that you might want to consider...is that the parent is simply making conversation with their child. "So...are you ready to go, or do you want to sit here a little longer?" I'm not sure that I understand your problem with this, but then ....I haven't read through the entire thread, to see if you explain it further. If a child is acting up, asking them if they're ready to leave puts the ball/blame in their court (if they don't want to leave). Behave or we're leaving. If the parent is simply asking the child if they're ready to go.....well, you're simply exchanging words with your child.
I am talking about an open-ended question and NOT two of YOUR choices. I am talking about "Do you want to go now?"
So instead they should be asking "Yes or no, Do you want to go now?" That way they are giving choices? But really, what other ways are they going to answer? If they say I don't know, then either tell them what you want to do, or tell them what will happen in each scenario... If we stay we'll be doing this, if we leave this is what we are doing next. I see this question more as having a conversation with the child, then letting them be in control. Even when out to eat with adults, at the end of the meal we ask if everyone is ready to go. Or at least that is the polite thing to do.
You may read literature on early child development till the cows come home but that means next to nothing until you have a fair amount of real world expierence under your belt. For example, I am in flying school and we are required to take a written test to obtain our final type 141 license (airline pilot license) but we also must have over 1,000 hours of combined flying experience. Now I'm not sure how it works in childcare/school degrees but you can easily pick out the veterans that can soothe a class of cranky 5-year-olds in less than 10 minutes.
Knowledge means nothing unless you have real world experience.
I'm curious. Why would a 47 year old childless woman who obviously has no experience with children, doesn't even like children and is argumentative with parents want to pursue a living teaching children?
So, what do you guys feed your kids then? How old are they?
This must be the only place on the planet where a parent gets lectured for giving celery, grapes, and peanut butter to a kid for a snack. Am I in the twilight zone?
I agree, I thought the lunch was perfectly appropriate for a 2 year old. Their tummies aren't adult-sized, you can't fill a huge plate for them.
I saw a meal with fruits, veggies, protein (pb), good carbs (from the fruits and veggies), fiber (from the celery), and good fats (pb), and sure, SOME sugar- but so what?
And that is ONE meal of the entire day. His breakfast could have been some toast and scrambled eggs, his dinner could have been some chicken and veggies.
Yogurt is good for you. SOME sugar in your diet is not bad. Sugar from yogurt and fruit is very different than eating sugar from a candy bar. And she didn't specify what type of yogurt, it could have been Greek Yogurt, it could have been another yogurt with low sugar, etc. My husband used to have terrible stomach problems, he started eating a small yoplait of strawberry yogurt each day with breakfast, they disappeared. I prefer Greek yogurt with real fruit added, but I'm not going to bug him and say "well that yogurt has sugar..." Stop being smug...
I commend Mom for helping her child make good choices. I go out and I see kids walking around with candy bars and SODA in their hands at lunch time (and yes two year olds) and it makes me cringe. My friend's neice is less than 10 years old and is HUGE. She probably weighs over 100 lbs and she is 3 times bigger than kids her age. Her mother PROUDLY tells me (who btw has to weigh over 300 lbs) that her daughter can eat a whole McDonald's Big Mac (or chicken nugget) meal on her own! I'm 30 years old, I go to McDonalds now and then, but I get a Mighty Kids meal AND I eat the fruit too :P
I don't have children yet, BUT I think giving kids some choices is good, giving kids free reign is bad, and there is a huge difference. I've seen kids have tantrums and when parents say "are you going to be good or are we going home" I can tell what kind of parent their are. The kids who immediately shut up KNOW their parents will follow through, while the kids who continue to howl while the parents eat, well, yeah, we know who is winning... If the parents pack up while the kid is screaming, I internally applaud them.
Growing up my mom gave us age-appropriate choices but in the end we knew who was boss lol.
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If a child is acting up, asking them if they're ready to leave puts the ball/blame in their court (if they don't want to leave). Behave or we're leaving. If the parent is simply asking the child if they're ready to go.....well, you're simply exchanging words with your child.