My 18 yo moved out (troubles, party, legally, teens)
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Peers are a very strong influence. One many parents underestimate. A really good book on this topic is "The Nuture Assumption". I see how strong the peer influence as a high school teacher both positive and negative. I'll have kids in geometry who are great kids who turn into major PITA's in physical science just because of who else is in the room. You'd never realize it's the same kid.....and my boss says it's MY teaching that's the issue when kids act up.
I call bull on that. Parents who blame friends and peers are the parents who don't make their children take responsibility for their actions. I remember we had a teacher in high school who couldn't control a classroom. It was my only class that was absolutely out of control. She went on a long term leave of absence, and the sub did a fantastic job teaching us. We weren't unruly at all. On the teacher's first day back to work after her leave, one of her morning classes locked her in the closet. I agree with your boss. Teens act up when teachers aren't in command.
This is my concern. Dd#1 has never held a job and, as far as I know, has run through what was in her bank account (she had a couple thousand from graduation). She is 100% dependent on her boyfriend and his parents....though she seems to like to stop by for lunch with dh here. I find it interesting that she tells me he's the reason she moved out yet she comes by to have lunch with him most days. I'm thinking she was just looking for an excuse to move in with her boyfriend.
I do not like that she is totally dependent on someone else. Fortunately, her BF seems to be a good guy. I've seen no signs of him trying to be controlling and he does seem to bring out the best in her. I just wish he could convince her to get a job. I think she needs one to help her grow up and just to have some pocket change. I can't imagine having to ask someone else for everything you need. IMO, it's bad enough when it's your parents you're asking. I also wonder how long dbf's parents will put up with this.
And you're right she'll be driving the car back home.
Most likely, this relationship will fizzle out. An 18 year old may be a legal adult and in college, but their age still ends in "-teen" and we all know "how much we loved our beloved and how we will be with them forever and ever" is a fallacy. I just...Don't see how someone could be content with being with someone who is 100% dependent on the other person, almost like having a child in a sense.
Anyway, now that I've got that off my chest, Ivory, you must locate a sheet of paper and a writing implement. Write down 10 positive things about DD#1. It can be anything, really that makes her a good person. It will really open your eyes.
I so agree on little kids vs. teens. Peers are a very strong influence. One many parents underestimate. A really good book on this topic is "The Nuture Assumption". I see how strong the peer influence as a high school teacher both positive and negative. I'll have kids in geometry who are great kids who turn into major PITA's in physical science just because of who else is in the room. You'd never realize it's the same kid.....and my boss says it's MY teaching that's the issue when kids act up.
Your blame avoidance is beyond pathological. Freud would have a field day. But you have to maintain your barriers. Why ELSE would you not be in counseling as so oft recommended by people of all stripes?
Parents who blame friends and peers are the parents who don't make their children take responsibility for their actions.
I call bull on this statement. Children can be vastly influenced by their peers and friends that they hang out with (druggies hang with druggies, nerds hang with nerds, etc.), and there is plenty of research to back this up. And frankly, past a certain age, there is no more parenting to be done, and the child now turned adult will follow their own path. Because 18 years should be enough to raise a properly-behaved child.
Because 18 years should be enough to raise a properly-behaved child.
Your parents have just one year to achieve this? It's going to be a challenge.
Last edited by Zimbochick; 11-13-2013 at 04:53 PM..
Reason: Since the poster brought it up, and who isn't getting sick of parenting advice coming from a 17 year-old!!!!!
-cut-
Also write down 10 things about DD#2. It helps you gain insight into how great your children are. I'm sure they have at least 10 positive qualities about them.
Last edited by LPDAL; 11-13-2013 at 05:21 PM..
Reason: I deleted response to personal, off-topic thread hijacking requests that had nothing to do with my own age and were false.
Children can be vastly influenced by their peers and friends that they hang out with (druggies hang with druggies, nerds hang with nerds, etc.), and there is plenty of research to back this up. And frankly, past a certain age, there is no more parenting to be done, and the child now turned adult will follow their own path. Because 18 years should be enough to raise a properly-behaved child.
Of course they are. You, as a high school student, would know how that works.
That's not the point. The point is the OP is blaming the parents and her child's friends for what her child did. Which is get drunk and shove a cop. She has an amazing capability to blame other people, but accept no responsibility for HER choice. Which was to allow her child, who has a drinking problem, to attend the party.
"No. You may not go." The OP could have said that. The OP chose not to. The OP chose to let her child go to the party. Peers had nothing to do with it that. Peers certainly had nothing to do with the daughter shoving a cop.
Peer pressure is a lousy excuse for misconduct. It's not used by those who understand the concept of responsibility. Though it is a real good way to say, "She made me! It's her fault."
Last edited by DewDropInn; 11-13-2013 at 05:02 PM..
ITA. Dd#2 is definitely my harder child to raise. She reached the know it all stage long before her sister. I also see the peer influence and the influence of other parents who let their kids do what they want and there are too many of them. One of the parties she had drank at was hosted by a mom I've known since she was a baby and never would have thought would tolerate drinking. Turns out she's decided she'd rather be the one throwing the party if her kids are going to drink.
I so agree on little kids vs. teens. Peers are a very strong influence. One many parents underestimate. A really good book on this topic is "The Nuture Assumption". I see how strong the peer influence as a high school teacher both positive and negative. I'll have kids in geometry who are great kids who turn into major PITA's in physical science just because of who else is in the room. You'd never realize it's the same kid.....and my boss says it's MY teaching that's the issue when kids act up.
Boggles the mind.
Again. Your perspective of "normal" is so skewed.
Do you think we all raised a bunch of nerds and only YOU have a kid who runs in a fast crowd? My kid played HIGH SCHOOL competitive hockey from 7th grade. That doesn't mean I let him attend these types of parties just because HE thought he could.
And of course you like that Nurture book. Gurl, LOL.
Wiki:
Quote:
In this book, she challenges the idea that the personality of adults is determined chiefly by the way they were raised by their parents.
Don't get me wrong, I have alot of sympathy for you, churning wildly around with all these PITA kids. But you are REALLY your worst own enemy. Even if you DO think you're just so much more ~informed than John. Q. Internet Anon.
Did I read upthread you skipped your kid TWO GRADES??? And you're a teacher?
WTF. My first boyfriend took ALL THE MATH in University of Penn undergrad program by age 14. He was taking graduate studies for math at age 15. That didn't mean his parents skipped him!!
My kid could have skipped and I knew no way in hell!
Oh well. You're not about to change. Proudly so.
I think you need to show your family THIS THREAD. Might be the best counsel/solution of all.
Of course they are. You, as a high school student, would know how that works.
That's not the point. The point is the OP is blaming the parents and her child's friends for what her child did. Which is get drunk and shove a cop. She has an amazing capability to blame other people, but accept no responsibility for HER choice. Which was to allow her child, who has a drinking problem, to attend the party.
"No. You may not go." The OP could have said that. The OP chose not to. The OP chose to let her child go to the party. Peers had nothing to do with it that. Peers certainly had nothing to do with the daughter shoving a cop.
Peer pressure is a lousy excuse for misconduct. It's not used by those who understand the concept of responsibility.
Yes it is her responsibility. I was saying that it does occur. -cut- It does matter who your child chooses to associate with.
-cut-
Last edited by LPDAL; 11-13-2013 at 05:30 PM..
Reason: Removed reply to off topic, personal attack thread hijacking requests and false information about "being in high school"
So, DD18 comes over to talk with Dad... hmmm... I bet she's asking for money and he's giving it to her.
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