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OK ummm I should have put in my original post that I in NO WAY think my parenting choice is superior to anyone else's. For all I know my kids will turn out damaged and horribly behaving adults. You never know. However, at least I do not inflict my "babied" daughter and all her toys on my brother. We always stay in a hotel. My brother insists on staying with us, and to avoid conflict I go along.
The way I look at this is, would you want someone who has an attitude, is arrogant, is rude, is self-entitled, and is a know-it-all in your house? Would you invite someone like that to your house? I myself would not. But that is exactly what we have when those 2 kids come over, through no choice of our own.
So all I am asking is, what is the appropriate response from my husband to this behavior? My response has been to ignore them, although to be frank they are getting worse and worse (my patience is less and less), and also I do not want my daughter asking me to watch R-rated movies and talking back and having an attitude with me....
Do not provide a motel to your relatives. When they come, they visit, and leave. When they come for more than a day, they stay in a hotel. Period. Or they don't come over. Stop being a doormat. What does it mean when you say your brother "insists" on flopping in your home? That's absurd.
1. Is my husband being unreasonable with his intolerance of my brother's kids?
2. Is there a compromise solution to this problem?
3. I feel bad about this b/c I love my brother and I want to spend time with him but the way he is raising his kids is something I don't agree with and quite frankly I don't want my kids exposed to. What is appropriate here?
4. Is it appropriate for me to correct the rude and arrogant behavior of these kids when they come stay with us?
1. Yes. Either don't allow the kids to stay over, or treat them civilly and kindly while they are there. That kind of behavior is just as rude as what the children are doing, and they are children, your husband is not.
2-4. It is absolutely reasonable for you to set normal behavioral expectations for child visitors to your own home. It is not your job to discipline these children, but redirecting their actions ("In this house we knock before entering..." "In this house we don't use hurtful words like 'disgusting,' so please say that a different way...") is both developmentally and socially appropriate, bearing in mind that to teach politeness and gentleness, one must demonstrate it oneself.
If you had titled this thread "rude children" I'd have more sympathy for your complaint, but the mere fact of kids knowing about current events, tech and pop culture, and of having strong opinions, is not a negative. I think it's great when kids can carry on a reasonable conversation with adults, and when they are confident enough to express their own views. If they are rude about it of course that needs correcting.
1. Yes. Either don't allow the kids to stay over, or treat them civilly and kindly while they are there. That kind of behavior is just as rude as what the children are doing, and they are children, your husband is not.
2-4. It is absolutely reasonable for you to set normal behavioral expectations for child visitors to your own home. It is not your job to discipline these children, but redirecting their actions ("In this house we knock before entering..." "In this house we don't use hurtful words like 'disgusting,' so please say that a different way...") is both developmentally and socially appropriate, bearing in mind that to teach politeness and gentleness, one must demonstrate it oneself.
If you had titled this thread "rude children" I'd have more sympathy for your complaint, but the mere fact of kids knowing about current events, tech and pop culture, and of having strong opinions, is not a negative. I think it's great when kids can carry on a reasonable conversation with adults, and when they are confident enough to express their own views. If they are rude about it of course that needs correcting.
I agree with this. The OP comes across as having a bigger problem with her brother's kids' knowledge of pop culture and being computer savvy than she does with their rude and undisciplined behavior. I wouldn't care about my child, no matter how sheltered, being around kids who watch TV and play on computers, but I would in a heartbeart correct ANY child that burst into my bedroom without knocking or sat at MY dinner table eating MY food and made some rude remark about food that I made.
OP, you're free to raise your child in the way you choose, and so is your brother. However, you do NOT have to accept rude behavior in your own home, or accept unwanted overnight guests. The problem is not the kids, it's your inability to speak up and lay down the law in your own house. If I were you, I would stop criticizing your brother's parenting methods and his kids and start looking for my own backbone.
I agree with this. The OP comes across as having a bigger problem with her brother's kids' knowledge of pop culture and being computer savvy than she does with their rude and undisciplined behavior. I wouldn't care about my child, no matter how sheltered, being around kids who watch TV and play on computers, but I would in a heartbeart correct ANY child that burst into my bedroom without knocking or sat at MY dinner table eating MY food and made some rude remark about food that I made.
OP, you're free to raise your child in the way you choose, and so is your brother. However, you do NOT have to accept rude behavior in your own home, or accept unwanted overnight guests. The problem is not the kids, it's your inability to speak up and lay down the law in your own house. If I were you, I would stop criticizing your brother's parenting methods and his kids and start looking for my own backbone.
This. I think the crux of the issue is being largely missed. These kids are not more verbally advanced or adult. They are RUDE.
It's your house, you don't have to let them stay there. The first time you say no is a challenge, but it gets easier every single time after that.
Second, if they do stay with you, you just lay down the law from the beginning. Tell the kids, "These are the rules in my house. No name calling, you knock on the bedroom door and wait until I tell you to come in, if you don't like my food, don't eat it but don't tell me it's disgusting, etc." and whatever else you want to add. Tell the kids in front of their parents.
My kids are 8 and 11 and both have tablets and use the computer every day (they go to school on it). They watch the news and can discuss current events and pop culture and the latest apps. My 11 year old has an attitude sometimes. But when we go out in public or to someone's house, they remember their manners. It is possible to raise kids who are familiar with the technology they will need in life and still teach them to be polite.
Agree with this.
I have so many friends and relatives with rude children. Most of the parents want to be "friends" witb the kid. Not a parent.
I actually lost a friend because I coached his son and the son didn't like to be coached and I wouldn't treat him differently than the others and it upset his parents. It got ugly. Long story.
I do think the OP is making some big mistakes with how he is raising her own. Different than her brother but may end up with big if not bigger issues.
I can't imagine being weak enough to allow my child to sleep in our bed at that age. I have relatives that have done that and it caused real problems down the road
OK ummm I should have put in my original post that I in NO WAY think my parenting choice is superior to anyone else's. For all I know my kids will turn out damaged and horribly behaving adults. You never know. However, at least I do not inflict my "babied" daughter and all her toys on my brother. We always stay in a hotel. My brother insists on staying with us, and to avoid conflict I go along.
The way I look at this is, would you want someone who has an attitude, is arrogant, is rude, is self-entitled, and is a know-it-all in your house? Would you invite someone like that to your house? I myself would not. But that is exactly what we have when those 2 kids come over, through no choice of our own.
So all I am asking is, what is the appropriate response from my husband to this behavior? My response has been to ignore them, although to be frank they are getting worse and worse (my patience is less and less), and also I do not want my daughter asking me to watch R-rated movies and talking back and having an attitude with me....
I'm confused I guess; cause I still don't see where the rudness of these children is.
Being knowledgable is NEVER a bad thing, and as for them saying your cooking is disgusting, maybe it is! As for the barging into your room while they are there; it's honestly rude of YOU to ignore guests.
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626
Although, I agree that the OP may be a little less tolerant of normal childish behavior IMHO it is never acceptable for a 7 or 10 year old child to openly call the food made by their aunt "disgusting" or to barge into the aunt's bedroom and criticize the television show that the aunt is watching in private. Those are not acceptable behaviors by any child.
I disagree. If the food IS bad, I would certainly hope someone would say something.
Quote:
Originally Posted by laorbust61
Answer Key:
1. No. It sounds as if those parents need to be shaken awake. By the time those children are 12 they will be out of control and bringing problems to their parents doorstep. They sound like their egos are raging out of control, right now. It is NOT cool!
2. The compromising parents are probably what got these kids thinking they have the run of any place they land in.
3. Have a heart to heart with your brother and risk hurting his feelings. It's for his own good, you're helping him out, really. And let him know ahead of time how you feel about your kids being exposed to brattiness and the sad results of permissive parenting.
4. Yes, it is appropriate to correct this behavior in your home; next thing you know they will be trying to run over you and your kids.
I'm sorry but these kids sound like they need to be in military school.
Again, I disagree. I have three teenage daughters aged almost 20 down to 14; and they are as varied as the day is long. From total preppy princess, to tomboy jock/JRotc, to rock star punkster. They are all honor roll; involved in various activities in school and the community, and they are opinionated and vocal; but what you would consider rude, we consider that normal and knowledgable.
None of mine have been (at time of this post anyway, lol!) been arrested, in rehab, in fights (except for the youngest and she fought back a bully), doing drugs, alcoholics, sexually promiscuious, or anything else that is considered "wrong" in today's society.
They do voluenteer work in the community, help the neighbors out, do their own chores, oldest 2 have jobs, (the youngest does occasional babysitting as well), and have no problems interacting with society in general.
Due to their different "styles" we have a variety of different groups of kids over all the time, and while they don't always get along, they do at our house; cause I don't allow otherwise. I tell them ALL the first time they come over, "You may not like everyone you see at this house, you might actually be in a fight with some of them; but not here. This house and property is Switzerland, and we are neutral ground. If you are unwilling, or unable to agree with this, then you are welcome to call or text, but you are not invited here."
So far, only one person has declined and left, and ended up being a not so good person anyway.
I say all that, cause we have raised our kids more of the way the OP's brother has, than the way she raises her kids. Just because it's different, doesn't make it wrong.
The OP's parenting style has nothing to do with anything. This is also not about television, computers, pop culture, etcetera. This is about the generation of kids we are raising. We are crippling our kids by not correcting these behaviors. I am astonished at all the justifying and defending in this thread of kids being rude in someone else's home. Sadly it's just another example of the "everyone gets a trophy" or the "i'm not your parent, i'm your friend" mentality.
It is in no way acceptable for a 17 year old to behave this way in someone else's home, much less a 7 or 10 year old. Allowing your kids to behave this way in public and not correcting it has consequences: kids eventually observe that Mom and Dad are the only ones who think they’re awesome. Kids begin to doubt the objectivity of their parents. When parents rave too easily and disregard poor behavior, children eventually learn to cheat, exaggerate and lie and to avoid difficult reality. They have not been conditioned to face it.
Rules for my kids when they visit other people's houses:
1. Do not touch anything unless you ask permission first. In fact, when in doubt, ask permission for anything and everything.
2. Speak quietly. If adults are talking you never interrupt them. You don't join adult convos unless specifically invited to do so. You don't voice strong opinions about adult TV shows unless an adult specifically asks you to do so! (not that my kids would ever watch Breaking Bad, but I digress). There is a right way and a wrong way for kids to voice strong opinions. Voicing strong opinions in public or when visiting someone's home is more than not a bad idea.
3. No running or yelling. No slamming doors, toilet seat, etc. No jumping on furniture or throwing anything.
4. You must say please and thank you and excuse me and may I.
I teach my kids that being allowed to stay in someone's home is a special gift not to be taken for granted. Clearly OPs brother takes advantage and then allows his children to behave like brats. That is perfectly is OK in his house, but not in someone else's.
The OP's parenting style has nothing to do with anything. This is also not about television, computers, pop culture, etcetera. This is about the generation of kids we are raising. We are crippling our kids by not correcting these behaviors. I am astonished at all the justifying and defending in this thread of kids being rude in someone else's home. Sadly it's just another example of the "everyone gets a trophy" or the "i'm not your parent, i'm your friend" mentality.
It is in no way acceptable for a 17 year old to behave this way in someone else's home, much less a 7 or 10 year old. Allowing your kids to behave this way in public and not correcting it has consequences: kids eventually observe that Mom and Dad are the only ones who think they’re awesome. Kids begin to doubt the objectivity of their parents. When parents rave too easily and disregard poor behavior, children eventually learn to cheat, exaggerate and lie and to avoid difficult reality. They have not been conditioned to face it.
Rules for my kids when they visit other people's houses:
1. Do not touch anything unless you ask permission first. In fact, when in doubt, ask permission for anything and everything.
2. Speak quietly. If adults are talking you never interrupt them. You don't join adult convos unless specifically invited to do so. You don't voice strong opinions about adult TV shows unless an adult specifically asks you to do so! (not that my kids would ever watch Breaking Bad, but I digress). There is a right way and a wrong way for kids to voice strong opinions. Voicing strong opinions in public or when visiting someone's home is more than not a bad idea.
3. No running or yelling. No slamming doors, toilet seat, etc. No jumping on furniture or throwing anything.
4. You must say please and thank you and excuse me and may I.
I teach my kids that being allowed to stay in someone's home is a special gift not to be taken for granted. Clearly OPs brother takes advantage and then allows his children to behave like brats. That is perfectly is OK in his house, but not in someone else's.
I'm confused I guess; cause I still don't see where the rudness of these children is.
Being knowledgable is NEVER a bad thing, and as for them saying your cooking is disgusting, maybe it is!
...
I disagree. If the food IS bad, I would certainly hope someone would say something.
I'm only going to direct my comments to the guest telling the hostess that the food made by her is "disgusting". IMHO, it is never appropriate to do that. It doesn't matter if you are 7, 17, or 47.
Why does a comment even need to made at all? If you don't like onions or you don't like hummus or what ever you can politely state that so that the hostess/cook knows for her future reference. If the food is too salty, you can politely mention that you prefer to season your own food.
If the food really is disgusting (perhaps has a dead fly, dog hair or whatever) just eat the bread or vegetables and next time you offer to make the entire meal or take everyone out to dinner if you think that it will happen again.
I strongly disagree that it is OK for a 7 year old to think that it is acceptable to tell the cook that her food is "disgusting". Frankly, I have observed children like that. I have heard 7 year olds telling a peer that her new haircut "looks dumb" and tell a classmates that her clothes are "old" and "did they get them out of a dumpster?". I have heard self-centered arrogant 1st graders actually tell their teacher that they are doing a "crappy job of teaching math". Last year, in the first hour of the first day of school I heard a first grader refuse to participate in a "getting to know you game" lead by the teacher by saying "that is a stupid game and I'm not going to do it" and then sit on the sidelines and actually laugh at the teacher & her classmates. It is interesting that the same girl frequently wonders out loud why people won't play with her a recess. Sheesh.
I do not know if the OP's nephew says things like that as we only heard about the food being "disgusting" but wouldn't be surprised if he did say things like that.
Last edited by germaine2626; 01-28-2014 at 11:06 AM..
I'm only going to direct my comments to the guest telling the hostess that the food made by her is "disgusting". IMHO, it is never appropriate to do that. It doesn't matter if you are 7, 17, or 47.
Or you could be like my 80 year old step mother who sends you cookbooks for healthy eating after the visit. Apparently she didn't approve of what I was cooking. They are excellent books but wow was I offended, especially with the note from my father.
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Apparently she didn't approve of what I was cooking. They are excellent books but wow was I offended, especially with the note from my father.