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I am not one to pry because of how she is, she gets all mad and says she's 18, so basically none of my business. I know I need to have a serious sit down with her. This is not good.
*Banging head against keyboard*
M'am, you have some really warped views on the concept of "privacy" and what is your business and what isn't your business.
Your daughter doesn't have a job, you are her sole support, and yet she can scrape up money for pot and get into these little mishaps? WTF?
She is ONLY 18 -- being 18 is not a magic "I'm all grown-up now" number. As a member of your household, and especially as a DEPENDENT member of your household, you are entitled to know what is going on in YOUR house. She's not an adult unless she's self-supporting. Until then, she's just a leech. She's not a roommate, lady, and you don't owe her a free lunch. She's your DAUGHTER. And you're right, she's a mess.
I don't give a good g-d how "mad" she gets -- it's not too late to start being the parent. My daughter is 22, and is living at home while finishing the internship that will finish up her college degree. She still tells me WHERE she is going, WHO she is with and WHEN she will be home. It's not being a child, it's the common courtesy that is owed between two caring adults who live together, not to mention basic safety precautions that most sensible young women are aware of. As I pointed out to her, being an adult doesn't mean that you can run roughshod over other people.
Time for you to stop sitting back and being a passive observer in your daughter's life.
There isn't a thing you can do about it because she's 18.
You kick her out and she'll do the same.
You set down rules she won't listen.
You kick her out because she won't listen and she's still out doing stuff that worries you.
It's a lose-lose situation.
A parent's job does not end just because a child reaches the magic age of 18. Although an 18 year old is an adult parents can still influence their decisions. If I had a child who was having sexual encounters with complete strangers and winding up not knowing where she was I would try to influence that person no matter what their age. Just because a parent doesn't "lay down the law" that does not mean they cannot have some influence over their adult child.
The OP here is concerned for the well being of her child. She is not trying to control every move she makes. If I were the OP I would have a heart to heart chat with her about the direction of her life. It seems she is moving in dangerous circles and perhaps her mother who has "been there, done that" can talk with her about her own mistakes and the repercussions of those mistakes.
I do not think the OP has a choice between laying down the law and doing nothing. I think she is in a position to offer help to her daughter without being a control freak. If this was my child I would want to speak with her about what her goals are and how she hopes to achieve those goals. What type of job does she thinks she want in the future? Does she need training for that job? Can the OP help her meet those goals?
In this case the OP may want to remove her child from the home, or require her to contribute to the household. If she claims to be an adult her mother may want to treat her like an adult and ask her to move out or to contribute to the household. Her mother needs to do something because her child is not on the right path.
I do not believe that parents are powerless over their adult children. One of my children will be 20 soon. He has rules when he lives here. Not the kind of rules I have for my 14 year old, but still there are rules. He has to tell us (not ask) when he plans to be gone overnight. He can have overnight visitors but he needs to let us know in advance. He cannot have underage people drink at our house. If he wants to have a drink with us, that's fine but we will not permit him to host underage drinkers in our home. His friends who are of age are welcome to have a drink just like any other guest in our home.
We pay for his college tuition and living expenses while he is at school. He has rules that he needs to follow in order to keep our financial support. Those rules are appropriate for a young man but he needs to fulfill his obligation to us (get good grades, progress towards a degree). We don't care if he goes out and parties a bit as long as he does what he is supposed to do. We are paying for him to go to school. The rest of his life is his business as long as he isn't wasting our money. Every semester we ask to see his grades.
Parents can still influence their adult children. I suggest that the OP do so to the extent that she can. It sounds like her daughter is going down a dangerous path. She may not be able to stop her but I think she will regret not trying.
I disagree. Not all kids hate and disrespect their parents just because you do. I would still value my parents' advice and opinions. And if a kid is still being supported by the parent, they can also follow some rules, but they are also free to move out. Just because your mother couldn't set guidelines or make it clear that it was her house, her rules doesn't mean all parents are wimpy and incapable and let mooching adult children set the rules.
I agree 100%. If my mother were still alive I would seek her counsel on a multitude of things and I am 48. I value my father's opinion and seek his advice when I need it.
I also agree that parents of adult children should be able to set rules. Just because one person's mother set rules that are unsuitable for an adult that doesn't mean that an adult who is living with their parents should have NO rules at all. Parents can set rules that are appropriate for adults without being control freaks.
When I was 18, I loved my parents and respected them up to a point, but if I wanted to get laid or puff on a marijuana cigarette, I was going to whether they liked it or not.
So will she.
How about a compromise solution. If she stays out late or all night, she has to tell you where she will be (you don't have to like it), tell the truth, and then be there. I'm not going to suggest all the possible rules she might accept, but that's a start...
I think the issue the OP has with her daughter's behavior is that the daughter is placing herself in dangerous situations. This is not a simple case of being out late, smoking a joint or having sex.
Another possibility is that the guy she was with has had things stolen by people he brought home before, especially if they are on drugs. So maybe he set the alarm so he would know if they were leaving (and stealing something).
Then you go and pick her up along with the things she stole from the guy - you could get in legal trouble for that of course (when he writes down your license number and calls the cops)!
Personally I would not believe a word she says. Make her take polygraph examination and a drug test if you want to know the truth (and she wants to continue living at home).
I agree 100%. If my mother were still alive I would seek her counsel on a multitude of things and I am 48. I value my father's opinion and seek his advice when I need it.
I also agree that parents of adult children should be able to set rules. Just because one person's mother set rules that are unsuitable for an adult that doesn't mean that an adult who is living with their parents should have NO rules at all. Parents can set rules that are appropriate for adults without being control freaks.
Yes, and it's not necessarily about setting rules for adult children -- but rules for your house and anyone who wants to live in it agrees to follow. The way my dad explained it, he needed to be up early to go to work and he couldn't sleep until the door was closed and locked for the night. Hearing doors open and closing at all hours of the night doesn't work for everybody.
It's true that as long as people are living under your roof, you might not sleep right until you know all are home and safe. My adult kids living with me still would worry if I didn't come home and they didn't know where I was or if I was okay -- the "rules" have a lot to do with common courtesy and consideration for other.
For the OP, it can be just about sitting down and having a discussion about the dangers out there, 18 year olds can be naive. Any parent who is worried has the right to open up discussion.
Wow, yeah...when you put yourself out there, living that kind of lifestyle, for your kid to see...well, pot, meet kettle!
Good luck. You screwed up in a huge, huge way. What's the golden rule of parenting? MODEL the behaviors you want your children to imitate. Good job, Mom. You taught her everything you knew...(then).
Ya pretty much got 2 choices, be a hypocrite, or explain to your daughter why (with a few details) you are desperate that she not turn out like you.
How awful for you both. Being a good parent and raising "good" children is tough, with all of the outside influences they have to deal with. When the worst influence they have...is the parent at home, who caused ALL of the shame they're carrying around in their heart, well...the kid is probably going to despise you for causing their suffering.
You don't do sh*t that brings shame to your kids. Kids need real parents, sober, responsible, DECENT parents, otherwise, it's like the blind leading the blind. You obliterated the parent/child line, years ago, with your behavior. There's really nothing you can do, without simply kicking her out and severing ties. Let's face it....she's 18 now and probably thinking, "NOW!...after I'm GROWN, you give a sh*t what I'm doing? You really expect me to believe you CARE about me? *********! NO, you just care about how my behavior might reflect back on YOU! Oh, you're WORRIED about me?"
Guess what, OP....you should really read that last few sentences. How does it feel? Hell, you did the same damn thing to HER for most of her 18 years on this earth. How many times did you put her through what you're going through right now!? Think about it. YOU...can't help her. People using YOU as an example of why she should change her behavior?.....that might help a little. You terminated your parental rights a long time ago, when you chose your friends and "substances" over your child.
Frustration with 18 year olds...been there, done that. When mine were on the "train to nowhere good" I sat them down, and had a "Come to Jesus" meeting about how they were screwing up their lives, and it made me sad that there was nothing I could do about it. But, I had no desire to watch the train wreck, so please move out by the end of the month, here is $1000 to find a place. Come back home when you want to grow up....
And this happened with two of my kids...and they both came home within a year, pretty much like a dog with its tail between it's legs. Grateful to have a home, and loving family. Reality slammed them both pretty hard. But, now, both are doing great. My son decided to go into the military, my daughter has become a model student, hard working, serious about her life.
Tough love...no harsh words...no fighting, or saying things that could not be brought back...just let them grow up, live their own lives, and come home when it all crashes.
It will seem hypocritical -- but there's also a difference between a 40 year old woman "sowing her oats" and an 18 year old child-adult running around all night, not knowing where she is and who she is with.
The OP admitted her errors -- but she still has a daughter to finish raising and try to get on the right path. With any 18 year old, all you can really do is tell them the rules for your home and have honest discussions with them, you can still warn them of all the risks there are in certain behavior. "Adults" of 18 are still not too old enough to learn.
The conversation has to be age-appropriate. You have to acknowledge that legally they can move out, make their own home with their own rules, legally you are no longer obligated to provide them anything. However if they want to accept your financial support, they must also accept some advice, guidelines for how you want your household to run and even rules. Yes, you can put strings attached to the financial support you still give them.
I do it all the time. If I come home and find an over-18 year old laying on my couch who isn't working but eating my food, using electricity I will pay for, I have every right to lay down some laws. I started showing my kids where the door was when they early teens -- I always reminded them that at age 18, I was no longer obligated by any law to buy them food or pay their car insurance or be their emergency bank account - but they're perfectly welcome to stay on, I'll help them in many ways but they have to do their part also. No free money, food, house to potheads or partiers or others who want to lay around never doing anything.
Oh no, not marijuana and sex?! Her life must be over...
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