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My family lives 6 hours away from my family and 12 hours from my husband's family. We are usually expected to be the ones to use vacation time and travel to see family during the holidays - and we finally put our foot down and said no. Especially after my parents retired and had a better ability to travel than we did. My sister's family only lives an hour away from my parents.
Four years ago we traveled to my family for Christmas, as we had for a few years before that. Then three years ago we did not travel and stayed home for both big winter holidays - it was awesome not to be on the road and "waste" vacation time on travel days. Last year my family came to us for Thanksgiving. This year we are being asked to go to my parents' for Christmas - we're debating about it, but am leaning towards not since Christmas is on a Thursday this year. Perhaps next year, when it's on a weekend.
My family has come to realize that the days of having everyone together for the holidays is just not feasible, and they are okay with it. At first they kicked up a fuss. But in the past few years, with my grandmother passing away, and my aunt/uncle moving to the west coast - they've come to the realization that the days of huge family get-togethers EVERY YEAR are a thing of the past.
Let your kids do what they want - if they want to travel to see family, they can. If not, it's their own decision.
I don't blame them for making a fuss. Honestly, it really surprises me how many people are acting like spending the holiday with your family is some Herculean task. I don't get along with all of my family, but I've never thought "I don't like Uncle Tom. I'll just stop having holidays with my family". I have to really wonder if the people here claiming it's just too hard to gather people for the holidays (especially the one who claimed to be hard when you all live in the same state ) are just in denial about the real issues. It's easier to say "They're just busy" than "we don't like being around each other". I understand a missed holiday every so often, but when getting together is the rarity there's problems. I've also noticed with friends and coworkers, it's usually how a family breaks down or people leave a family. One year, it's one holiday. Then, next year all the holidays. Until it ends up with them changing numbers and/or moving without telling family.
I don't blame them for making a fuss. Honestly, it really surprises me how many people are acting like spending the holiday with your family is some Herculean task. I don't get along with all of my family, but I've never thought "I don't like Uncle Tom. I'll just stop having holidays with my family". I have to really wonder if the people here claiming it's just too hard to gather people for the holidays (especially the one who claimed to be hard when you all live in the same state ) are just in denial about the real issues.
It becomes very difficult when people get married or have significant others because that can mean having to see two families in one day. That was the issue for me. I could never get my family or my husband's family to do holidays on different days.
It wasn't because people were inflexible. My siblings and my husband's siblings had spouses too with family that needed to be scheduled for other days. I couldn't get my side of the family to do Christmas eve because my one sister's family got together with her husband's family that day. The same with my husband's family because my SIL got together with her family on Christmas eve.
I simply was the one who had two families who were only available on one day and they lived far away from each other, meaning we spent the day in the car to eat two meals on the same day. At least they'd accommodate the time of meal by one family having it early in the afternoon and the other family having it in the evening. I'll bet some people don't even get that accommodation when there's a conflict.
There's no denial. When I don't even like the people, it's easy to decide it's just not worth the hassle. If it were logistically easier, I'd go out of politeness. There were a few years my husband and I went to each of our family gatherings separately, but that wasn't fair to us to not be able to spend the holidays with our spouses or for our children to spend the holidays with both of their parents.
Plus, there's no damn good reason we can't get together with our extended families on non-holidays. It took 20 years, but my family finally gave up holidays, and we have a summer picnic instead. Now I only have to deal with my dreaded in-laws, but it's easier since it's not an entire day in the car and I get to spend some of the day home with my husband and children.
I don't blame them for making a fuss. Honestly, it really surprises me how many people are acting like spending the holiday with your family is some Herculean task. I don't get along with all of my family, but I've never thought "I don't like Uncle Tom. I'll just stop having holidays with my family". I have to really wonder if the people here claiming it's just too hard to gather people for the holidays (especially the one who claimed to be hard when you all live in the same state ) are just in denial about the real issues. It's easier to say "They're just busy" than "we don't like being around each other". I understand a missed holiday every so often, but when getting together is the rarity there's problems. I've also noticed with friends and coworkers, it's usually how a family breaks down or people leave a family. One year, it's one holiday. Then, next year all the holidays. Until it ends up with them changing numbers and/or moving without telling family.
For some people it is quite a time consuming and expensive task. Flying at the busiest and most expensive time of the year, taking precious time off work, traveling with small kids, dealing with weather delayed flights... Even in the same state (especially big ones), a family could spend all day on the road easily.
So yes it is about me. I must try harder to let go and not nag and constantly apologise because its not going to be what I consider the ideal Christmas.
I'm glad you've come to terms with what your plans will be. Honestly, it's hard at first. The way I see it, I had 18-20 years with my kids growing up and having my idea of a perfect Christmas. Now it's up to what others want and that's fine with me.
We started alternating holidays between family members. It's worked out so far.
For eight years we jumped through hoops to give equal time to every part of our family, even though everyone is five hours apart.
We would drive five hours to one home and spend Christmas, and then drive five hours to the next one, before driving about five hours home.
One year my in laws insisted we stay and miss the other celebration with my family. They kept saying that it didn't matter if we missed the holidays with my family as it was just one holiday.
That was a huge wake up call...we didn't have to spend every holiday together.
It back fired on them a bit, because we see them the least amount of time now.
Oh, gosh -- growing up, my poor parents were major-league guilted into spending Christmas "at home" -- not OUR home, mind you, but at my grandparents' home. It was an 8 hour drive, and the grandparents lived about 45 minutes apart, and each day had to be spent carefully apportioned so that an equal amount of time was spent in each house, to avoid accusations of favoritism. My parents lugged Santa's gifts every year for YEARS to the grandparents -- I was oblivious. :-) I loved visiting my grandparents, but my mother ended up hating the trek. Only one year was she able to spend Christmas in her own home -- the year she was pregnant and the doctor forbade her to travel. (And even then, my dad's parents moaned and groaned about missing us so much for Christmas that my dad did a two-day turn-around trip just before Christmas to partially satisfy them). Finally, when my grandparents died, my mother declared ENOUGH, ALREADY, and dug in -- no way she was EVER traveling for Christmas again. When I married, she told me, in all earnestness, never to get caught like she did and to form our own family holiday traditions. Until we had kids, we were happy to travel to visit parents -- one set for Thanksgiving, one for Christmas, and then alternate the next year. But once we had kids, we had Christmas at home.
I guess what I'm saying is that traditions change, and we have to change with them. I don't know what choices they will make with their new families that they may have in the next few years -- I just want them to be happy and want them to be a part of family celebrations out of love and joy, not out of obligation and resentment.
You need to put the idea of a perfect Christmas out of your mind. It is a natural progression for adult children to start making their own traditions and it is increasingly difficult to get everyone together. Don't forget they all have in-laws to think about too.
You are so right! It simply becomes an impossibility for everyone to be together every Christmas or Thanksgiving.
My family is a military and oilfield family, used to long separations and many missed holidays. We learned a long time ago that flexibility won't kill us! We decided that OUR family would celebrate Thanksgiving the Saturday after Thanksgiving, and Christmas - well, whenever we could manage to get together - some of us or all of us, whatever. So...sometimes we have several Christmas dinners or get togethers!
It's been a long time since everyone was all together, but we try to get as many together as possible every year.
And we don't have any conflict with inlaws because we always "give" them the actual holiday - which for some reason for some people seems critically important. "IT IS THE FOURTH THURSDAY OF EVERY NOVEMBER. PERIOD." "CHRISTMAS IS DECEMBER 25 - PERIOD."
OK. I guess it is in your world. In our world it can vary from year to year - LOL!
You are so right! It simply becomes an impossibility for everyone to be together every Christmas or Thanksgiving.
My family is a military and oilfield family, used to long separations and many missed holidays. We learned a long time ago that flexibility won't kill us! We decided that OUR family would celebrate Thanksgiving the Saturday after Thanksgiving, and Christmas - well, whenever we could manage to get together - some of us or all of us, whatever. So...sometimes we have several Christmas dinners or get togethers!
It's been a long time since everyone was all together, but we try to get as many together as possible every year.
And we don't have any conflict with inlaws because we always "give" them the actual holiday - which for some reason for some people seems critically important. "IT IS THE FOURTH THURSDAY OF EVERY NOVEMBER. PERIOD." "CHRISTMAS IS DECEMBER 25 - PERIOD."
OK. I guess it is in your world. In our world it can vary from year to year - LOL!
The dates of Thanksgiving and Christmas vary from year to year in my world, too.
When our children were little we would even send a letter to Santa telling him which date he should visit our house and drop off his gifts. Santa always accommodated our schedule and not vice versa. We sometimes flew to Florida on Christmas Day to specifically avoid spending the actual holiday with the in-laws/grandparents because they would be so "crazy" about making the holiday "perfect".
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626
Every family is different. After the first sibling married and moved away from home (in 1968) we probably had only two or three Christmases all together at our parent's house until our mother died 24 years later.
In my family once you were married you started your own family traditions with your own immediate family (spouse & later spouse & children).
Even before our children were married, one year our daughter went to France over Christmas to visit her boyfriend while my husband & son and I visited relatives in another state.
To us there is nothing "magic" about everyone being together on December 24/25. And now that our son (an atheist) married another atheist (born Jewish) those dates are even less "magic".
Do what works best for your family. Do not insist that everyone get together if they would rather spend time with their own family or with their in-laws or with friends or alone.
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) are just in denial about the real issues. It's easier to say "They're just busy" than "we don't like being around each other". I understand a missed holiday every so often, but when getting together is the rarity there's problems. I've also noticed with friends and coworkers, it's usually how a family breaks down or people leave a family. One year, it's one holiday. Then, next year all the holidays. Until it ends up with them changing numbers and/or moving without telling family.
In our world it can vary from year to year - LOL!
